TUESDAY MARCH 26: Former presidential candidate and regular source of quotes that sound way too dumb to be true Rep. Michele Bachmann today learned that her campaign is under investigation by an independent ethics panel on Capitol Hill.  

WEDNESDAY MARCH 13: WWE! readers might be surprised to learn that those of us whose jobs necessitate following real news are, in general, quite terrified of the future. For every pop culture or sports story we actually care about, there are dozens of stories about things like nuclear weapons, environmental catastrophes and murderers who act nice before they kill people.   

THURSDAY MARCH 7: The American thing to do is buy an even bigger and more expensive TV than the one you already have even though it works just fine. Fountain Square, located in America, will soon follow this cultural imperative.  

SUNDAY FEB. 17: Today marks the 50th birthday of basketball star and cultural icon, His Airness, Michael Jordan. As one of the most exciting and dominant athletes ever, Jordan won titles at the collegiate and pro levels, was an All Star like 29 times and notably saved the human race from alien criminals in Space Jam.    

WEDNESDAY FEB. 6 Everyone knows that grocery shopping sucks, but that if you eat out too many times in a row you start wondering if your parents would call you a loser or feel bad for you if th  

TUESDAY FEB. 5: The Boy Scouts of America has decided to realize that a gay guy can play the role of gruff scout leader who probably drinks too much and yells at his kid too often just as well a straight guy.   

WEDNESDAY JAN. 23:  State Board of Education President Debe Terhar has made some folks not so happy. She shared a link on Facebook from some pitiful source who posts things like photos of our president with the caption “Where’s Lee Harvey Oswalt when you need him?” (their misspelling, not ours).    

WEDNESDAY DEC. 26: The Community Recorder today profiled a Florence, Ky., man named Tim Atkins for being an awesome neighbor. People call him “The Mayor of Lloyd Avenue” or “Tim the Tool Man” because of his willingness to help and let people use his tools.   

We at CityBeat have come to terms with the fact that expectations of just about any kind usually end up blighted. In honor of arming you for a story that, in all likelihood, won’t be nearly as glitzy as you may envision, we’ve gathered anecdotes from CityBeat staffers that make for a collection of nontraditional holiday testimonials that are sometimes lame, sometimes nerdy and, in general, pretty anticlimactic.   

FRIDAY DEC. 14: The Enquirer recently published a six-part series on Barbara Joly, better known as the “Granny Robber.” Joly is currently doing prison time for robbing banks back in 2008 to support her adult son.