It's a fact of life that some people driving on the road have more alcohol in their blood than is legally allowed — there just aren't enough TGI Friday’s locations for everyone to be able to walk home after a super-fun dinner. The State of Ohio in 2008 decided that, although getting one DUI after drinking a fishbowl of Long Island Iced Tea is normal, accumulating five arrests for it is unreasonable and should be documented on a public database. The Enquirer reported today, however, that last-minute changes to Senate Bill 17 resulted in only 1 percent of the 36,000 such drivers being included, which was news to the bill’s sponsor, Ohio State Sen. Timothy Grendell, who said he thinks it’s weird when people who can’t walk think they can still push the pedal and turn the wheel OK enough to get home safely.
THURSDAY DEC. 31
God blesses everyone with different skills, that’s why we should never judge people who look like freaks because they might be able to do something cool like sing good. The Enquirer reported today that some young preachers are in a similar situation, as they’ve been blessed with the Bible’s words to tell people but not the delivery it takes to really get the message across. That’s why a collection of churches has organized the Festival of Young Preachers, which will take place in Louisville next week hoping to give rookie preachers feedback on content, mannerisms and methods of preaching. The festival will also feature seminars on specific preaching styles and a mandatory class on how to explain why God can make bets with the devil but humans aren’t allowed to steal fruit from him.
FRIDAY JAN. 1
We, as humans, don’t have to worry about any other species invading us because our consciousness and free will allow us to make awesome weapons to defend ourselves from even the scariest creatures on Earth.
SATURDAY JAN. 2
We all know what a robber looks like — for years the white dude with a black mask across his eyes was the most typical suspect when a bank or corner store was knocked off. The Enquirer reported today that police have lately been adding to this description a ponytail and boobs, as more women have been robbing banks than ever before. The interesting aspect of the trend — aside from how women get away when they’re such slow runners — is that women doing bad things without the help of men is actually an extension of women doing lots of things without men. Crime researchers say their biggest concern with women committing crimes on their own is that their husbands are probably somewhere else doing something even worse.
SUNDAY JAN. 3
Fact: Cincinnati is one of few major cities to address a massive deficit without raising taxes or making big service cuts. Opinion: Cincinnati’s leaders are a bunch of dicks. The Enquirer today, via a surprisingly thorough analysis, supported both these statements, as City Council’s 2010 budget does little to address the city’s long-term financial problems. By utilizing one-time cuts and borrowed money to soften the $51 million deficit, City Council has assured that next year’s budget negotiations will be as difficult and annoying as this year’s and that they’ll continue to have union support for whatever office they choose to run for next year.
MONDAY JAN. 4
If the best things in life were free, society would better appreciate grocery store salad bars (yes, those are free). But the truth is that people only like free stuff when it’s good, which is why USA Today is so interested in free hotel breakfast consumption being on the rise despite the fact that hotel attendance is down and the food turns crunchy if you try to eat it after 10 a.m. According to market research firm the NPD Group, which helps the restaurant industry figure out where people are eating if they’re not eating at restaurants (their houses?), free breakfast at cheaper hotels is part of a two-part problem that impacts both restaurants and high-end hotels. NPD expects the trend to continue in 2010 but for people to not have learned their lesson when the economy picks back up.
TUESDAY JAN. 5
If you think that rich people hate poor people, you’re wrong. Rich people just hate poorness, which is a state of existence and not the real essence of the poors. But that won’t stop landlords from being disappointed in those of us whose small contributions to the economy are coming from our parents’ basement and not the apartment we used to rent from them. The Enquirer today reported that landlords are now giving generous offers to attract new renters, as rent prices fell 3.5 percent last year and are expected to drop further. Among the deals being offered by property owners who miss getting money for nothing are reduced rents, new appliances and puppies to scratch up the floor so they can keep your deposit.
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