The hurricane-meets-nor’easter was revving up Sunday but meteorologist and (way too) frequent IJCGE reference Lindsay Lohan just wanted everyone to calm the hell down.

I mean, hasn’t anyone else read The Secret? Don’t you people know the power of positive thought?

Twitter became a useful source of photos and updates, as it often does in times of crisis, but unfortunately many of the messages and images tweeted were false or doctored (as they often are in times of crisis). Go here to check out some incredible popular images (and find out if they're real or fake).

At this point you’re probably wondering when beloved superstar Coco is going to weigh in on the storm. Don’t worry, Mrs. Ice-T reported live from their New Jersey home:

While Hurricane Sandy was ruining homes and shutting down electricity, the creators of The Jersey Shore continued their own assault on America. With the MTV hit ending after this season (not to mention the destruction of Snookie and Co.’s stomping grounds, the iconic boardwalk at Seaside Heights) 496 Productions has reportedly set its sights on Bengals cheerleader and teen-banger Sarah Jones for a new reality series. Cameras will follow the 27-year-old former teacher and her relationship with the now 18-year-old Cody York. Jones began an affair with York when he was a 17-year-old student at the high school where she taught.

So, for the record, the woman cheated on her husband with an underage student and not only does she not get jail time or have to register as a sex offender, she will actually profit from it. Yes, I will obviously be watching this show.

Since it is Halloween, check out these pics of the best Canadian bitch move in history, aka Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley and his girlfriend dressed as D’s ex, Avril Lavigne, and her current piece, Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger. (Most vomit-inducing sentence ever?)

OK, enough destruction and anguish for one day. Enjoy this video of a pug hopping up stairs.

If staged dance performances weren’t what you had in mind, think again. While not necessarily Halloween-related, Cincinnati Ballet’s ALICE (in Wonderland) will take audiences on a whimsical journey down the rabbit hole Friday-Sunday. In addition to talented dancers and music by the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra, the costume and set designs are truly freaky-fabulous.

For a darker dance experience, check out Exhale Dance Tribe’s one-night engagement, Dead Can Dance. The troupe has transformed Emery Theatre into a haunted house, where dancers will lead spectators from room to room, creating an interactive, spooky show Saturday night. The performance begins at 7 p.m.

After a month of bringing photography to the forefront of the Cincinnati art scene, FotoFocus will close with Saturday’s Carnevil. The event boasts a full bill of entertainment from live music and DJs to improv and burlesque to fortune-tellers. Guests are encouraged to explore the venue, Newport’s Thompson House — which is said to be haunted — and hunt for spirits from Southgate’s past. Find tickets and event details here.

What’s creepier than three identical mute men, covered in paint? Blue Man Group wraps up its local run with performances at the Aronoff Center Friday-Sunday. The show is an energetic spectacle that theater critic Rick Pender describes as “a strange and wonderful communal experience.” Go here to read our full review.

Judging by the number of Halloween bar and club events, alcohol is the “candy” of choice for many adult trick-or-treaters. So it looks like Arnold’s picked the perfect weekend for The Bourbon Ball. The bar will be stocked with more than 30 top shelf selections, offering specials on Manhattans, Old Fashioneds and other bourbon classics as well as bourbon-infused bites like Bourbon Bacon Strips and Bourbon Sauce Pork. The free event will also have swag bags and live music all night.

Final Saturday means Night Owl Market is back, bringing food trucks and vendors together at the parking lot at Main Street and Central Parkway. In addition to late night eats, NOMers can participate in a costume contest and a flash mob-style “Thriller” dance with Pones Inc. The free fun runs 10 p.m.-3 a.m. Saturday.

One thing that’s definitely scarier than any haunted house or paranormal activity hotspot is breed discrimination. Show some love to dogs that prove no breed is born “vicious” at Bark Bash: Celebrating National Pit Bull Awareness Day. From pit bulls to puggles, all are welcome to romp around Voice of America Park Saturday from 11 a.m.-5 p.m. There will be raffles, vendors, kids activities and appearances from the Ben-Gals and Cincinnati Rollergirls.

