America is the type of place where people don’t read. It’s also where few people question the logic behind heeding the stone-calendar-based prophetic warnings of an ancient people whose neighbors thought the Spanish invaders on horseback were gods and not human beings.    

THURSDAY DEC. 6: Cincinnatians often offend local sensibilities when they travel to coastal states by calling soda “pop” and refusing to let anyone off the hook if they profess to not thinking chili spaghetti is better than cold-water lobster tail.  

WEDNESDAY NOV. 28 Whether it’s London, England or London, Ky., people tend to get pissed off when they find out their children have been banned from one day entering the pearly gates of heaven.  

SATURDAY NOV. 24: The best way to increase public safety is to get things that imperil it off the street … and then auction them off to the public so they’ll be back on the streets. That’s the bulletproof rationale the Kentucky State Police are employing by selling confiscated firearms to gun dealers.   

MONDAY NOV. 19: Justin Bieber won artist of the year at the AMA awards last night, leading readers of things everywhere to become less jaded by all the publications that run “Signs of the Apocalypse” blurbs within them.  

FRIDAY NOV. 9: Fox 19 news anchor Tricia Macke today extended a forced apology to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow for writing that Maddow “is such an angry young man” on her personal Facebook page last month.  

WEDNESDAY OCT. 31: Space jumper Felix Baumgartner discouraged American leaders from funding exploration to Mars during a recent interview. According to Baumgartner, the red planet probably sucks and the money that would be used on such trips in the future would be better invested on the planet we presently live on.  

TUESDAY OCT. 23: Like Galileo, Christina Aguilera’s recent bomb of an album, Bionic, was “ahead of its time” ... at least according Aguilera.   

 
THURSDAY OCT. 11: The Reds today became the first team in National League history to blow a 2-0 lead in a five-game Division Series. This latest painful postseason exit for a Cincinnati sports team caused more chafing than others because of how well the Reds played during the regular season, and for the first time in like 20 years local sports fans thought their team had a legitimate shot at winning a title.  

MONDAY OCT. 8: Pizza Hut will give an audience member at next week’s presidential debate at Hofstra University free pizza for life if they exploit the town hall format of it and ask one of the candidates if they prefer sausage or pepperoni as a topping during the debate.