Since I’m convinced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Will and Kate, rarely have physical contact and imagining their sexy times is like picturing two pieces of notebook paper laying on a desk, I think it’s safe to say Queen Elizabeth’s turkey baster procedure was a success, cause Royal Baby Watch is upon us! Duchess Kate was hospitalized last week for Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is pretty much a fancy way of saying “bad baby morning barfs.” My professional opinion is that her tiny 12-year-old boy body has gone into shock now that it requires more than its usual daily dose of three saltines and a grapefruit. Will and Kate’s baby is approximately the size of a pea at this point and people are already putting Kate’s nonexistent stomach under a microscope, asking absurd questions like "Could it be twins?" And, ever the bastion of journalism, US Weekly has a timeline of the duchess’ body changes over the past 10 years here. See Kate’s shape transform from fettuccine to spaghetti to spaghetti a la fetus before your eyes! I’m rarely one to say “poor princess” and I love a good celebrity pregnancy as much as the next sad fool, but Kate's gone through more than a year of royal pressure to get knocked up, and now she is, but not even at the standard pregnancy announcement 3-month mark yet. Let up on her womb, yo! If Kate was like us lowly commoners, she’d likely be Instagramming her tiny bump and tweeting from inside the hospital (Nuthin 2 worry bout, just tummy troubles #preggers). Call it over-sharing, but most people announce their monumental life moments on social media. So, thankfully, if you were trying to recall the major events you experienced this past year, Facebook has gone ahead and just done it for ya. Just go to your page, click See your 2012 Year in Review or go to facebook.com/yearinreview/[your Facebook url]. A slideshow of photos you’ve been tagged in rotates above a list of friends you’ve added and pages you’ve liked in the past 12 months. Scrolling further down, Facebook has generated what it believes to be the 20 “biggest moments” from your year, including status updates, photos and links. I’m assuming those who’ve posted about starting a new job, getting engaged/married, moving to a new city or having a baby — royal or otherwise — would see those types of announcements highlighted, but for losers like me that just incessantly post pointless crap, this feature is pretty damn funny.3/20 "biggest moments" of my year include fictional characters and alcohol. Social media is more than just a place to show off how great your life is to all your lame high school friends #thankful. It’s also a platform to reach out to public figures and celebrities. And while a member of Smash Mouth probably doesn’t fall into either category in the year 2012, Jon Hedren became determined to get a response from the band once Smash Mouth got a verified Twitter account in 2011. Now, for those who don’t remember, Smash Mouth was a San Jose-based Pop/Rock band that provided songs for every major movie trailer and/or film credits in the late ‘90s-early ‘00s (Mystery Men, Shrek, Rat Race, Inspector Gadget — and that’s just “All Star”). They also mastered the art of the pencil-thin chin strap. Holy shit, it’s Dane Cook… Jon tweeted multiple silly messages to the band, but the one stood out: After hundreds of retweets, the dumb challenge turned into a pledge to raise money for charity — all if lead singer Steve Harwell would eat a giant plate of eggs. Weeks later, a San Jose music venue promoter reached out to Jon after talking the challenge over with Harwell. More than $100,000 was raised for St. Jude’s and the Smash Mouth dude agreed to scarf some eggs at the nearby opening of a Guy Feiri restaurant. Best team-up ever, right? As Jon describes in his Vice story, “Guy and Steve were supposedly old friends and not actually the same man, despite the exact same fashion sense and divorced dad aura.” Go here to read the full first-hand account of how this guy got the Smash Mouth guy to accept an eating challenge. Everyone knows a good way for an actor to clinch an Oscar nom is by dropping or gaining a ton of weight. By those standards, the stars of Dallas Buyer’s Club, due in theaters in 2013, should be racking up the awards next year because they’re giving a new name to manorexia. Matthew McConaughey, who plays Ron Woodruff — a Texan who contracted HIV in the ‘80s — has been photographed in various stages of emaciation over the past few months (a stark contrast to his recent beefy Magic Mike look). And Jared Leto, portraying a transgendered woman with AIDS, recently posed for photographer Terry Richardson’s camera. I mean, way to commit to your craft but dude is cartoon skinny — like, he disappears when he turns to the side. In Beyonce news, which should always be its own category, Mrs. Jay-Z is set to perform the halftime show at Super Bowl XLVII, she just signed a major deal with Pepsi and has directed, produced and starred in her own documentary, premiering on HBO Feb. 16. Sounds like 2013 will be the year of the Bey. And if you attempted multiple times to pause exactly on the shot of what appears to be Beyonce’s pregnant belly (not that I did…), it looks like she’s finally putting those fake baby bump conspiracy theories to rest. Finally, in case you missed the biggest news story of the week, a very fashionable monkey was found in a Toronto Ikea, becoming an instant Internet celebrity. Darwin is a domesticated macaque and has since been taken by animal control. His owner Yasmin Nakhuda is currently trying to get little Darwin back.

