WEDNESDAY AUG. 20
With gay
marriage now legalized in certain liberal, left-wing, radical,
God-hating states in America, many companies are taking advantage of
the expensive formality that is an American wedding. The Kansas City Star
reported today that Hallmark is the latest company to market to the gay
wedding industry, introducing four gay congratulation cards to its line
of more than 200 mass-produced symbols of affection. Hallmark says it
has always offered really vague cards so people could congratulate gay
lovers without having to rewrite the word husband or scratch off the
photo of the bride but that the direct acknowledgment of homosexuality
has pleased gay wedding attendees and a surprising number of dumb white
guys who buy the gay cards as jokes.
THURSDAY AUG. 21
The AP reported today that Republican presidential candidate John
McCain is either too rich or too stupid to know how much stuff he and
his wife own. When asked by a political Web site called Politico.com
how many homes in the world have welcome mats in front of them that say
"The McCains," the 72-year-old stuttered and acted weird, as if he
seriously didn't know: "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you. It's
condominiums where -- I'll have them get to you." The Obama campaign
quickly responded, releasing a TV ad later in the day that showed
McCain and his wife playing Monopoly drunk while wearing formalwear and
spitting champagne on each other.
FRIDAY AUG. 22
A Kentucky man's recent visit to the Cincinnati Zoo included an
interactive experience that he didn't expect or appreciate. According
to The Enquirer, 41-year-old Noel Green got out of his car in
the zoo parking lot and saw a 3-foot-tall black monkey standing a few
feet away, so he decided to tell on the animal for breaking out.
Euell has lost his outdoor privileges forever, according to the zoo, which had allowed the monkey to swing around in real trees during his 14-year imprisonment.
SATURDAY AUG. 23
The fallout from Barack Obama's choice of Joe Biden as his vice
presidential nominee has gone beyond just the Hillary Clinton
supporters who hate him and the Republicans who hate everyone. A dork
Web site called betanews.com
reported today that many Obama supporters are sad that they didn't
receive the VP text message until after the news was already reported.
One commenter at myheromymanbarackobama.com
wrote a lengthy story about spending all day with her cell phone
flipped open only to hear the news from her boyfriend, who saw it on TV
and ruined the surprised by texting her: "It's Hillary! J/k just some
old white dude :)"
SUNDAY AUG. 24
A group of well-educated and respected Americans have banded together
to stop one of the tyrannies of the 20th century: the 21-year-old
drinking age. Presidents of more than 100 colleges (even good ones,
too, like Dartmouth!) have formed a movement to encourage a healthy
discussion of whether punishing 20-year-olds for being drunk is really
fair or actually kind of uncool. The concept of allowing free will to
such an unpredictable age group prompted a disappointed and angry
response from college administrators who oppose an age-limit reduction,
one of whom said some of her school's sophomores are the dumbest kids
in the world and if they got three beers in them they'd probably drive
downtown looking for whores and people to fight.
MONDAY AUG. 25
Today is not a good day for people who work in smoke shops, like the
band Phish or spent high school covering up marijuana smoke in their
bedrooms by burning incense. A new scientific study by a university in
Denmark says that certain carcinogenic substances result from burning
anything and the stuff that results from burning incense can cause
cancerous problems and should be avoided. The study suggests that
anyone who regularly burns incense -- hippies, Deadheads and people who
listen to white rappers, specifically -- should consider other ways to
mask the smells they're hiding but stopped short of endorsing Febreze
air freshener due to the temptation for certain types of people to huff
it.
TUESDAY AUG. 26
The
pro-casino organization leading the movement for Ohio to approve a
giant gaming resort has finally found a way to convince public
officials to support its development: offering cash money. The Enquirer today reported that MyOhioNow.com
has detailed how the $240 million in projected annual revenue will be
split among Ohio counties, and Hamilton County administrators are
already thinking about how sweet it would be to have an extra $15.7
million a year to invest in public safety and economic development.
County Commissioner Pat DeWine has argued against the plan, citing
social costs and moral high ground, but Todd Portune said DeWine is
only against it because he went to Las Vegas once and Wayne Newton
called him a bulimic Woody Harrelson in front of a bunch of people.
Contact Danny Cross: dcross@citybeat.com
