Here we sit at the breakfast table, in the year 20-freakin’-12, and we can’t get a special edition of Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch that actually turns the milk glow-in-the-dark green!  

I've decided to interrupt the column's regularly scheduled concept (i.e., I eat weird food from the grocery store so you don't have to) due to a sense of civic responsibility. With recent developments in the restaurant world, I feel it's more important to throw myself on the grenade of two newsworthy ill-advised fast food inventions than to grab another seemingly inedible item from the supermarket and make fun of it.