WEDNESDAY OCT. 28
There
are times when a public figure (Charlie Winburn) has to take a stand
against a morally devoid organization (CityBeat) in a public place
(City Hall) despite the repercussions (getting his bitch ass sued). But
there are other times when this type of person does some weird private
stuff and gets sued for an amount of money so big that you have to
wonder what kind of weirdness is going on. George Jerome Barber, a
former music director at Winburn’s Encampment Church/Resurrection
Palace, on Tuesday sued the wily minister for $5 billion, accusing
Winburn of firing him for rebuffing his sexual advances and doing it
via text message (isn’t that just sooo dramatic?). Winburn responded by
calling the suit a political stunt and said he is so straight he
doesn’t even have sex with his wife from behind.
THURSDAY OCT. 29
Do
you enjoy going to the bathroom in public? Are you the type of person
who can pee no matter how many people are standing behind you, hoping
you’ll hurry up so they can go? You just might be the perfect person to
stand in a Times Square bathroom this holiday season to document how
sweet Procter & Gamble’s Charmin-branded bathrooms are. P&G
will hold open auditions Nov. 5 in search of five “outgoing and
enthusiastic people” who enjoy bathrooms, blogging, photography and who
aren’t afraid of making eye contact with a New Yorker in mid-stream.
The winners will be announced at the Charmin Restrooms Nov. 23, and
more information can be found at www.dreamjobforfreaks.com.
FRIDAY OCT. 30
We
at WWE! wouldn’t know what it’s like to be a sexually active
middle-aged married person (we occasionally have sex but it usually
involves a stranger and an extremely expensive body rub). But we’re
glad to know that if we ever end up in a relationship that needs a
little extra spark that our friends over in Clermont County are
prepared to fulfill our needs. The Enquirer today described The Cobra
Club, a private “social club” that allows people to bring their own
beer, dance to music with porn playing on TVs and have sex with each
other if they want to.
The club has caused some backlash from village
administrators (New Richmond Mayor Ramona Carr said people should only
have sex at home, and not until the kids are asleep), though the police
say they’ve had no trouble except for a couple of weirdos in Tom &
Jerry costumes trying to get food from a Sonic restaurant after it was
closed.
SATURDAY OCT. 31
If
it wasn’t obvious that Barack Obama is an elitist when he said that
stuff about people in Pennsylvania (all they wanted was to keep their
guns and have a pretty lady as Vice President), today’s report that the
Obama kids got the swine flu vaccine has proven it. The AP today
reported that complaints about the Obama children getting the vaccine
because they’re part of the high-risk group their dad is president have
appeared on blogs and Web sites all over the internets. The backlash
has alarmed the president, who said that if it would make the public
respect him more he’s willing to deal with the women at the DMV when
his license plates expire just like everybody else.
SUNDAY NOV. 1
There
are a lot of illegal activities that the government doesn’t really care
about: Go ahead and tear the tag off your mattress or paint some art on
a streetlight — nothing bad is gonna happen. The Enquirer reported
today that many gun dealers feel the same way about selling guns. A
July sting of seven U.S. gun shows found that out of the 30 times they
told the gun show dude they couldn’t pass a background check, 19 times
they were sold a piece anyway. Promoters of several gun shows have
blamed liberal queers anti-gun organizations for trying to tread on
them, though the NRA’s official statement included only the lyrics to a
recent Coors Lite jingle.
MONDAY NOV. 2
Five
years ago federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald interviewed Vice
President Dick Cheney only to come out of the meeting and describe a
“cloud over the vice president.” While most people assumed Fitzgerald
was referring to a theoretical cloud of senility and madness, the AP
today reported that it was more like a cloud of horse shit coming out
of his mouth. Cheney, who is such a bad person that his parents changed
his name to Dick because they hated him, said 72 times that he couldn’t
recall details in the Valerie Plame controversy. Cheney reportedly pled
“can’t recall” to matters big and small, which annoyed prosecutors
because one of the questions involved finding their car keys so they
could leave and not have to talk to him anymore.
TUESDAY NOV. 3
Sometimes
things happen that surprise even the most prepared person: a pencil
breaking; a light bulb burning out; your little brother kicking you in
the balls from behind and then beating your ass. The American taxpayers
today felt a similar sense of surprise when they learned that Ford
Motor Co. earned $1 billion in the third quarter of this year. The
sudden profitability of the seemingly inept automaker (the Ford Fusion?
Seriously?) impressed industry analysts, who said such gains once
seemed less likely than a Ford hybrid SUV or a woman sleeping with a
dude who drives a Mustang and not getting herpes.
DO YOU DRIVE A MUSTANG AND HAVE MORE HTAN A NEED FOR SPEED? WE CAN HELP: dcross@citybeat.com
