by Jac Kern
06.16.2011
Cincinnati's Next Top Baby
The Cincinnati Health Department recently released a list of the most popular baby names of 2010. We live in Cincinnati, so there's enough average people to balance out all the Braidans and Jakilynns (read: smooshing two names together or purposely misspelling a name isn't being creative, folks) which means there aren't any big surprises on this list. It just means that in 2020, fourth grade classes everywhere will have Ava S., Ava B. and Ava M. instead of Ashley R., Ashley T. and Ashley O. like when I was a kid.
Besides being mildly interesting, what's the point of a list like this? To point out the least creative parents in the city? To give really dumb preggo people a basis for naming their offspring? Either way, If you're walking around and you hear a little human crying, its name is probably…
WILLIAM
The most popular name for baby boys in Cincinnati was a pretty classic one. If names dictate a person's life, these little dudes will grow up to have giant teeth, front a really shitty Hip Hop group or be a general badass sax player:
Or, if that screaming spawn is wearing pink...
OLIVIA
Olivia, the #1 baby girl name in Cincinnati, is alright. According to my research (15 seconds on Google), there are a lot of hot hoes by the name, but Olivia Newton John (pre-scary face) is the best of them all. Hopefully these babies will take after her, with a penchant for headbands and first words being "Xanadu."
On their own, the second place names appear to be perfectly normal. Who could have anything mean to say about...
JACOB AND ISABELLA
That's right, fucking Twilight. I can only assume that the increasing amount of teen moms out there are contributing to this fuckery (Thanks a lot, MTV!). There once was a time when I heard the name Jacob and immediately thought of the most perfect man of my John Hughes-inspired dreams...
Jake Ryan.
Isabella is a cute name, too. It has the potential of many 'breves. Izzy. Ella. Sabel? I don't know, but when little Isabella and tiny Jacob have their first kiss on the playground, "Twihards" around the world will feel a sense of glorious satisfaction that I just can't deal with.
The rest of the names are pretty uninteresting, so here's a quick list complete with what people (myself and Google) will probably associate with them:
NOAH
Obviously because the nearby Creation Museum is building a to-scale (WHAT SCALE?) ark
AVA
Would still be cool if it wasn't on this list
MICHAEL
Never forget.
EMMA
Hermione Granger
ETHAN
Boring interior design
SOPHIA
My arch-enemy. Stereotypes are hilarious!
BENJAMIN
All about the Benjamin...Buttons
MADISON
Holly Madison, Dolly Madison - They're both full of fake stuff, but probably preserved for all of time.
Go here to read more boring names.
by Hannah McCartney
05.02.2012
Zoo Babies Are Here!
Annual spring cuteness sesh begins this week
May is an awesome month for so many reasons. It's Bike Month, the sun's out, the mangoes are getting better and sundresses are officially acceptable attire.
Most importantly, perhaps, the whole month of May is "Zoo Babies" month at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden. And as much fun as it is to unproductively scroll through photos of cute fuzzy things at your computer before you start your day at work, there's something so, so much better about seeing them in person.
The Zoo Babies exhibit runs until May 31. Looking for the babies? Follow the six-foot-tall pink and blue stork statues around the zoo.
A sample of some of the most coo-worthy babies to see this month:
- Bogart, the baby Bactrian camel — the zoo's first camel birth in about 30 years.
- HEDGEHOG BABIES
- Two baby wallabies
- Three miniature Juliana pigs
- twin Stellar sea eagles
It's a bit harder to get excited about anything unfuzzy, including the "baby" Australian walking sticks, Malayan Leaf katydids, Emperor scorpions, Giant Spiny Leaf Insects, East African Whip scorpions or the Hissing Cockroaches. But it's worth a try. Click here for a complete list of the babies part of this year's 26th annual Zoo Babies exhibit. Please? Bogart is begging you.
Need to plan a visit to the zoo? Click here for details.
Most importantly, perhaps, the whole month of May is "Zoo Babies" month at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden. And as much fun as it is to unproductively scroll through photos of cute fuzzy things at your computer before you start your day at work, there's something so, so much better about seeing them in person.
The Zoo Babies exhibit runs until May 31. Looking for the babies? Follow the six-foot-tall pink and blue stork statues around the zoo.
A sample of some of the most coo-worthy babies to see this month:
- Bogart, the baby Bactrian camel — the zoo's first camel birth in about 30 years.
- HEDGEHOG BABIES
- Two baby wallabies
- Three miniature Juliana pigs
- twin Stellar sea eagles
It's a bit harder to get excited about anything unfuzzy, including the "baby" Australian walking sticks, Malayan Leaf katydids, Emperor scorpions, Giant Spiny Leaf Insects, East African Whip scorpions or the Hissing Cockroaches. But it's worth a try. Click here for a complete list of the babies part of this year's 26th annual Zoo Babies exhibit. Please? Bogart is begging you.
Bogart, the new Bactrian camel
Photo: The Cincinnati Zoo
by Eli Johnson
09.16.2011
Music, Movies and the Not So Mundane
Charlie Sheen has proudly taken all of our money after watching his public meltdown, shitty comic routines and buying his stupid T-shirts.
Sheen on Thursday told Jay Leno that he was actually "losing" during his breakdown and that he "thought I could come back … kind of like you did." Sheen says that he has no grudge against the producers of Two and a Half Menand that "I'd have fired my ass, too." He even said that if he were to meet new member of the cast Ashton Kutcher, he'd "just give him a hug and say, 'Make me proud, dude.' "
by Eli Johnson
10.11.2011
Music, Movies and the Not So Mundane
Hip-hop media mogul/self-help author Russell Simmons and rapper/narcissist Kanye West showed up at Occupy Wall Street yesterday. The two were mobbed and eventually OkayAfrica put a camera in their faces. Like Don King before a big prize fight, Simmons did all the talking for Yeezy, who just stared into space like a dope and nodded.
Watch the girl's facial expression over Yeezy's left shoulder as Simmons says, "[Kanye] wants to give power back to the people." She's all like, "Srsly?"
