I like to think of myself as a pretty normal person, perfectly capable of interacting with a variety of other humans. I watch bad television and sometimes shop at Wal-Mart, yet I enjoy ethnic food and DIY projects. MFin' renaissance woman. But sometimes, despite a breadth of interests and activities, I cannot deal with people. Enter the Cincinnati Zoo.
This Sunday, instead of burying my head under a pillow until 1 p.m., the boyfriend and I decided to pay a visit to the yearly Zoo Babies attraction. The weather was sunny and warm, and neither of us were hungover - a perfect and rare opportunity to look at little animals.
Nearly anyone can enjoy a trip to the zoo, but I know very well that this type of attraction is particularly appealing to little humans - children. And sometimes children don't know how to walk yet or their biological walking timers shut off and they need assistance, i.e. strollers. I know they're necessary, but some of these devices are more comparable to a slightly smaller Prius. Of course, you have to let kids cut in front of your or you're a total bitch. But, god damnit, I paid $14 to be here and I want to see the manatees, too.
So what are you supposed to do? Wait patiently for the throng of toddlers to peep new baby giraffe, Zuri and then try your damnedest to see past their gooey fingerprints smudging the glass window once it's your turn.
Strollers suck (though they're much more obtrusive at packed festivals - watch out for those bad boys this weekend at The Taste!), but Sunday I found a worse alternative that I thought only existed as a joke in the '90s - baby leashes. I witnessed countless seemingly behaved youngsters strapped in a fuzzy, cuddly, stuffed-animal themed LEASH. How lazy of a parent do you have to be to think the best way to prevent your kid from jumping into the polar bear cave is to attach them to a harness?
However, it's another issue if you're hypoglycemic and hyperactive. A hyper-hypo.
You better believe I gave a big old side-eye to each of these parents. For the love of god, go back to the tricked out, view-obstructing, toe-crushing stroller! Anything is better than a child leash.
Thankfully, dedicated individuals have devoted their time to stop this injustice.
Of course, there's another group of humans that left me mimicking the gorillas:
The I-don't-give-a-fuck crew.
So we're in the Jungle Trails, a peaceful, shaded area with plenty of space and lots of cool creatures. I'm just trying to get a good view of a zebra when I hear a stern, "Excuse me. There is no smoking anywhere in the zoo." Now, this dude was kind of dickish, gettin' up in somebody's bidness while wiping his kid from head to toe with sanitizer. But, holy shit, some bitch was actually smoking a cig by the animals! She quickly extinguished her smoke (possibly into the animal sanctuary - I was trying not to stare) with a raspy "Sah-ree." With that, it was time to escape to the air-conditioned nocturnal animal space.
It was pretty dark and kind of hard to see these critters (hello, nocturnal!) and one particularly grimy child next to me began smacking the window next to me.
"Wake up! Where is it?" he shouted, as a little partner in crime joined him in glass-banging. Half-concerned for the adorable lemur on the other side, half-worried someone might mistake these shit heads as my own offspring, I used my best waitress voice and said, "Hey guys, we shouldn't tap on the glass, OK?" and pointed to the dozens of signs suggesting the same. They continued.
We made our way back outside, to see my most anticipated animals, the bonobos. These apes share 98.7% of DNA with humans and are completely capable of learning many people things, like understanding English and using American Sign Language. (Side note: I'm half-way through Water for Elephants author's latest novel Ape House, in which bonobos play a huge role. It's a great read.) They're sweet.
Once again, I found myself behind a bunch of kids who probably can't pronounce bonobo and probably won't remember seeing them, but I kept my patient pants on. Until grimy kid #1 resurfaced…on the other side of a rope barrier, pounding on the gate. Sure enough, the brat belonged to cig lady who, at this point was enjoying (her fifth?) draft beer.
"C'mon, stop it. You're not supposed to be there," she yawned.
"I wanna see if he'll attack me! I wanna see if he'll attack me!"
This continued for a few minutes. I felt my mouth drop and I turned around to see I wasn't the only one in awe. Anyone who makes me feel like I'd be a competent mother has some serious issues. Maybe child leashes are appropriate in certain situations.
I guess I didn't really learn how to better cope with people, but I did discover this: animals are way cooler than humans, and their babies are cuter.
