by Jac Kern
Jac's roundup of pop culture news and Internet findings
convinced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Will and Kate, rarely have physical contact and imagining their sexy
times is like picturing two pieces of notebook paper laying on a desk, I think it’s
safe to say Queen Elizabeth’s turkey baster procedure was a success, cause Royal
Baby Watch is upon us!
Duchess Kate was
hospitalized last week for Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is pretty much a fancy way of
saying “bad baby morning barfs.” My professional opinion is that her tiny
12-year-old boy body has gone into shock now that it requires more than its
usual daily dose of three saltines and a grapefruit. Will and Kate’s baby is
approximately the size of a pea at this point and people are already putting
Kate’s nonexistent stomach under a microscope, asking absurd questions like "Could it be twins?"
And, ever the bastion of journalism, US
Weekly has a timeline of the duchess’ body changes over the past 10 years
See Kate’s shape transform from fettuccine to spaghetti to
spaghetti a la fetus before your eyes!
I’m rarely one to
say “poor princess” and I love a good celebrity pregnancy as much as the next
sad fool, but Kate's gone through more than a year of royal pressure to get knocked up, and now she is, but not even at the standard
pregnancy announcement 3-month mark yet. Let up on her womb, yo!
If Kate was like
us lowly commoners, she’d likely be Instagramming her tiny bump and tweeting
from inside the hospital (Nuthin 2 worry bout, just tummy troubles #preggers).
Call it over-sharing, but most people announce their
monumental life moments on social media. So, thankfully, if you were trying to
recall the major events you experienced this past year, Facebook has gone ahead
and just done it for ya. Just go to your page, click See your 2012 Year in
Review or go to facebook.com/yearinreview/[your Facebook url]. A slideshow of
photos you’ve been tagged in rotates above a list of friends you’ve added and
pages you’ve liked in the past 12 months. Scrolling further down, Facebook has
generated what it believes to be the 20 “biggest moments” from your year,
including status updates, photos and links. I’m assuming those who’ve posted
about starting a new job, getting engaged/married, moving to a new city or
having a baby — royal or otherwise — would see those types of announcements
highlighted, but for losers like me that just incessantly post pointless crap,
this feature is pretty damn funny.3/20 "biggest moments" of my year include fictional characters and alcohol.
Social media is
more than just a place to show off how great your life is to all your lame high
school friends #thankful. It’s also a platform to reach out to public figures
and celebrities. And while a member of Smash Mouth probably doesn’t fall into
either category in the year 2012, Jon Hedren became determined to get a
response from the band once Smash Mouth got a verified Twitter account in 2011.
Now, for those who
don’t remember, Smash Mouth was a San Jose-based Pop/Rock band that provided
songs for every major movie trailer and/or film credits in the late ‘90s-early
‘00s (Mystery Men, Shrek, Rat Race, Inspector Gadget —
and that’s just “All Star”). They also mastered the art of the pencil-thin chin
Holy shit, it’s
multiple silly messages to the band, but the one stood out:
After hundreds of
retweets, the dumb challenge turned into a pledge to raise money for charity —
all if lead singer Steve Harwell would eat a giant plate of eggs. Weeks later,
a San Jose music venue promoter reached out to Jon after talking the challenge
over with Harwell. More than $100,000 was raised for St. Jude’s and the Smash
Mouth dude agreed to scarf some eggs at the nearby opening of a Guy Feiri
restaurant. Best team-up ever, right? As Jon describes in his Vice story, “Guy and Steve were supposedly
old friends and not actually the same man, despite the exact same fashion sense
and divorced dad aura.”
Go here to read
the full first-hand account of how this guy got the Smash Mouth guy to accept
an eating challenge.
Everyone knows a
good way for an actor to clinch an Oscar nom is by dropping or gaining a ton of
weight. By those standards, the stars of Dallas
Buyer’s Club, due in theaters in 2013, should be racking up the awards next year
because they’re giving a new name to manorexia. Matthew McConaughey, who plays Ron
Woodruff — a Texan who contracted HIV in the ‘80s — has been
photographed in various stages of emaciation
over the past few months (a stark contrast to his recent beefy Magic Mike look).
And Jared Leto, portraying a transgendered woman with AIDS, recently posed for
photographer Terry Richardson’s camera. I mean, way to commit to your craft but dude is cartoon skinny — like, he
disappears when he turns to the side.
In Beyonce news,
which should always be its own category, Mrs. Jay-Z is set to perform the
halftime show at Super Bowl XLVII, she just signed a major deal with Pepsi and
has directed, produced and starred in her own documentary, premiering on HBO
Feb. 16. Sounds like 2013 will be the year of the Bey.
if you attempted multiple times to pause exactly on the shot of what appears to
be Beyonce’s pregnant belly (not that I did…), it looks like she’s finally
putting those fake baby bump conspiracy theories to rest.
in case you missed the biggest news story of the week, a very fashionable
monkey was found in a Toronto Ikea, becoming an instant Internet celebrity.
Darwin is a domesticated macaque and has since been taken by
animal control. His owner Yasmin Nakhuda is currently trying to get little Darwin back.