Few experiences are more picturesque than spending a fall afternoon perusing Findlay Market. This Sunday the market presents its annual Fall Food Festival, featuring a pie baking contest, cider mulling demo, live music, food tour and more. Come hungry between noon and 4 p.m. Find details here.

Check out ScaryBeat for a full rundown of costume parties, bar events, haunted houses and more happening this weekend through Oct. 31.

In my opinion, costumes are imperative to any good October outing, but a successful ensemble doesn’t have to be complicated. Pulling from pop culture — from favorite movies and TV shows to current events — is a perfect way to find a culturally-relevant costume. (And, speaking of cultures, make sure you don’t select a get-up that mocks one. Racist costumes, much like Daniel Tosh, are way more offensive than clever or funny.)

Dressing like your fave TV characters is always a hit. Most television networks sell costumes coinciding with their top shows online. Pay homage to the first season of American Horror Story by dressing as the Rubberman or sporting the creepy Larry Harvey burn-face mask. FX also offers costumes from Wilfred, Archer and The League. More of a Kenny Powers fan? Get his Miami Mermen look here because, in case you missed it, Powers is coming back fucking soon. Since creating your own costume is almost always preferred, put on your DIY cap and peep inspiration from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and 30 Rock.

Whether you're throwing a Halloweekend party or just want to experience the weekend from your couch, peep this week's Halloween-inspired TV picks here. AMC, Syfy, ABC Family and other networks will be showing marathons of horror classics, family-friendly favorites and everything in between, in addition to new holiday-themed episodes of your favorite shows.

And while there are tons of horror movies in theaters this weekend, Hollywood continues its butchery of all things sacred with the remake of Carrie. It's not in theaters 'til March 2013, but the trailer does look pretty creepy.

Off the screen and onto politics, this being an election year promises plenty of Romney- and Obama-inspired costumes. Expect plenty of down-and-out Big Birds, binders full of women and horses-n-bayonets. Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing Workout Ken 2012, aka a guy dressed as Paul Ryan from his P90XXX Time Magazine photo shoot. Fellas, all you need are some earbuds, a red ball cap, grey T-shirt and some free weights (fake ones if you’re not as ripped as Romney’s running mate.) Make it work!

What’s orange, fiery and generally terrifying? No, not The Great Pumpkin. The Donald! Trump recently dropped his “October Surprise,” an announcement that had bloggers speculating all week. The statement, supposed to be detrimental to the Obama campaign, spurred rumors of everything from Obama’s alleged coke-dealing past to a failing relationship with his wife. But what recently surfaced was even lamer than all of that.

Trump has requested that Obama release his college transcripts as well as his full passport records by 5 p.m. Oct. 31 (there’s the Halloween tie-in!) and he will donate $5 million to any charities of the president’s choosing. So, essentially, more birther bullshit. Yawn. Last time I checked, Trump had about the same amount of political pull as Lindsay Lohan, so I doubt this bears any consequence on the upcoming election, but it would be nice to see Obama stick it to the grotesque ginge and, hence, idiots everywhere, one last time.

The City Flea moves from Washington Park to Northside’s American Can Lofts Saturday with Factory Flea. Shop for all the vintage items, furniture, artwork and other goodies City Flea fans have come to expect in the ground-floor interior space of the American Can building. Food trucks and other vendors will also be on-site outside. The Factory Flea runs 10 a.m.-4 p.m.

If you’re looking for a few good books to curl up with this fall, swing by Duke Energy Convention Center Saturday for Books By The Banks. Bibliophiles of all sorts can meet more than 100 local, regional and national authors, purchase a wide variety of books, sit in on panel sessions and even check out cooking demos. There’s also a kids’ corner for young readers to enjoy storytime, performances and more. Admission is free; find details here.