Editor's Note: We here at the CityBeat editorial staff figured it would be an alright idea to allow one of our summer interns, Bobby Goodwin, to leave his post for a couple days and go out on assignment to fulfill his life's dream of attending the Bonnaroo Music Festival, provided he write a highly detailed chronicle of his misadventures in a series of four blogs. Here's part one of what transpired.
Midgets are adorable. I can’t help it. So imagine my surprise when I went to Lexington last night with You, You’re Awesome for a show at Al’s Bar (Owl’s Bar to Kay Bay Bay) and there were not one, but TWO midgets there! Little people? Whatever you’re supposed to call ‘em, I like ‘em! I like ‘em a lot!
Cookie was an adorable little African American midge in a doo rag and I was immediately endeared. My first real encounter with her was in the bathroom. She went running past me at top short person speed to get to the stall proclaiming: “This one’s an emergency!”
I know that all of you have seen at least one of the 2,000 or so neon posters/flyers plastered around town pleading for the safe return of a missing Shih Tzu named Nui. When the first round of posters went up they had pictures of Nui and a promised reward of $500. Now the reward has gone up to $1,000. So my question is, where did Nui go? Why hasn’t he been returned yet? And why does everyone care?
Most people have probably already heard about the widespread belief that the Rapture will occur sometime tomorrow. It's been reported here, here and by this guy, who says what will happen is God opening up all the graves on Earth and everything in those graves coming up out of the ground, their bodies transforming into spirits and going up to heaven, followed by any believers.
Happy V-Day weekend, fellow debauchitarians! I know a bunch of you fuckers will be engaging in sickeningly warm & fuzzy dinners, couch canoodlin’ and/or deep dickin’ with your nearest & dearest, but for the rest o’ us single (we. are. not. pathetic.) folk there’s good shit going down on both Friday and Saturday nights at several o’ our fav local imbibin’ stations. Not to mention, apparently Valentine’s Day is one o’ the easiest holidays upon which to get laid, for all o’ the obvious reasons.
Mac's Pizza Pub is the greatest bar on earth. I seriously can't get enough of it. When it first opened and no one really went there, it was great. Now that there are a ton of college kids in there, it's still great. The drinks are whatever. No better or cheaper than anywhere else, but they do have Strongbow on tap, which is crisp and delicious. And the food is actually not bad.
It is important to note that despite various website mentions, this is decidedly not “hipster” (except maybe the dancing Jews, that might be some kind of underground art trend). The song is a 2010 hit Pop song by “Hawaiian Elvis” Bruno Mars. A similar performance can be seen on this very popular television show. Nonetheless, it is really damn cute. I dare you to not get misty-eyed.
It might not be everyone’s dream proposal, but it’s such a representative 2012 slice of life: popular music, Glee-esque dancing, technology (Skype, YouTube). Just imagine their first dance as husband and wife…
School lunches usually suck. Although over the years many schools have committed to serving healthier, more substantial meals, the thought of cafeterias conjures up memories of greasy sloppy joes, canned fruit and square pizza. Most kids don’t mind it — who didn’t look forward to grilled cheese day? Kids aren’t concerned with nutritious content. Kids who aren’t Martha Payne, that is. GOOD shared the blog of this 9-year-old Scottish girl who became fed up with her inadequate school lunches. Under the careful supervision of her Dad, Payne created NeverSeconds, a blog of her daily school lunch with ratings (which adorably calculate number of mouthfuls and pieces of hair in every meal). The blog hasn’t even been up for two months and Payne is already getting recognition from the likes of school lunch champion Jamie Oliver. Payne, under the moniker Veg (as in Veritas Ex Gustu, which is Latin for Truth in Tasting), also invites children from around the world to send in photos and analyses of their healthy or sub-par school meals. What a cool little chick.
Anchorman 2 is really coming.
had a pretty busy couple weeks. He launched Facebook in the stock market, updated his relationship status
and married a girl that did not
dump him in The Social Network, honeymooned in Italy and
everyone’s pissed about all of it.
Did anyone else nearly run their car off the road when they hear what sounds like Morgan Freeman’s sweet, heavenly voice on a … library commercial?