If you were to drive north on I-75 toward Monroe during the past year, it’s likely that you noticed something missing along the way: highway expansion projects (check), multiple TGI Fridays locations (yup), anatomically correct horse statue (still there), giant Jesus statue signaling a touchdown in football (dude, where’d it go?!?). That’s because Touchdown Jesus was smote by god last year.  

News is out that the new Touchdown Jesus on I-75, which builders say will definitely be non-flammable this time, will depict the savior standing on water and holding his arms in a position less familiar to people who worship professional athletes more than any god. Pastors say they researched all major sports signals before settling on a design, which was crucial to avoiding any resemblance to the NFL's illegal touching penalty.   

State workers may soon be able to extend their benefits to "live-in" partners. Against the idea is Citizens for Community Values leader Phil Burress, whose official statement on the issue included a disturbing metaphor about the ends of an extension cord not fitting together if each has three dicks.