With Halloween around the corner and The Walking Dead having just premiered, it’s the perfect time for Saturday’s Cincinnati Zombie Walk. Hoards of local undead (well, people in zombie makeup) will meet at The Freedom Center at 7:30 p.m. then split into two routes winding around downtown and meeting back up at Fountain Square, where a free after-party will take place from 9:30-11:30 p.m. The crawl is free, but all are encouraged to bring a canned good or two to donate to the Freestore Foodbank. Donations will be collected at the beginning of the crawl and on Fountain Square.

Cincinnati Open Design Event (CODE) is an inaugural showcase of local style-, consumer- and entertainment-based design. The event kicked off Wednesday and continues Friday and Saturday with panel discussions on each aspect of design, happy hour events and more, all culminating with Saturday’s Freelance Market (11 a.m.-4 p.m.) and the Chaser Finale fashion show (7-10 p.m.) featuring designs by Amy Kirchen, Kristy Nguyen, Jovani and Project Runway’s Althea Harper.

Find more arts, theater and other events happening this weekend here. Looking to get in the Halloween spirit this weekend? Peep this week’s ScaryBeat for haunted house reviews and top picks for seasonal haunts and jaunts around town.

It’s a good time to be a Louie C.K. fan. And probably a good time to be Louie C.K., since in the last year the comedian has nabbed two Emmys, wrapped a successful third season of his FX series and pretty much single-handedly changed the way performers distribute media. Where most performers might ride this wave until it crashes, taking on additional projects and endorsements, C.K. is taking the opportunity to lay low for a bit. The comedian is taking an extended break from the spotlight, putting his show Louie on hiatus until 2014. Yes, it sucks to wait more than a year for a great series, but even his most devoted fans must wipe their tears and acknowledge this smart move. Instead of ordering extra episodes, cranking out more material until he gets so burnt out he pulls a Chappelle, C.K. will be able to take the time to continue producing (directing, writing and starring in) more hilariously dark shows.

Speaking of good shows we have to wait so very long for, here’s a fun Breaking Bad dance jam to get you through ‘til next summer. No spoilers, but I’ll warn you, it’s mighty addictive (heh).

Everyone with an Instagram account and Starbucks latte believes they are a photographer, but most of us leave the real snapping to the pros, knowing better than to fake such a talent. Right? When two real photogs discovered an alarming number of crappy pictures taken by supposed “professionals,” they decided to call these fools out with one message: You Are Not A Photographer.

The highly anticipated film Skyfall hits theaters next month, but Bond fans are already geeking out over the new theme song by Adele:

This is the singer’s first release since her award-winning 2011 album, 21. She’s due to give birth to her first child any day now.

Remember Dane Cook? He was that comedian that was pretty funny for about 15 minutes in 2005 but quickly joined the likes of Nickelback and Ed Hardy enthusiasts in the Douchebag Hall of Fame. Well, Dane Cook’s still around and he still sucks.

Cook was set to star in a new NBC sitcom, Next Caller. Cook played host of a sex and dating-type radio show, “Booty Call,” oddly paired with a new, bubbly female co-host. I know what you’re thinking. When does this television gold hit the airwaves?! Unfortunately, NBC found the final product so dismal, they scrapped the entire series after filming four of six episodes. So, for the record, NBC felt throwing money in the toilet was a better plan than giving Cook screen time. I’ll admit, I gave Cook props for appearing on a second season episode of Louie in which he faced the accusations that he steals jokes (from C.K., in fact). But watch the Next Caller post-mortem trailer and you’ll agree this cancellation was for the best.

Now, to wash away that gritty pockmarked face from your memory, enjoy this story about Ed, the peg-leg pug!

Ed is one of Australia’s first rescue dogs to receive a prosthetic limb. Let this be a reminder to spay and neuter your cats and dogs and support rescue pets over breeders.

It was recently announced that two of my all-time favorite humans will host next year’s Golden Globes. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will take over for Ricky Gervais, who hosted the tribute to film and television for the past three years. I could go on at length about my love for this duo, carefully citing my favorite works (everything they've ever done), but I’ll leave my official endorsement to this: Bitches get stuff done.

As far as politics go, I'm pretty sure all we need to know is there was a debate Monday night and Mitt Romney has binders just chock full of women.

