WEDNESDAY AUG. 13
Bad news for
white people: A new study by the government says that whites will no
longer make up a majority of Americans by 2042. And by 2050 the whites
will be down to 46 percent, with Hispanics increasing from 15 to 30
percent and African Americans staying about the same during this time
(15 percent). Researchers have attributed the slowed Caucasian growth
rate to young white people realizing their privileges and freedoms and
deciding not to fuck them up by having children. The result is an aging
population of Baby Boomers hoping to die before the minorities take
control of America and seek revenge for all the bad stuff they did in
the 1950s.
THURSDAY AUG. 14
A liberal singer/songwriter has sued the John McCain campaign and the
Ohio and national Republican committees for using his song to make fun
of Barack Obama in a TV ad. The AP reported today that the
advertisement, created by the Ohio Republican Party, uses the lyrics to
Jackson Browne's "Running on Empty" to mock Obama's decision to fight
high gas prices by giving people automobile maintenance advice. The
Obama campaign pointed out that the song's chorus says, "In '65 I was
17 and running up 101/ I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just
running on," which sounds more like a certain RV-cruising Republican
candidate who's eligible for AARP benefits and confused about how to
properly inflate his tires.
FRIDAY AUG. 15
With issues such as high gas prices and the housing crisis worrying
America and Cincinnati's West Side, U.S. Rep. Steve Chabot has decided
to take on a more important issue: a health clinic moving to a new
building near a high school. The Enquirer today reported that
Chabot has been spending thousands of dollars to make sure West Siders
know he's against Planned Parenthood moving closer to West High where
it will "threaten the moral fabric of the West Side" with its free
condoms and cheap birth control.
SATURDAY AUG. 16
Now that the
California gay marriage protesters are busy collecting signatures to
have the recently legalized union between two humans banned, celebrity
gays are starting to have their own celebrations of lifelong love and
devotion. Us Magazine reported today that Ellen DeGeneres and
Portia de Rossia got married in an intimate ceremony at their Beverly
Hills home, and their mothers were in attendance to prove that being
gay doesn't necessarily ruin a parent's life. The highly-publicized
union is poised to influence the gay rights movement far beyond the gay
rights vs. special rights debate, according to gay analysts who say
that a rich 50-year-old marrying a super hot 35-year-old is evidence of
similarity between homosexual and heterosexual relationships.
SUNDAY AUG. 17
Republicans are finding out what it's like to be the minority in the
House of Representatives, and some have turned to grassroots style
politics to have their voices heard by Democrats. The Enquirer
today reported that Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis is the latest House
Republican to take part in a letter-writing campaign involving the
mailing of constituents' gas receipts to Nancy Pelosi in California as
a symbol of the pain and suffering that Kentuckians endure because
Democrats won't let oil companies drill in the Gulf of Mexico. Pelosi
released a statement after receiving the first batch of Sunoco
receipts, deriding Davis for not appreciating how much cheaper gas is
in Kentucky.
MONDAY AUG. 18
Pervez Musharraf quit being president of Pakistan today, just a year
after telling his country that there was no way in hell it could get
him to stop being the leader. According to the AP, the resignation was
brought on by plans by the country's parliament to impeach Musharraf,
who's gone by the playful nickname "Perv" in his home country ever
since seizing power in a 1999 military coup. As a staunch ally of the
U.S. war on terror and its fight against unfair global distribution of
unrefined oil, Perv often received blame for his country's militant
violence. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Perv's future is an
internal Pakistani issue but praised him as a freedom fighter, moral
leader and amazing lover.
TUESDAY AUG. 19
A new study out of the University of Kentucky found that people still
enjoy playing bingo even if they're not allowed to smoke cigarettes
while doing so. The Enquirer today reported that the study by
the UK college of Public Health found that revenues from bingo -- a
popular social contest involving numbers, letters and the excitement of
waiting -- were down across the state, but that other factors like the
poor economy and high gas prices contributed as much or more than the
banning of cancerous smoke indoors.
Contact Danny Cross: dcross@citybeat.com
