A Parisian bridge covered in padlocks was featured on two reality shows in the last week or so — Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Kourtney and Kim Take Miami (1. Don’t judge me. 2. Isn’t it weird that both shows ventured outside their titular cities to the same destination?). Kyle and Mauricio (RHOBH) and Kourtney and Scott (KKTM) visited the Pont des Arts in their respective (but not respected!) shows to take part in what appeared to be a romantic tradition of signing a lock, attaching it to the bridge’s chain-link structure and tossing the key into the Seine below. Ah, c’est l’amour!

I had never heard of this tradition, but I've never been to Paris, so what does my uncultured ass know? Apparently this is just another annoying tourist attraction trampling over French culture. What started as a private, inconspicuous act of love done at night has become nothing more than a photo op that is starting to endanger Parisian architecture.

                                                                                             Américains stupides!

Good news: a Machete sequel is coming this summer! Bad news: my arch nemesis Sofia Vergara is in it and it looks like she took Katy Perry’s discarded firework-shootin’ boobs and souped ‘em up.

This has not been a good year for Saturday Night Live. Kristen Wiig, arguably the show’s strongest player, stepped down after last season along with the awesome Andy Samberg. The non-topical skits have been just off ever since and even hyped-up hosts like Jennifer Lawrence and Christoph Waltz fell flat. But this 38th season just may have been saved by Justin Timberlake’s recent episode.

From the throwback skits (JT’s now-famous food mascot and the “Dick in a Box” bit with Samberg) to his performances (Jay-Z made an appearance during “Suit and Tie!”), the entire episode was wholly entertaining. I’m going to stop blaming the writers now and assume Justin agreed to host for the fifth time in exchange for every good skit idea for an entire season, plus at least five cameos. The monologue featured a skit about the Five-Timers Club — an exclusive group of guests that have hosted at least five times. Paul Simon, Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd (he’s only a bartender because he actually has only hosted once), Martin Short (just a waiter; only hosted three times), Alec Baldwin, Candice Bergen, Tom Hanks and Chevy Chase all swung by. Did you want a ‘Wild and Crazy Guys’ reprise? Done. How about a Three Amigos reunion? Got it. Go

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In what can best be described as #whitepeopleproblems, Will Smith inadvertently caused a county-wide school lockdown last week in Ambridge, Pa. An area high school was organizing a Fresh Prince of Bel Air themed dance (whatever that means) so, naturally, some students were getting really into it — 19-year-old Travis Clawson even changed his voicemail recording to his own cover of the iconic theme song. Unfortunately, an local office receptionist was not in on the joke.

The woman did not understand the voicemail recording when she called Clawson to confirm an appointment (it has not been confirmed whether or not this woman was in a coma from 1990-1996, but that is really the only justifiable excuse for not knowing that tune). At some point during the recording, perhaps when she heard “shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school,” the woman was worried there had been a school shooting (“shootin’ some peo-ple outside of the school?”) and called the police, who issued a lockdown at that high school and all other schools in the county. Of course, it was soon discovered that their was no incident and everyone was cleared. But it just goes to show you...

                                                 Parents Receptionists Just Don't Understand

As Eminem so eloquently said, Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell his records, but what’s considered a cuss word these days? Ask Lil Poopy. This 9-year-old Boston native raps about lots of stuff kids like, such as money, fine foods and coke. Yeah, Lil Poopy calls himself a coke boy (he also calls himself Lil Poopy), but, according to the “Pop That Remix” lyrics, “Coke ain’t a bad word, Coca Cola/Coke ain’t a bad word, it’s only soda.”

Vice featured the tiny rapper in January, but Poopy’s making news again now as his father is being investigated by family services. (Thanks, Amberly!)

Did you know Chipotle has a secret menu? The next time you’re in the Mexican fast food mecca, try ordering a Quesarito. You know, if you could use a spare 1500 calories.

                                                    Bask in its cheesy, caloric glory!

Cruises can’t seem to catch a break these days, and I’m not talking about Tom’s quest for a new robot bride. Ever since that Carnival Cruise became a gigantic floating overflowing toilet last month, people are not really into vacationing by boat. Partly because of this, CityBeat now has to find a new annual team-building event because the Mark McGrath & Friends Cruise has been cancelled.

SPOILER ALERT, maybe: American Horror Story rumor time! Fans of the show have been theorizing the next season’s theme since co-creator Ryan Murphy announced there were clues about the next season throughout Asylum. Many of the actors from both previous seasons will be returning, including Jessica Lange, Evan Peters, Lily Rabe, Taissa Farmiga, Sarah Paulson and Frances Conroy. The third season’s theme, which changes with installment, still remains a mystery.

Here’s what we know: Set to premiere in October, this season will jump around time periods, but will primarily stay in the present. It will take place in a setting where “true horror has happened” (three locations, apparently). “Evil glamour” will be a theme and Murphy has said it will be a more humorous season and he hopes to include a Romeo and Juliet-like romance, similar to the relationship between Tate (Peters) and Violet (Farmiga) in Season One. After scrutinizing the last season for clues, hearing songs like “Love Potion No. 9” and “I Put a Spell on You,” my watch-group and I were hoping for a voodoo storyline taking place in the swampy south, like New Orleans. But the Internet by and large agreed the next season would be devoted to witches (not necessarily throwing out our wish — voodoo is practiced by witch doctors). And when it was announced that Kathy Bates would be joining the season (breathe, breathe, breathe), the witch theory seemed perfect. Can you imagine Bates and Lange as two badass mystic bitches?! AHS alum Dylan McDermott thinks so! According to the actor, who played Ben in the inaugural season and Johnny “Son of Bloody Face” in No. 2, the next chapter will follow the Salem Witch Trials. SQUEE!

Because everyone loves lists, Complex counts down the funniest comedies of all time, from The Three Stooges to 30 Rock.

Hey, ever wondered how many people were killed off in Quentin Tarantino movies, and how they bit the dust? Miramax got you.