June 23-28: Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JUNE 23

Anyone familiar with TV news knows that reporting success these days is largely based on how sweet a station’s technological gadgets are (Glenn Beck’s chalkboards are the lone exception to the rule). The Enquirer today performed its daily newspaper version of multimedia progress, sending a reporter out with a hand-held thermometer on a 90-degree day to measure how hot things are. Prefacing his discoveries with the acknowledgment that only a fraction of people in Cincinnati didn’t already know it was hot as hell outside, this intrepid layoff-dodger recorded such fascinating discoveries as a 113-degree metal picnic table and 133-degree asphalt. This Sunday’s issue is expected to include an interactive map showing what time the sun goes down in different parts of town.

THURSDAY JUNE 24

If you’re not outraged that the President of the United States has the same middle name as the last name of a former foreign dictator, then you’re probably too busy rolling your own cigarettes to pay attention. Luckily there are people like Bill Cunningham to point out such meaningful coincidences. Unfortunately, Cunningham’s propensity for “telling it like a big jerk thinks it is” got the local radio host in trouble last week after a taping of his new TV show for the WGN network in Chicago resulted in a lawsuit from parents of a child beauty pageant contestant who say Cunningham verbally abused and laughed at them. Insiders say the incident was meant to cause controversy in an attempt to make the Big Willie show like a Jerry Springer Show for Republicans.

FRIDAY JUNE 25

We at WWE! have been removed from professional positions for several different reasons, but even we have never been blamed for anything like what Gen. Stanley McChrystal got the boot from President Obama for last week: undermining the civilian control of the military.

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SATURDAY JUNE 26

Here’s a joke: A former high-ranking city official heads a development project that needs a $750,000 taxpayer-funded grant to get off the ground. Do you really want to hear the punchline? OK … you asked for it … the development is in East Price Hill. Proving that you don’t have to actually be in office to get a little sugar from the government get things done in real estate, former councilman John Cranley’s Incline Village is asking for TIF money, which has increasingly become known as the business version of a welfare handout (hey, if you throw it at the school system they’ll just waste it). The development will include luxury apartments, a restaurant, a beer garden overlooking downtown and giant mirrors on the outside to trick poor people into thinking there’s nothing there.

SUNDAY JUNE 27

Loyal readers of Cincinnati’s only favorite daily newspaper are used to reading great stories about the funny ways people get arrested. (Remember the naked guy who stole the cheese? That’s hilarious unless you consider that he’s homeless and probably mentally unstable.) The Enquirer today decided to try out the journalistic polar opposite — telling a bunch of good stories with no cultural, social or economic consideration. Among the good news is that some people volunteer, high school kids often do good things and people who do bad things sometimes help others later. The story was accompanied by a photo slideshow of dogs wearing Halloween costumes set to the tune of “MMMBop” by Hanson.

MONDAY JUNE 28

If you work downtown, you already know that an early afternoon staff meeting pretty much means you’re not getting lunch from anywhere but the secret file cabinet where you hide the Oreos. Starting today, 2:30 p.m. is no longer the point of no carryout return, as several mobile food trucks are expected to take up daytime residence at three locations downtown. As many as 10 businesses filled out the necessary permits to start offering their food-made-in-a-car from 6:30 a.m. to 3:30 a.m., which enthusiasts of such fare say will also please people who work at night and those who drink excessively during the week.

TUESDAY JUNE 28

If you’re smart enough to complete a bachelor’s degree in English, you shouldn’t be stupid enough to borrow money for a master’s degree in Journalism (it’s like buying a Ford and then taking it to a Chevy dealership for repairs). The Enquirer today reported that there still exists a growing number of students this gullible idealistic, and a similarly large number of for-profit colleges have emerged in accordance. According to reports, more than 1.8 million students attend such career schools, which is three times as many as 10 years ago and doesn’t include national chains like University of Phoenix, DeVry and the somewhat controversial South Dakota State School for Making Chairs (should refurbishing really be part of a creativity-based curriculum?). The trend has reportedly annoyed high school auto mechanic teachers, who say they warned kids about college a long time ago when they formally advised them to “go out and get a fucking job.”