Yes, November is going to be quite an interesting month. Who’s to say what the outcome will be? So many insane characters — how can we keep them all straight? Oh, I’m not talking about the election. I’m referring to the MFing return of R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet Hip Hopera. Trapped capped off with 22 chapters released between 2005-2007. The maestro has composed an additional 20 chapters to be released on IFC on Black Friday, Nov. 23 — a perfect way to spend your holiday eating leftovers. Here’s a peek at the latest, Chapter 23. Take it from R. Kelly, “These next chapters of Trapped in the Closet is gonna be so craaaazy."

Gangnam’s latest incarnation? Mitt Romney Style!

Who’s down for a rousing game of “Steak House or Gay Bar?”

Twitter poet and Kardashian-humper Kanye West stripped us all of our daily affirmation source by deleting all of his previous tweets last week. He has since returned to Twitter, but just to mourn the one-year since Steve Jobs’ death. Riveting stuff.

Vomiting onstage is the new black. Lately, high-profile performers across the globe have proverbially sniffed the milk carton, shrugged and took a sip anyway, all ending up tossing their cookies on stage. Now, if you’re like music editor Mike Breen, watching people experience a retaliating digestive system is disturbing and you'd rather not see that shit. Otherwise, here’s Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber barfing at their recent respective gigs. Thank goodness for HuffPo, who compiled a gallery of “Stars Who’ve Puked During Concerts.”

When Heidi Klum and Seal broke up, I was crushed (mostly because it meant no I’d really never be invited to one of their epic Halloween parties or themed vow renewals). When Amy Poehler and Will Arnett split, I was angry and confused. (Can’t they just laugh it off?!) Well, now I know there’s no such thing as love because after more than 30 years together, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman have separated. Maybe people grow apart after decades together. Perhaps DeVito’s role as Frank on Always Sunny began rubbing off on him. I don’t care — Matilda’s parents were supposed to stay together forever.

Thankfully, Amber Tamblyn and David Cross got hitched this week, giving us all a final shred of hope for humanity. Check out Questlove’s Instagram (the coolest way to peep wedding pics, ever) for photos of the Esty-fied Tommy Hilfiger ad starring Joan of Arcadia and Tobias Fünke.

When he was released last May, Little Joe weighed 1,515 pounds. He was plump and primed for life in the Sunshine State. The zoo followed his progress in Florida on its blog.

A year ago, when the last sighting was reported, Little Joe was hanging out with six other manatees and feeding on hydrilla — manna to manatees. The species — sometimes called seacows — are endangered and the Cincinnati Zoo is a partner in a federal program aimed at preserving and protecting manatees. The zoo says some rescued animals need long-term rehabilitation and are sent to special facilities for care, including the Cincinnati Zoo.  The zoo says its been home to nine manatees, and the majority have been released back into the wild. “While a manatee is with us, it periodically undergoes a medical exam to assess its progress and condition. Once it's healthy, it is prepared for release back into the wild. Accompanied by zookeeper staff, the manatee is transported back to the Florida facility where it gets used to eating natural vegetation and living in saltwater again,” according to the zoo’s 2011 manatee rescue web page.

Slip and Little Joe in happier  days at the Manatee Springs tank at the Cincinnati Zoo.

Walking passed the "Road Closed" signs on Ludlow Avenue and into the StreetScapes and Cliftonfest street festival, I felt as if I stepped back into time and into an old, vibrant European town.

There were more than the usual amount of eccentric local musicians and artists gathered at every corner in the Clifton Gaslight business district this weekend as Clifton celebrated this tenth annual festival. Walking down the block on the gorgeous fall day was a breath of fresh air as I saw familiar faces enjoying the talents of local artists and taking time out of their busy lives to slow down and celebrate their neighborhood.

In celebration of this ancient tradition that was started in 1972 in the Italian village of Grazie di Curtatone, Ludlow and Telford Avenues were closed from Sept. 28-30. The streets were transformed into a canvas for creative artists, a market for local businesses and a stage for talented musicians.