Leaders of the nonprofit Music Hall Revitalization Co. seemed to have compromised last week when the group proposed a 99-year lease of Music Hall as part of a $165 million renovation. But the lease included a clause that would allow the group to acquire the historic building for $1 at the end of the lease or at the end of a second 99-year lease. The permanent sale of the building is what held up the initial plan to turn the renovation over to the nonprofit group, which says its donors will not offer the financial support without the city turning over ownership. Mayor Mark Mallory told The Enquirer that the proposal will not be approved. “I don’t care if it’s 99 years, 198 years, 500 years or 1,000 years, the city should always retain ownership,” Mallory said. “That should never change.” The George W. Bush Presidential Library denied a request by a Democratic super PAC for documents related to Sen. Rob Portman’s work in the George W. Bush administration. The library says it is not subject to the Freedom of Information Act and that all are welcome to see the documents in 2014. The super PAC, American Bridge 21st Century, has been researching GOP candidates as Mitt Romney moves closer to choosing a running mate. “When you look at the roster of V.P. candidates, each of them is significantly flawed,” American Bridge senior adviser Ty Matsdorf said in a statement. “For Portman, it is his calamitous record on fiscal issues while working at the Bush White House. It shouldn’t be a shock that he is going to want to keep that under wraps for as long as possible, but unfortunately it’s pretty hard to hide a record as terrible as that.” CNN is live blogging from the Supreme Court to see if there are any rulings on the health care law or immigration. Gay pride celebrations took place in New York, Chicago and San Francisco over the weekend, and Obama organizers were there to recruit volunteers. Spain formally asked for European aid for its banks. The sea level is rising faster along the Atlantic Coast than other places in the world. Facebook has created a new “find friends nearby” function that will allow users to see friends and people they don’t know who are at events or social gatherings. From some Facebook engineer’s comments on the story: I built Find Friends Nearby with another engineer for a hackathon project. While it was originally called ‘Friendshake’, we settled on ‘Find Friends Nearby’ for launch (the URL was a little bit of a homage to the previous iteration). For me, the ideal use case for this product is the one where when you’re out with a group of people whom you’ve recently met and want to stay in contact with. Facebook search might be effective, or sharing your vanity addresses or business cards, but this tool provides a really easy way to exchange contact information with multiple people with minimal friction. HBO’s The Newsroom premiered last night, and this guy at the Toronto Star said it kind of sucked while the New York Times says CNN could learn something from it.

The ever-debated, never implemented property tax increase will continue to be nonexistent, as will a new police station, playgrounds, some public pools, Music Hall renovations and certain street repavings and building demolitions, according to The Enquirer. Councilwoman Laure Quinlivan will make the deciding vote against City Manager Milton Dohoney’s proposed tax increase, which would add $46 to the owner of a $100,000. Also against disproportionately taxing rich people are Councilmen Chris Seelbach, P.G. Sittenfeld, Christopher Smitherman and Charlie Winburn. Quilivan says the government isn’t the right size and that the government should make the tougher changes before asking for more revenue. Here are two ways to report the latest news regarding potential Duke Energy rate hike connected to streetcar construction: • From The Enquirer:  “Duke customers could face streetcar tab” • From The Business Courier: “Cincinnati, Duke making progress on moving utility lines” A 15-year-old girl was killed in Over-the-Rhine around 11 p.m. last night. She was reportedly standing with a group of people, though Police haven’t released any details about the shooter. A new poll shows support for President Obama’s shift on immigration policy. More Asians are immigrating to the U.S. than Hispanics these days. Adult humans are 16.5 million tons overweight, which researchers say will threaten the world’s food security and environmental resources. Approximately half of all new AIDS cases are occurring in the South, and the region is severely short on HIV specialists. Attorneys for the Penn State football coach who showered with a bunch of boys are starting their defense by painting him in a positive light. Spotify will stop charging $10 per month for use on mobile devices. Free now. Facebook acquires Face.com. Ha. Former baseball player Roger Clemens was acquitted of perjury charges, the latest in a bunch of wasted time by the federal government investigating athletes who can afford really good lawyers.

