Santa (aka Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Sinterklaas, Tim Allen) is an old white dude of debatable Pagan/Christian/secular origin whose primary task is to bring gifts to children all over the world at some point during the months of December and January, arriving via sleigh, donkey or by boat from Spain.    

Dear Maija, I’m in a fantasy baseball league with a coworker and a bunch of his weird family members and their friends. Last year my buddy won a football league that most of these same dudes were in and nobody paid him the league fees.  

Dear Maija, I went to the city’s bike planning meeting last week, and I was really excited about the possibility of Cincinnati giving me a chance to ride to work without having a Biggie-sized Coke thrown against my back every day.  

Dear Maija, I recently started drinking Hudy Delight because I think it's really novel to drink beer that was made in Cincinnati. I also think it's great that Burger is back in production even though it tastes like it has nickels in it. Anyway, I'm a little bit disappointed in Hudy after seeing their latest commercial.  

Dear Maija, A couple of my bros got a hold of a state-used ID printing machine and are about to make mass money selling fakes to other kids at UC. Would you judge me if I got my Cancun money doing this?  

I find it completely unfair how the media treats our celebrities, and since you’re in the media I have a little question to ask you: Shut up, I’m not even going to ask you a question. You’re just going to talk more shit about Kanye acting like a dick or David Hasselhoff getting wasted.  

Dear Maija, So I was at the Reds game the other night and this 50-year-old lady sitting in front of me bent over to pick up a deshelled peanut from the ground. When she did this it showed off her lace thong. She then proceeded to eat the peanut that had just been sitting on the ground.  

Dear Maija, I'm homeless, but I've been working really hard on trying to get my life back together. (I used to play a trumpet outside of sporting events but some kids stole it one night after the Reds lost.) Lately I've been writing a lot, but I can't get my work published in the local homeless newspaper because all they seem to write about is how offensive you are.  

Dear Maija, I am seriously afraid of monsters. I hate scary movies, Halloween and freaky looking people. Well, the other day I went to my friend's house to watch reruns of 'Sex and the City,' and she turned on this crazy new show about vampires and, like, five minutes into it there was full-on sex!  

Dear Maija: Seriously. What's the truth about butt hair? Crack hair, I mean. Is it OK? Must I rid myself of it? Does anyone notice? Is it a thing? — Furry Female in Fairfield  

Dear Intern, I recently started a new, professional job in an office building where everyone works in open cubicles, and sometimes while I’m talking customers on the phone I write my thoughts about them on a piece of paper. Things like, “Your voice is going to give me a brain aneurysm,” or “I’m sleeping with your husband” are often surrounded by drawings of people dying in different ways.  

Dear Maija, I'm writing to you regarding my neighbor and his goddamn dog. I work really hard to keep my lawn looking nice so my friends who are renters get jealous. But this dog — some kind of pug/bulldog freak mix — goes straight to my greenest grass every time it has to take a poo.  

Dear Maija, I'm a 61-year-old woman who only uses the Internet to watch John Matarese's helpful stories about that Spongebob show (he isn't one of those gays, is he?), but some of the others ('Monsters, Inc.' and the one with the unionized penguins) are just offensive. Sometimes I think some of these shows shows (and my granddaughter when she talks about birds) are purposely using metaphors that I don't understand.  

I just started dating this guy, and he's really sweet and cute and all that stuff. Problem is, he is very dedicated to his band and making it big in music. It consumes a lot of his free time and he works really, really hard at it, which is fine. The issue is I HATE HIS BAND.  

Dear Maija, I am a 30-year-old man with a decent job (almost six figures) and I’m interested in a woman at work. She’s about my age (maybe just a bit younger!) and we have a great work relationship. The thing is, this other dude just got run right out of the company for slapping a different woman on the ass after giving her some instructions.