If you've ever seen Jean Schmidt in person, you know that she looks just like she does in pictures and on TV (kind of mean). The Enquirer reported today that after President Obama's state of the union address Schmidt looked like herself but was acting like somebody who actually respected the president.
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It's bad enough to get a text message from your girlfriend when you know she's driving a car, but when your dad hits you with an ROFL while he's on the road driving a big rig, you know several things are wrong (ROFL). That's why the U.S. government today formally banned truckers and bus drivers from texting while behind the wheel.
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The Cincinnati Enquirer isn't like other news sites that lately have focused a lot of coverage on the terrible, unimaginable suffering the residents of Haiti are trying to survive. Instead, a big picture of a piece of pizza greeted its Web site visitors Jan. 19. Mmmmm! Leave it to the liberals in L.A., Miami and New York to harass readers with pictures of dead bodies, crying babies and utter devastation. Here in Cincinnati we've got bigger fish to fry (and pizza to eat).
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We at WWE! realize that in 17 years things will be a lot different — technology will be increasingly difficult to use and people who are 10 right now will be able to kick our asses. Another thing that’s going to suck is that the $1.9 billion Cincinnati Retirement System is going to be broke unless fundamental changes are made soon.

We, as humans, don’t have to worry about any other species invading us because our consciousness and free will allow us to make awesome weapons to defend ourselves from even the scariest creatures on Earth. But that doesn’t mean some of the not so scary ones can’t mess up our habitats, which is potentially worse than whatever happens when a hippopotamus gets mad at you.
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If there are two things you don’t need, and one of them costs more but is taxed less, which one seems more appealing? Not enough information? Let’s say one makes your skin look like you just got back from vacation and the other makes your face look like you’re 15 years younger and surprised.
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There are a lot of bad choices one can make during his lifetime: driving drunk, having unsafe sex and giving a real e-mail address to the cashier at Best Buy are all pretty dumb. Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune today said his recent decision to raise the county cigarette tax was a similarly bad choice.
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Adults generally agree that eating at fast-food restaurants is a great deal and can save your family a lot of money. But the majority also realizes that with the financial benefit of serving KFC with a side of Taco Bell for dinner comes a significant amount of time in the bathroom afterward.
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Imitation is to flattery as satire is to mockery. Hamilton County GOP chairman Alex Triantafilou today demonstrated this analogy when he mocked Barack Obama’s 30,000-troop dedication to Afghanistan on Tuesday.

The week after Thanksgiving might mean a shopper's paradise for some, but for others it's the best reason ever to oil up the ol' rifle, climb up into a tree house and shoot the shit out of something that's alive. That's right, friends! It's hunting season! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!