If you’ve ever ridden a train, chances are it’s because your car broke down and you needed to get a little closer to your destination before your friends would pick you up in a car that actually worked. And even though Corning, Calif., was a lovely place to drink whiskey by yourself for half a day, you probably haven’t ridden the rails since. That’s precisely why some dude named John Kasich, a Republican apparently running for governor, is insisting that current Gov. Ted Strickland try to use his federal stimulus rail money on roads and bridges. Kasich has argued a popular theory among
the short-sighted conservatives: that building trains when gasoline isn’t near $5 a gallon is boooring. A Strickland aide pointed out that the money isn’t allowed to go to roads, though he added that a train might be nice for Kasich to use to get home after Strickland whoops his ass in November because he can read The Economist and eat sandwiches while he travels.
THURSDAY FEB. 25
It’s difficult to get bipartisan support for things in America — the last time it happened was back when our leaders overwhelmingly agreed that it was a good idea to go over to Iraq and kick Saddam Hussein’s fucking ass. The state of California today summoned the ghost of bipartisanship, only instead of deciding to
enter into a never-ending conflict free an oppressed nation it wants to spend an entire week without saying things like “kick Saddam Hussein’s fucking ass.” The state Assembly today passed a resolution calling for an annual statewide “Cuss Free Week,” inspired by a South Pasadena teenager who said it really ticks him off when people use dang cuss words and crap. The resolution is expected to be passed by the state senate, which has already tried to ban the words mudslides, deficits, traffic jams and gays.
FRIDAY FEB. 26
It’s commonly understood that Republicans love “red-meat speeches,” the type that, like eating a giant T-bone steak, make you feel really strong at first but often result in bouts of diarrhea later (reports suggest that every time Bill Cunningham said “Barack Hussein Obama” in 2008 an elderly white man pooped his pants).
SATURDAY FEB. 27
If you’re a Greater Cincinnati Duke Energy customer, there’s a decent chance that when you saw last month’s bill you said something that’s now illegal in the state of California. That’s because the private company that runs our electric better than the government ever could today admitted that errors in billing cycles last month contributed to oversized bills for 100,000 customers (gosh freakin’ dangit!). The company says that four human errors caused a glitch in the billing formula (Energy=$), causing 50- to 60-percent overcharges to some customers. The company is waiving February late fees and encouraging people to pay only half their bill and either wait for the refunds to process or try to save money by turning off the bathroom light at night even though there’s no way to know where you’ll end up sleepwalking.
SUNDAY FEB. 28
The U.S.A. Hockey Team today defeated the Soviet Union 4-3 to advance to the gold medal game, which it won over Finland 4-2. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
MONDAY MARCH 1
Most people would agree that the word irony means that the effect of an outcome is contrary to what was or might have been expected (like buying electronics off Ebay and actually receiving them). The world of bar food knows the concept all too well, as its selling of chicken-part castoffs in super-spicy sauce has become so popular that the demand is driving up the cost of providing them. The problem, according to the Washington-based chicken industry trade group the National Chicken Council (seriously), is that the profit margin for wings isn’t high enough to constitute raising a whole bird without selling his breast and other parts. In response, many businesses are offering “boneless wings” made of breast meat while trying to figure out what kind of sauce will make chicken necks taste good.
TUESDAY MARCH 2
Sometimes it’s important for people to stand up for what they believe in no matter what the cost — Star Wars fans have long respected Han Solo getting frozen in carbonite in defiance of Jaba the Hut’s predatory lending practices. Sen. Jim Bunning of Kentucky, like the sarcastic, reckless smuggler Han, is taking a stand despite the public backlash that comes with such martyrdom (does being ridiculed when you’re not running for re-election hurt as bad getting turned into a statue?). bunning’s continued objections to a bill that would extend unemployment benefits and finance highway projects today resulted in the furloughing of 2,000 transportation employees and the stoppage of 40 highway projects nationwide, resulting in many citizens and peers saying, “WTF you MFer?” When contacted by ABC News regarding the issue, Bunning reportedly played Jay-Z’s “Dirt Off your Shoulder” through the phone and laughed in the background.
E-MAIL YOUR FAVORITE EDIBLE CHICKEN PART AND FLAVOR TO: firstname.lastname@example.org