If you were asked to write a caption underneath a photo
of an old, overly tanned guy swinging a golf club, it would be
perfectly reasonable to write something along the lines of “Cialis
saved my marriage, but now I never get to golf.” That's not what's
printed on a new billboard on I-75 South, as it was purchased by a
group called Blue America in reference to the lavish lifestyle Rep.
John Boehner leads while also leading the fight against liberals and
the devil. The billboard, which reads “Beat Boehner,” directs readers
to a Web site in support of Democrat Justin Coussoule, a West Point
grad/lawyer from Liberty Township who says he doesn't really play golf
because he's not an old asshole yet.
THURSDAY AUG. 5
There are perfectly good reasons to visit a local
shopping mall on a Friday or Saturday night, the best of which involve
none of the social disorders generally associated with people who go to
malls on weekend nights. But for every responsible shopper popping in
for a last-minute accessory at The Gap, there's about 15 teenagers who
are up to no good (sex, drugs and ski ball). That's why Tri-County Mall
today enacted a Youth Escort Policy that will ban teenagers without
adult supervision after 4 p.m. The policy is similar to those adopted
by Newport on the Levee and Dayton Mall, which have reported major
changes in the demeanor of teenagers who try to post up next to
Cinnabon with their moms.
FRIDAY AUG. 6
There are plenty of reasonable questions to ask of the
U.S. government after witnessing several months of oil spillage, shaky
federal responses and the extreme concern of BP employees on TV
commercials (the guy from Louisiana seemed to care the most). But
the AP reported today that for every one of us whose original question
— WTF? — is still unanswered, there's a BP executive thinking something
else: “So how much oil is still in the well?” The AP reported today
that a company official confirmed that decisions still have to be made
regarding the governmental oversight
commercial viability of the site, with considerable power resting with
the management of the lease.
The official said BP would be perfectly
willing to ask the sea animals if they'd mind the company giving it
another shot but they're all dead now.
SATURDAY AUG. 7
You don't have to be gay to support a California judge's
decision to overturn the state's gay marriage ban — you don't even have
to be gay to enjoy it in your own private sort of way. But according to
opponents of same-sex marriage, the judge who overturns the ruling must
not be gay himself. The AP reported today that conservative groups are
concerned about Chief U.S. Judge Vaughn Walker's potential gayness,
which would present a conflict of interest like when black judges rule
on cases involving black people or female judges allow women to have
full driving privileges (uh oh!). The rumor, originally reported by a
newspaper and then confirmed by bloggers, was further fueled by photos
of the judge from behind showing that he wasn't wearing any clothes
under his robe.
SUNDAY AUG. 8
If your lifestyle dictates that you receive a hard copy
of a daily newspaper, you woke up today to find a freshly printed
Cincinnati Enquirer at your home — probably on your doorstep,
definitely with some Pop Tarts coupons in it. Unfortunately, you also
probably found a lead story that relates to people like you — those
whose local school districts don't provide buses. Nearly a third of
local public school districts have tax issues on the November ballot,
many of which have cut bus funding for entire districts. Officials say
it's important to cut as few in-class resources as possible, though
many parents have accused their districts of trying to strong-arm them
into voting for levies because driving kids to school is a pain in the
ass.
MONDAY AUG. 9
What's worse than a psychologically damaged military veteran
lazy, nonworking jerk asking for money on downtown city streets? A
collection of perfectly healthy-looking teenagers doing it. Such was
the scene over the weekend when a group of students from Mason
practiced panhandling at the corner of Fountain Square. The exercise,
organized by two teenage members of St. Susanna Parish in Mason (though
not formally associated with the church in case real homeless people
figure out what bus goes all the way out there and try to ask for more
help), was meant to spread awareness about homelessness. The teen
panhandlers reportedly held signs that read "Supporting dignity of all
human life” and “Screw you dad I'm helping them!”
TUESDAY AUG. 10
We at WWE! are not the type to name names, so it's no
surprise that we will not be divulging the identity of the
6-foot-6-inch white male whose drunken ceiling punch cracked the
sunroof of our perfectly innocent automobile this past weekend
(initials J.H.S.). But even we would be forced to tell the truth if the
National Insurance Crime Bureau came questioning us due to the reported
14-percent rise in questionable insurance claims this year (Joey did
it). According to reports, nearly half of the 8,000 claims suspected of
fraud during the first half of this year involved automobiles, with
owner-smashed car windows leading the way. When asked to comment on the
trend, Joe Wehrle, president of the insurance industry group, painted a
bleak picture of humanity and then cried a little bit.
QUESTIONS? COMMENTS?: dcross@citybeat.com
