pseudo quasiesque

Live. Die. Repeat.

BY BOB WOODIWISS

I believe each of us has a soul. I also believe some souls are older than others. Old souls can have a taste for Shirley MacLaine movies, call Strom Thurmond, "Kiddo" and pray to Zeus. Newer souls tend to enter law enforcement.

Myself, I have vivid memories of past lives. Coaxed from my subconscious by channeler/past life regressor, Empress Khan Ghaem of suburban Decatur, Ill. Through our sessions, she's not only helped me reach my previous selves, she's shown me how to use them to get group-rate health insurance. Working backwards, here's who I was (am?):

Claude Haupere, 1922-1950. Born and raised in France near the Spanish frontier, I imported bullfighting across the border to my native land. This venture failed when French matadors kept surrendering to the bulls. In my late 20s, I contracted Lou Gehrig's disease but, due to Europe's ignorance of baseball, I went undiagnosed and succumbed at an early age.

Horatio Wormwood, 1805-1867. As a British seaman, I sailed the six seas (the seventh was closed for repair) in service to the queen. During the Opium War with China, to prevent our cargo from being captured by the enemy, I smoked the ship's entire hold. At my court martial, the captain argued we hadn't yet left port and were nowhere near China at the time. I was sentenced to a 12-step flogging program.

Frau Martin Luther, 1496-1587. In my only female incarnation, I was married to the leader of the Reformation, who, considering the hovel we lived in, might better have spent his time presiding over the Remodeling. Late in life, I gave Martin a son but he insisted I take the boy back to the family I'd stolen him from.

Chi Kun Wing, 623-645. Apprenticing to the T'ang dynasty's great scientists, I witnessed the invention of printing, the abacus, the magnetic compass and Shake 'n Bake Szechwan-style. At the end of my career, I was honored to be a Bullet Catcher in the first gunpowder experiments.

Texus Mexus, 21 B.C.-27 A.D. There was no worse time to be master stonecutter of Rome than during my tenure. This was because of the (unanticipated) Y0K or Year Zero bug caused by the crucifixion of Jesus; the switchover to A.D. meant re-carving "B.C." dates on every existing cornerstone, headstone and monument in the Empire.

Laetentriphies, 445-396 B.C. Ancient Greece, with the philosophy and the critical thinking and the dialogues. I couldn't buy a pair of sandals without an argument over the nature of matter. People were constantly shouting new mathematical theorems from the street corners. I had a headache for six years that Hippocrates was helpless against. I immigrated to Babylonia and took up fashion design.

Shecky, 1069-1012 B.C. As "emcee" to King Saul's court, I killed with material like, "Moses wanders the desert for 40 years and the whole time he's telling his wife, 'I don't have to pull into an oasis and ask directions, I know Israel's around here somewhere.' " ©

CityBeat, Vol. 4, Issue 49; October 29-November 4, 1998