So, you’re a proud American spending your
weekend drinking and eating stuff, not arguing over whether bargaining
rights are ruining America or if they already did when the Baby Boomers
built all those cars, suburban homes and highways (dude, get over it).
Either way, today was a day to put such partisan bickering aside and ...
Talking to scientists is always kind of crazy — you know they’re smarter than you but the slightest amount of eye contact makes them start talking so fast you can’t even pretend to be following. The AP today checked in with a group of extremely enthusiastic scientists on their own terms (by phone), reporting the details of a black hole eating a star 3.8 billion light years from Earth and then shooting matter out of its center at 80-90 percent of the speed of light (I know, right?!?).
Everybody understands that historical facts can be difficult to remember — boring topics, long-lost cultures, people who thought dinosaurs were real, etc. That’s why it wasn’t a big deal when Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann incorrectly described a couple of Revolutionary War battles and confused Elvis Presley’s birthday with his death (what’s the difference — he’s in Heaven now with all the black people whose music he stole).
The Lexington Herald Leader today reported that the state of Kentucky will give a 75-percent property tax break to a sweet biblical theme park that will have a full-sized replica of Noah's Ark. The state has already given $43 million in incentives to the Answers in Genesis folks who brought you The Creation Museum, which you and your friends always planned on getting stoned and visiting but never did.
Protesters showed up at John Boehner’s West Chester office today only to find a note on the door that read, “Sorry, slackers — out on the golf course. :)” Staffers refused to answer any questions about local job creation except to point out that Boehner at that moment was paying a caddie and several different people to bring him drinks.
Two Romanian men were arrested today on charges of reprogramming Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards to dispense cash at ATMs. Both suspects were in the country on journalism visas and used the hacked cards to swipe $17,703 from a Chase Bank in Queens, N.Y. The suspects’ haul from the job earned them a slew of charges and two spots on the “100 Top Paid Journalists in America 2011” list.
Barack Obama and John Boehner walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here … just kidding — what do you assholes want?” This stupid joke is a lot funnier than what actually happened when Obama and Boehner walked into a meeting room in an attempt to avoid a government default, only to walk back out and blame each other for walking away.
There are certain topics that newspaper headline writers enjoy a lot, the type of stories that allow for the creation of puns so funny that every elderly person who can still read 48-point font will laugh until they pee their pants (and then hopefully laugh about that). One such topic offered itself to The Enquirer today — the possible legalization of medical marijuana — and its online editor came through with the following: “Pot ballot measure now a joint effort.”
Every construction manager understands that sometimes there’s just no way around taking a break from the job — between bad weather, lost materials or John Kasich, something is bound to slow down production. Highway workers outside of Columbus today found out the hard way that just about anything can send you home early — hardhat and lunchmeat sandwich in hand.
It’s refreshing to hear Cincinnati City Councilpersons discuss forward-thinking concepts — remember when they figured out a way to get the garbage picked up for free so no one had to pay for it? Buncha geniuses.
There are some things that business owners don’t need to fully understand — where their products come from, how much the excessive packaging will affect the Earth in 2050, whether or not too much contact with what they’re selling can cause mice to see the future (fine, be skeptical!). One such question will soon be answered by a new University of Cincinnati study: whether or not putting a sign in front of a business actually attracts customers.
Angry Vancouver residents took to the streets today after their beloved Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, doing their best to re-create scenes from the last stages of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Coverage of the riot began once the American media’s disbelief of the normally docile Canadians’ ability to riot subsided, and was followed by the filing of video that surprisingly showed that those participating were not wearing flannel shirts.
Steve Chabot banned cameras from a town hall meeting in Green Township for “security purposes.” Chabot then advised residents to fight a new plan to add public housing units to the neighborhood, though his speech was reportedly cut short when he saw a guy playing “Angry Birds” on a cell phone and thought he was recording a video and laughing.
We were happy today to have one more reason not to go to Amelia: We prefer to avoid places that don’t have police forces. Village leaders have already asked the county sheriff if he will help out if any teenagers figure out that the high school’s football helmets look like anarchy signs and start freaking out.
Ohio State University football coach Jim Tressel today resigned amid investigations into rule violations by his players, only to have the school and its fans respond with a heartfelt :’(. Tressel, who is best known for wearing sweater vests, beating Michigan and pretending to be the dad in Family Ties, said his departure is what’s best for the university.