May 16-24: Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY MAY 18

It’s difficult to understand why Gov. John Kasich does many of the things he does — one day he’s offering tax breaks to any corporation that contributes to his campaign interested in investing in Ohio, the next day he’s raising taxes on casino developers because someone in Southeastern Indiana told him to Ohio taxpayers got a bad deal. That’s why it was nice to learn today that Kasich has recently promised to do something that makes total sense: get rid of Ohio’s pink drivers licenses. Kasich reportedly took a break during a speaking engagement with Dayton-area business leaders to express dissatisfaction with his newly acquired salmon-colored Ohio ID. The state reportedly chose the color because it is one of the most difficult to duplicate on a fake license, to which Kasich said, “That shit is gay as hell.”

THURSDAY MAY 19

In many ways it’s easy to follow the logic behind conservative thinking — arguing for things to stay the same is way easier than trying to keep up with the stuff young people do (“What’s Facebook? Can you Facebook me?!?”). But for every old white guy content with his retirement money someday taking a ride on the Free Market Express, there are dozens of progressives who these days are saying “F@*%!” in response to Ohio’s conservative-supported anti-union law. A new Quinnipiac survey released today found that 54 percent of Ohioans think the law is “B@*&SH*!” and should be repealed while only 36 percent say it is “F@*%*&$ AWESOME” and should be kept. A petition drive is reportedly underway that will allow the majority to overturn the law unless a third of its members get pissed about teachers making so much money they can own their own homes.

FRIDAY MAY 20

We at WWE! are not really in the habit of judging other people’s fashion sense, as our general inclination is to go with a slightly rumpled short-sleeve shirt with sleeves rolled up worn with a slim cotton tie and tucked into a pair of light slim-fit jeans (unless it’s the weekend — tank top/cutoffs).

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SATURDAY MAY 21

It’s rare that scientists are able to figure out exactly when an invasive species was introduced to an area — there is generally more than one person at a time who thinks it’s funny to see what a weird animal from Australia will do if you let it loose in your own neighborhood (probably get killed by cats, maybe eat a bird). The Enquirer today reported that one such not-so-local species — the European wall lizard — followed a different path to Cincinnati: smuggled from Italy in the sock of a 10-year-old boy named George Rau in 1951. Rau brought them back because he thought it would be cool to see them climbing on the walls of his house, the now-70-year-old said from his home in Grand Junction, Colo., where officials are currently investigating an influx of yellow-necked field mice that Rau says he knows nothing about.

SUNDAY MAY 22

Every great leader understands that you must always take responsibility for your actions —
Colin Powell says respecting the lowest members of an organization assures that someone still likes you once George Bush makes you look like a dick to everyone else. Eighty-nine-year-old fundamentalist radio preacher Harold Camping today walked out his front door in Alameda, Calif., only to find even his most devout followers feeling pretty skeptical of his leadership after not getting brought up to Heaven on Saturday like he had promised. Camping said he was flabbergasted that Jesus didn’t return to Earth over the weekend, promised to secure a lengthy explanation from God before Monday’s broadcast and then went back inside to eat some Hot Pockets he saved just in case.

MONDAY MAY 23

It’s no secret that today’s journalism world ain’t what it used to be — no competition among local daily papers, little investigative reporting, web publishing allowing editors to take out all the puns bad writers reporters think are humorous. But just when you think the state of the industry can’t get any worse (maybe you’re just angry about cincinnati.com offering West Chester and Mason Buzz blogs and leaving out Anderson), The Enquirer goes and breaks new ground by sending a reporter to walk the proposed route of the Cincinnati Streetcar and time it. The exercise was in response to City Hall releasing the streetcar’s 6.7 mph average speed, which the newspaper’s reporter/walker found to be just a bit faster than his own pace. To further illustrate the city’s lack of need for transit and humans’ ability to move around on their own, one editor reportedly timed himself riding a bike to Findlay Market from Fountain Square faster than a sports car because he didn’t stop at any lights.

TUESDAY MAY 24

U.S. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner today congratulated the Obama administration for rescuing the American auto industry, citing Chrysler’s recent repayment of $5.1 billion in TARP loans as evidence of a “goddam miracle” and the company’s ability to get rapper Eminem to endorse its cars as “pretty neat.”