WEDNESDAY JUNE 9
If you’ve ever tried to get service in
Hyde Park while wearing a non-collared shirt, you know how difficult
residents of this esteemed neighborhood can be (sorry, bud, thought it
was pronounced “Smith-wicks”). One local business owner is feeling the
political pain that such people can bring, as his request for rezoning
to allow three properties to use a parking lot they all touch was
handily opposed on Tuesday (20 Hyde Park residents inside City Hall =
uprising). At issue is the precedent set if the owner turns one of the
residential properties into a business (even though he agreed not to)
and ruins the residential character of the block (which is very nice).
Members of Council’s Livable Communities Committee said the concern was
unwarranted but agreed with one resident’s opinion that the idea of a
KFC and Taco Bell in the same location is unsavory.
THURSDAY JUNE 10
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell how fast
a car is going — one minute you’re nonchalantly crossing Fifth Street
after a Reds game, the next minute a BMW mirror smashes your arm on its
way back to Mason. Such is the type of faulty judgment that concerns two
Northern Ohio lawmakers working on bills to require police officers to
use some form of technology to determine an automobile’s speed. The
bills are in response to a recent Ohio Supreme Court ruling that allows
officers to testify that an individual was ticketed for driving too fast
and not just because he had a Grateful Dead sticker on his car.
FRIDAY JUNE 11
For most journalists, uncovering heinous
corruption or shining light on a story that demonstrates the subtleties
of the human condition is the basis for their professional goals. Not so
much for those at The Enquirer, whose editors get excited about
funny arrest stories like they just heard a light was on at the
Watergate Hotel.
Today’s edition of “What a Fucking Idiot, 2010” was
titled “Fizz goes out of Kroger cola caper,” which only the most
dedicated Enquirer reader understood as something other than a
bad writer’s bad sense of humor. The story is assumed to have not been
funny to the families of those charged with the crimes but was pretty
good to those of us who make money by making fun of The Enquirer’s
site when it’s not frozen by pictures of lizards.
SATURDAY JUNE 12
Those of us whose heavy moderate drinking has long been justified by anxiety and existential crisis health
benefits were bummed to learn today that a new study is challenging the
idea of alcohol protecting heart health. According to a new report, the
benefits of moderate alcohol consumption don’t come from moderate
alcohol consumption itself but from the lifestyle lived by people who
only consume alcohol moderately. Moderate drinkers are likely to have a
high social status, exercise more and better overall health than those
who don’t drink (antisocial people/dorks) or abuse alcohol
(irresponsible people/Covington residents). The finding has also upset
thousands of male Baby Boomers who thought drinking one glass of red
wine a day made them feel more gay than their health was worth.
SUNDAY JUNE 13
It’s 9 a.m. on a Monday, do you know
where your National Rifle Association Ohio representative is? If you
said “probably out by the Ohio-West Virginia border talking mass shit,”
you’d be correct. But if you added, “about endorsing a Democrat,” you’d
also be right. The NRA today officially endorsed Gov. Ted Strickland
(D-Gun Town) over challenger John Kasich, who has since been described
in GOP circles as “Little Gun Johnny.” The NRA included in its
endorsement an A-plus rating for Strickland, though some members
admitted they were afraid Kasich would lose and then Strickland would
get mad and take the guns out of their hands before they were dead.
MONDAY JUNE 14
When we at WWE! first heard that the
vuvuzela instrument was causing controversy at the World Cup soccer
tournament in South Africa, our first thought was to turn the story into
some type of hornblower reference. But after considerable deliberation —
and several inappropriate google searches — we decided that too many CityBeat
employees would be offended by such a joke (lots of soccer fans).
Apparently the vuvuzela is an extremely loud horn that has become a
tradition at South African sporting events and is interrupting World Cup
matches. The tournament’s governing body has reportedly considered
banning the horns but only because Italian fans are using them to hide
the childish insults their players use on the field (such as
hornblower).
TUESDAY JUNE 15
There are few images more disturbing than
the savior of mankind nailed to a couple pieces of wood with blood on
his face — considering crucifixion will make even the most disinterested
non-Christian feel guilty for getting super mad every time the Internet
is being slow. God today offered humanity another image to think about
when he smote the 62-foot-tall statue of Jesus outside Solid Rock Church
in Monroe, setting ablaze a monument that has become known to locals as
“Touchdown Jesus” for its resemblance to a football referee signaling a
touchdown. The statue is expected to be resurrected in the shape of
Jesus dunking a basketball so the hoop can extend high into the sky and
also function as a lightning rod.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO: letters@citybeat.com
