WEDNESDAY AUG. 6
A couple of
anti-violence groups found out last week that one of their higher-ups
doesn't even care about stopping gun violence and sells their anti-gun
plans to the National Rifle Association. According to the liberal
investigative magazine Mother Jones, 62-year-old Mary Lou
McFate -- an unpaid board member of anti-violence organization
CeaseFirePA -- was selling the NRA insider information like what high
schools they were going to give free lectures to and which Senators
were closeted left-wing pussies. Anti-violence activists were
reportedly shocked by the news and said it's just another example of
the NRA leaders thinking that life is really like action movies.
THURSDAY AUG. 7
Sheriff Richard K. Jones welcomed Sen. John McCain to Hamilton today with an ad in The Enquirer that read: "Senator McCain: Why haven't we heard from you on
immigration??? Are you avoiding this American issue???" Jones, who is
pissed off that McCain and a bunch of Democrats were going to give
amnesty to all the illegals who have moved here and begun new lives for
themselves in America, said the ad was meant to draw attention to the
issue of immigration and not necessarily to hurt McCain's standing
among the largely Republican Butler County community, although he
admitted that using six question marks was supposed to demonstrate the
seriousness and relevance of his inquiry.
FRIDAY AUG. 8
Former vice presidential candidate and current Democratic endorser John
Edwards admitted today to cheating on his wife with a campaign staffer
back when he was campaigning for the Democratic presidential
nomination. At the time, Edwards called the rumor of his infidelity
"tabloid trash," but it turns out that The National Enquirer was
right on that one, as Edwards admitted that he already told his wife
about the affair and they have dealt with the matter personally.
The
incident is part of a number of recently publicized extramarital
affairs and affinities for prostitution by public officials, who no
longer benefit from the privatized world of cheating that their
forefathers in government enjoyed.
SATURDAY AUG. 9
With most of the world's leaders busy watching sports in China,
Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili thought his small Eastern
European country had the head start it needed to take over South
Ossetia and then defend it from Russia.
Saakashvili was wrong, though, as Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a break from watching a fencing contest, ordered Georgia to be beaten down and made it back to his seat in time to catch volleyball. President Bush reacted emotionally when he heard the news of Russia's fierce counterattack on Georgia, saying, "Goddammit... Shit... Dangit... How many are dead? Is Tennessee OK? I guess we can forget about Florida. Tell Alabama to help out Georgia. Fuck, man, can I still watch the basketball game tonight?"
SUNDAY AUG. 10
Enthusiasts of paying women to get naked and swing their boobs around
were disappointed to find out today that a federal judge refused to
deny last year's law that restricts dancers' stripping style and hours
of operation. The AP reported that U.S. District Judge Solomon Oliver
Jr. said the law, which prohibits the naked dancers from touching
customers and forces strip clubs and porn shops to close at midnight,
is "a reasonable regulation on the time, place and manner in which
plaintiffs may exercise their First Amendment rights." Representatives
of the dancers, who claim to not be hos just because they dance the
go-go, say they're not even into touching patrons but that it's
important to get close enough to a lonely man's ear to tell him that
they like him for real so he keeps coming back.
MONDAY AUG. 11
Local strippers aren't the only people having their touching privileges
revoked these days, as the Catholic Archdiocese last week unveiled its
new guidelines for appropriate touching of children. The Enquirer
reported today that the Archdiocese's new "Decree on Child Protection"
(known as "Why Bible Camp Totally Sucks Now" among the higher-ups)
includes a lengthy and quite specific list of what physical affection
is appropriate (handshakes, pats on the back, high-fives and side hugs)
and what sort of isn't (bear hugs, lengthy embraces, lap-sitting,
tickling and piggy-back rides). Church officials say the lists should
eliminate even the most borderline of situations and that it wasn't at
all awkward to debate whether it's OK to give children piggy back
rides.
TUESDAY AUG. 12
The latest statistics out of the Hamilton County Justice Center suggest
that maybe we don't even really need a new jail. According to The Enquirer,
the number of inmates being released early is actually down 83 percent
and the number of people going free right after booking due to space
constraints is down 22 percent. Chris Finney, who led a group against
the jail tax last year, used a pudding metaphor to demonstrate how the
statistics prove he was right. "The proof is in the pudding," Finney
said, meaning if empty jail beds were a sweet, creamy dessert and
Commissioners Todd Portune and David Pepper ate them they would find
them delicious and they'd have to stop imposing taxes without voter
consent.