A local music teacher says Cincinnati Hills Christian Academy offered him a job and then rescinded the offer after asking him if he is gay. Jonathan Zeng says he went through the school's extensive interview process, was offered a position and then called back in for a discussion about religious questions in his application, during which he was asked directly if he is gay. Zeng says he asked why such information was pertinent, and an administrator said it was school policy not to employ teachers who are gay because they work with children and something about the sanctity of marriage. When contacted by local media CHCA released the following statement: CHCA keeps confidential all matters discussed within a candidate's interview. We're looking into this matter, although the initial information we have seen contains inaccuracies. We will not be discussing individual hiring decisions or interviews.Cincinnati's deficit isn't going to get better any time soon, according to a new report. The Reds drafted high school pitcher Nick Travieso in the first round of the MLB draft on Monday. Here's a rundown of their other picks Monday and Tuesday. Senate Republicans yesterday blocked a Democratic bill calling for equal pay in the workplace, and the Dems are going to stick it in their faces during this year's campaigns. From the AP: As expected, the pay equity bill failed along party lines, 52-47, short of the required 60-vote threshold. But for majority Democrats, passage wasn't the only point. The debate itself was aimed at putting Republicans on the defensive on yet another women's issue, this one overtly economic after a government report showing slower-than-expected job growth. "It is incredibly disappointing that in this make-or-break moment for the middle class, Senate Republicans put partisan politics ahead of American women and their families," Obama said in a statement after the vote. "Even Mitt Romney has refused to publicly oppose this legislation," added Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "He should show some leadership." The Washington Post wonders whether Mitt Romney can use Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker's template for surviving a recall election to try to win the presidency. It involves “big money, powerful organization and enormous enthusiasm among his base.” Exit polls in the state suggest Obama is ahead, however. China wants foreign embassies to stop releasing reports and Tweeting about its poor air quality. Gonorrhea growing resistant to antibiotics? Rut roh. Dinosaurs apparently weighed less than scientists previously thought. Adjust paper-mache Brontosaurus as necessary. Facebook is considering letting kids younger than 13 use the site. The Boston Celtics took a 3-2 series lead over the Miami Heat on Tuesday and could send Bron Bron and Co. back home on Thursday.

Ohio Treasurer Josh Mandel has already had a rough week, having to give back more than $100,000 in campaign contributions in response to an FBI investigation. Today The Cleveland Plain Dealer's Politifact website looked into one of the five claims made in Mandel's new 30-second TV ad, and it seems to be pretty false. Mandel claims that his opponent, Democratic Sen. Sherrod Brown, “cast the deciding vote on the government takeover of health care." Politifact notes that since the health care overhaul passed by the minimum 60 votes necessary, that every vote was technically “deciding.” But, on the other hand, Brown was an early supporter of the legislation, and it is widely known that Ben Nelson of Nebraska was the final “yes” vote to join. Plus, technically, Brown was the seventh person to vote because it was taken in alphabetical order. Ohio public schools have received a waiver for parts of No Child Left Behind that will remove a requirement to get all of their students proficient in math and reading by 2014. Nineteen states have received the waiver, meaning they'll have to create their own federally approved academic progress standards. Covington leaders are expecting staff reductions as part of balancing the 2012-13 budget to cover $1.5 million that was left out. The city is facing $1.6 million in cuts to public-safety services and about $700,000 across other departments. Mitt Romney officially won the Republican presidential nomination yesterday, but no one's talking about it because all the stories involve Donald Trump and the fact that his iPhone app misspelled “America.” Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has two weeks to offer arguments against extradition to Sweden after a U.K. supreme court ruling. The makers of Blackberry are considering how to remake their products into something people will actually want again. Facebook's public offering drama has caused experts to ask questions such as, “should investors see the wretched performance of Facebook’s IPO as any sort of signal about the likely future direction of the overall stock market and the economy?” While the rest of us were living our lives, two asteroids zipped past the earth early this week. Don't worry — they were small.