Andy Kennedy, were you hanging out at the Lodge Bar until 1 a.m. last night? Was your pervy looking “Director of Operations at Mississippi,” 31-year-old William Armstrong, trying to hunch on some rich girls into the wee hours of the night only to get his crackerish ass thrown out of the bar? Did y’all act like dicks to a cab driver?

Last week Bengals owner Mike Brown sat down for a rare interview, obliging Enquirer reporter Mark Curnutte with a few short answers to some very basic questions: Why do the Bengals suck all the time? Where do you go from here? Do you want to try another new coach and see if that works?

Word on the internets suggests that our sports team-supporting mayor is going to publicly recognize the UC Bearcat football team outside City Hall today. From his botched opening day pitch (which was so hilariously poor that it landed him on national talk shows) to his recent vote of confidence in the Cincinnati Bengals, Mayor Mallory is way out of it when it comes to sports.

It happened again. This time it didn’t include cat chasing or yelling in the streets at 3 a.m., but Brian Kelly’s outrageous head coaching decisions yesterday threatened to ruin a perfectly good Friday night, just like they did last Saturday.

Athletes and coaches consistently fill reporters’ notebooks with clichés and figures of speech, politicized and politically correct jargon that means nothing except that he or she respects the fans, the game and the opponent. There are also players and coaches who consistently run their mouths, firing off arguments and declarations that distract their teammates and make them look like jackasses. But for every hundred athletes too nervous to show their personal side or too conservative to speak out on controversial subjects or too stupid to shut up once in a while, there are players and coaches who are freaking hilarious and make athletes seem like real people instead of cliché robots and jocks.

You know what sucks? Dayton. You know what doesn’t suck? Freaky-looking cats. Here are a few shots from The Dayton Cat Fanciers' 52nd annual cat show:

I spent part of Saturday night lying in my front yard, refusing to come inside the apartment until I found a cat to chase. I was supposed to spend the evening celebrating a big important Bearcat football win, but because of ill-advised strategy and an impressive comeback by West Virginia, my celebratory evening turned into a terrified binge.

Not everyone is the type of person who throws pennies in the garbage rather than collecting them in a coffee can, rolling them into groups of 50, bundling them in a plastic bag and taking them to the bank to collect the $5 bounty. Luckily for professional athletes, sports agents aren't this type of person.

In yet another episode of "I'm a Real Person and McCain Is a Phony," Barack Obama yesterday told ESPN's Chris Berman that if he could change one thing about sports that it would be to eliminate the current college football championship format in favor of an eight-team playoff. The exchange was a pre-taped segment that aired during halftime of Monday Night Football. McCain was asked the same question, and his response was that he would do everything he can to eliminate performance enhancing drugs because they threaten the integrity of the game. What an asshole.

John Fox is a classy guy. His team wins the World Series and all he does is wear a Phillies jersey to work and go about his business. If the Reds won the championship and I lived in Philly, I'd be getting in everyone's face and yelling "Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!"