WEDNESDAY JUNE 13
Kroger Co. reported its first quarter results before the markets opened this morning, and things have apparently been going well for the country’s largest supermarket chain. Last quarter, the total number of households who did their grocery shopping at Kroger increased and its core group of “loyal customers” (defined by shopping patterns and data collected from Kroger Plus Cards) expanded. Market analysts predict that the Cincinnati-based company’s performance will continue to improve next quarter and that Kroger would be doing a lot better financially if everyone would please stop using the U-Scan checkout lines to ring up Mediterranean delicacies from the olive bar using the code for napa cabbage.
THURSDAY JUNE 14
The University of Cincinnati is still unsure of how to handle protests and demonstrations on campus, two days after a federal judge ruled that the public university’s decision to restrict all “demonstrations, picketing, and rallies” to a Free Speech Area violated the First Amendment. Earlier this year, a campus group filed a lawsuit against the university after it was denied the right to walk across UC’s campus and gather signatures for a petition. The University of Cincinnati is one of the most expensive public universities in the country to attend, so it came as a surprise to some that the school didn’t know beforehand that attempting to enact this un-American policy would result in defeat. UC President Gregory H. Williams would like the public to know that the cause of UC’s ill-advised attempt to limit free speech was not caused by a university-wide lack of understanding of the Constitution. Instead, he attributed this embarrassing chain of events to a computer program that UC uses to maximize profits each term and “finding out the hard way what happens when you search ‘free + UC campus’ then eliminate every result that comes up.”
FRIDAY JUNE 15
Poor hearing and slow reaction time are just a few of the things we can all admit are wrong with old people.
SATURDAY JUNE 16
New laws will soon change where and how you can buy things to blow up in Northern Kentucky. In March 2011, a bill passed that allowed the establishment of permanent retail sites for fireworks sales and also legalized the sale of mine shells, aerial shells and other previously illegal types of fireworks. Fortunately, the new fireworks laws in Kentucky do not contradict universal laws about fireworks, which dictate that those with the smallest amounts of disposable income will purchase the most of them, and that people with the dumbest kids will entrust them to light them off at the earliest ages.
SUNDAY JUNE 17
The second season of the Constella Festival of Music and Fine Arts lineup was released today. It will consist of 22 events between Sept. 30 and Nov. 2 and be performed in established and non-traditional venues in the Cincinnati area. Ticket sales are said to be going well, although Ticketmaster reps concede that after this event there are probably going to be a lot of pissed-off stoners who can’t figure out why the festival moved from California to Cincinnati or why nobody cool like hologram Tupac played.
MONDAY JUNE 18
Issues of historical accuracy are holding up the production of a Superman license plate in Ohio. The original design, featuring the slogan “Ohio — Birthplace of Superman” has come under fire from various groups. The comic was created in the 1930s by two teens near Cleveland. The problem is that Superman was born on the planet Krypton. One plan to sidestep this complicated issue is said to involve putting that cartoon with Superman standing in front of a shattered urinal on the license plate because that shit is funny.
TUESDAY JUNE 19
Duke Energy customers in Cincinnati might
have to pay to help move the utility’s lines for the soon-to-be
constructed streetcar. Duke spokesman Jason Walls states that the
company intends to offset the relocation costs “from either a local
government or its residents.” Walls also stated that “all of our
customers already hate us so there isn’t much of a point in trying to
support this positive development in the community in anyway.”
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