WEDNESDAY OCT. 8
There are drawbacks to living in a battleground state during election season, and The Enquirer today detailed one of the big negatives that comes with the consideration that politicians pretend to have for us: This shit costs us money! Every time a presidential or vice presidential candidate comes to Cincinnati to preach change or hope, our police officers have to block the streets, escort motorcades and protect them. But the costs — which in 2004 totaled $130,000 in overtime alone — are worth it, according to City Spokeswoman Meg Olberding, who said that when the rest of the country sees Ohio as a microcosm of our divided nation Cincinnati seems like one of the progressive and cultured places.
THURSDAY OCT. 9
Local Republican Chairman Alex Triantafilou said today that he’ll certainly not apologize for a racist and unoriginal campaign flyer against Democrat Connie Pillich that makes fun of her for opposing a law that would make English Ohio’s official language. The flyer shows a dog wearing a sombrero and asks the question, “Can you speak Spanish?” as if the dog is a person who can’t speak English and needs directions or help buying something. Triantafilou said that he shouldn’t have to apologize because the flyer was sent by the Virginia-based Republican State Leadership Committee and everyone thought depicting Mexicans as dogs was funny when Taco Bell did it.
FRIDAY OCT. 10
It´s time to cross another state off the list of places where heterosexual married people can go and have their lifelong love and devotion respected by society. (That´s three out of 50 for those who are counting.) The Connecticut Supreme Court today determined that civil unions aren´t good enough and that gays also deserve the honor of a marriage license.
SATURDAY OCT. 11
It was widely reported in the entertainment industry today that “private photos” of Angelina Jolie are scheduled to appear in the November edition of W magazine. But according to reports from Life & Style, the photos aren’t the kind of “personal” shots that teenage boys and perverts are used to seeing in men’s magazines and TV ads. According to the celebrity magazine, the photos were taken by life partner Brad Pitt and show part of Jolie’s left boob with a baby’s hand poking up from her shirt. The spread has caused controversy for its depiction of Jolie as a mother and not a sex object, which according to males 25-40 makes her seem 20 percent less hot and her movies 100 percent less cool.
SUNDAY OCT. 12
Sarah Palin today publicly responded to Friday’s unsealed investigation that determined that she had, in fact, violated state ethics laws when she canned Alaskan public safety commissioner Walter Monegan for refusing to fire her little sister’s ex-husband. Between campaign stops in Pennsylvania Palin used the seemingly indicting report as evidence of her innocence, focusing her comments on how Monegan had totally been suspended for things like tasering his stepson and shooting a female moose. Palin reportedly ended the conference call by singing the chorus of MC Hammer’s “2 Legit 2 Quit” but said she had to cut it short because there were still Pennsylvania voters who didn’t think Barack Obama was a Muslim.
MONDAY OCT. 13
The Enquirer today continued its ongoing coverage of the hilarious ways poor people try to get money, reporting that a Target employee “fucking stole stuff” and posting a mugshot of her on the Internet. According to the understaffed daily newspaper, the cashier is accused of “not ringing up $3,229 in merchandise while working at the Marburg Avenue store.” The Enquirer has long been lauded for its dedication to important small stories that other city papers often lose sight of in times of recession, war and historic presidential races. Sources inside the newsroom say the policy comes from Enquirer Publisher Margaret Buchanan, whose life was changed as a child when she stole a sea monkey kit from a drug store and her mom embarrassed her by making her return it and apologize.
TUESDAY OCT. 14
For the third time in his presidency, a critic of George Bush has won the Nobel Peace Prize, and Rueters today examined the latest winner’s disdain for GW in comparison to the others. Princeton University Professor Paul Krugman, who won this year’s award for his analysis of international trade, ranks right in the middle, as his twice-weekly New York Times column has ripped on Bush nearly 600 times since he took office. Al Gore’s peace prize from last year ranked last in insult-level due to his loser-y nature, but Jimmy Carter’s 2002 award was was considered the worst because Carter used the prize money to publish a picture book titled Curious George Goes to President School in which Bush is a troublesome monkey who has his lunch banana taken from him by a gang of mean squirrels.
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