WEDNESDAY JUNE 1
There are times when Cincinnati seems
like a cool place — maybe it’s Final Friday or there’s some type of
food festival selling so much beer you don’t realize half the people
around you live in Mason (“Yeah bro, I’m wasted too! Break whatever
that is!”). But for every weekend filled with well-planned fun, there
are five weekdays when city leaders make young people want to hop the
out to Portland. Such was the case today when five “conservative”
council members responded to the city manager’s proposal to raise
property tax to help offset the city’s massive budget deficit by
saying, “Nah, let’s lower them.”
Conservative/Republican/Sonofawealthyfamily Chris Bortz admitted that
the city’s budget is precarious but said it’s not fair to consider tax
increases per $100,000 worth of home because all of his friends have
huge ones and get mad about adding up all the taxes.
THURSDAY JUNE 2
If you’re a normal person who regularly reads about the things Gov. John Kasich has done since taking office, then you probably sometimes wish there existed a giant hole you could crawl down into, far enough to never again read the words, “Kasich says pink stuff is gay.” Unfortunately for you, the only such hole that exists was created by Kasich when he decided to raise the agreed-upon tax rate on the casino developers who were just about to start providing jobs and revenue for the state. Labor groups today protested the vacant construction site at Broadway Commons, which they have dubbed “Kasich’s Crater,” arguing that the 1,000 idle construction jobs are hurting the economy almost as badly as Kasich said Ted Strickland policies did, only this is real.
FRIDAY JUNE 3
Even the most staunch liberal knows that it is very important to have an effective police force — for every left-wing journalist filling out public records requests like a narc there are about 10 Ralph Nader supporters asking an off-duty cop to help get their American Spirits back from the big guy at the bar.* That’s why those of us who pride ourselves on being nonsmoking leftists who have never voted Green (flip-floppers 4-life!) were happy today to have one more reason not to go to Amelia: We prefer to avoid places that don’t have police forces.** Village leaders have already asked the county sheriff if he will help out if any teenagers figure out that the high school’s football helmets look like anarchy signs and start freaking out.***
SATURDAY JUNE 4
The Ohio Department of Alcohol and Drug Addiction Services today felt the need to point out that underage drinkers get in trouble faster when consuming high-alcohol beers (as if no 16-year-old has ever taken a joyride on the riding lawnmower after a sixer of dad’s High Life).
SUNDAY JUNE 5
There are people in this world who pretend to be something that they’re not — from George W. Bush wearing his little fighter pilot suit at the Iraq War victory celebration (size: children’s XL) to women wearing fake butts (size: large) in public. Sarah Palin last week outdid even the combination of such phoniness (GW reportedly wore a fake butt during his final meetings with Colin Powell), when she answered a Boston TV reporter’s question “Do you know what Paul Revere did?” with a rambling, “I-didn’t-do-my-homework” type of response (“My dog ate my intelligence.”). Palin today defended the answer, noting that no one in the liberal media was there so they need to back up off her freedom.
MONDAY JUNE 6
When a touring hippie band comes through Cincinnati it’s widely understood that there are going to be a lot of dumb people doing a lot of dumb things, most likely drunk on margaritas while dressed like giant birds. That didn’t stop The Enquirer from today reporting the devastating social effects of seven fans of the hippie Rock band Phish bringing illegal drugs to the concert at Riverbend June 5 (“Oh dear, what has Anderson Township come to?”). Judge Dwane Mallory today ordered the hippies to be held on $50,000 bonds so they couldn’t sneak off to the band’s next stop, though a lawyer for the drug users argued that if anyone in the room had to listen to Phish sober they’d be willing to consume the first thing they could find with a skull and crossbones on the label too.
TUESDAY JUNE 7
Fox 19 today announced plans for production of a local reality show about rich young women that will demonstrate the social events and fundraising causes that make up the lives of bored, wealthy people. The show is set to air either before The Simpsons or after Cops depending on whether it ends up being funny or sad.
* This was a really long, clunky sentence. Sorry!
** This one was a little too long as well. Sorry!
*** Did this dumb anarchy joke make up for it?
IS PUNK ROCK DEAD OR NOT?: firstname.lastname@example.org