June 30-July 6: Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JUNE 30

In Cincinnati it’s common knowledge that certain types of people get profiled by the police; UC basketball players, for instance, get in trouble for as little as accidentally discharging a gun on campus even if it doesn’t hit anyone. That doesn’t mean local sports types took kindly to recent comments by ESPN writer Ric Bucher regarding the unfair treatment of athletes by Cincinnati police.

Enquirer sports reporter Joe Reedy today pointed out that local athletes during recent years have been cited in many different jurisdictions and states, a trend that proves both police fairness and an open mind by athletes regarding where and when they choose to get buck wild. The report also explained a Kentucky officer’s recent decision to jail Reds player Brandon Phillips for speeding because he yelled “Go Reds!” instead of handing over his insurance card.

THURSDAY JULY 1

Cincinnati City Councilman Chris Monzel is an expert in several fields: Dude has a master’s degree in engineering and lived in Mount Adams long enough to know the difference between a sinus infection and an unhealthy interest in doing blasters in the bathroom. One thing he never picked up on, however, is the competition the city faces for visitors, as his recent opposition to raising parking meter fees downtown was based on the fact that there’s free parking at Kenwood Towne Centre.

The increase passed 5-4, despite the minority’s fears of a mass exodus up I-71, raising the cost of one-hour parking to $2 downtown and 50 cents elsewhere. The revenue is expected to help pay for renovations to downtown garages and stronger plexiglass on meters so they don’t break when people punch them after getting a ticket.

FRIDAY JULY 2

You know what’s nice? Having a first place hometown baseball team.

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SATURDAY JULY 3

If you were to ask Americans how it makes them feel to be compared to the Roman Empire, most would say something along the lines of, “That’s what’s up.” (People from Colerain would likely add an expletive to the end as well.) Such feelings of pride are not what Republican U.S. Senate nominee Rand Paul meant to conjure when he recently compared America to the Romans, because he thinks we’re an empire on the verge of collapse.

Paul today described to a group of costume-wearing freaks tea party supporters the ways the Roman emperor distracted his people from economic turmoil with free bread and circus entertainment, only to have a fringe political party ruin his plans weakened economy slowly bring down society.

SUNDAY JULY 4

Local residents who are proud of their country spent today enjoying what’s great about America: its embrace of holiday drinking and blowing stuff up in the name of freedom. But even the most patriotic of local amateur pyrotechnicians was slightly alarmed to read The Enquirer’s list of top stories early in the day, which included such reports as “The American dream is real,” “Man found stabbed in Middletown,” “Anything is possible here” and “Harrison teen dies in crash.” Online commenters appeared annoyed at the imposition of bad news on their Independence Day, though most forgot once they realized they hadn’t checked the weekend DUI checkpoint locations and made the requisite changes to their driving routes.

MONDAY JULY 5

Those of us with white skin who have experienced the reaction of a public school teacher to a T-shirt brandishing the image of a dog biting a man’s penis along with the words “Fucking shit man!” understand how harsh teachers can be (getting sent to the bathroom to turn it inside out was waaay embarrassing). A new study suggests that a black kid might suffer a harsher penalty for such a stunt, as the state’s 17 percent of public school students who are black make up 74 percent of its disciplinary actions. The report states that the unequal penalization of black students occurs in suburban and rural schools as well as urban districts, though it did note that quoting lyrics by Lil’ Jon & the Eastside Boyz has proven to get kids suspended no matter what race they are.

TUESDAY JULY 6

If there’s one thing that irks a county judge, it’s a person in his or her courtroom with a thug mentality. And even though the term “thug mentality” offers no real meaning, an Enquirer story that used the cliche today offered other information that was actually interesting. Hamilton County judges are considering a ban on cell phones inside courtrooms due to the many ways they can interfere with the criminal justice process, from witnesses texting each other during a trial to jurors and witnesses having their pictures taken as a means of intimidation.

Critics of the proposed ban say it’s important for people watching the more boring trials to have other forms of entertainment and that courtroom sketches are actually more accurate than a lot of cell phone cameras anyway.