BY DANNY CROSS

Inappropriate

WEDNESDAY AUG. 27
Administrators at Monroe High School have decided that short skirts and accidental flashes of underwear are not good for learning, and they've banned cheerleaders from wearing their peppy uniforms to school in accordance. The Enquirer today reported the ban's backlash, as many parents have already paid as much as $400 for the classic cheerleader outfits of slit-sided mini skirts, matching tops and a sweater or jacket with a giant "M" on it. Administrators say the uniforms can no longer be an exception to the 3-inch-above-the-knee rule and that socially-acceptable forms of female objectification are more appropriate at sporting events than at schools anyway.

THURSDAY AUG. 28
Barack Obama gave his much-anticipated presidential nomination speech today and did so without using the words "black" or "African American." Obama, who is biracial but looks mostly black, accepted the nomination on the 45th anniversary of when Martin Luther King Jr., another black man, gave a great speech about racial inequality and why America's phony declarations of freedom and opportunity should be challenged. Political analysts have determined that Obama's deliberate omission of the designations for Americans whose ancestors trace back to Africa are evidence of his continued pandering to white voters, some of whom would only hear the speech on the radio and not know he's black.

FRIDAY AUG. 29
John McCain announced two things to the world today: (1) that he's still a serious political maverick and (2) that a woman named Sarah Palin is the governor of Alaska. McCain's choice of a relatively young woman as his vice presidential running mate has largely been seen as progressive by political analysts, who say that female voters are now faced with a tough ideological decision: whether to vote for the ticket that will allow them to decide what to do with their vaginas or the ticket that includes a person who actually has one. The nomination is also expected to give McCain another advantage with the angriest of the Hillary Clinton supporters, many of whom are scared of Joe Biden because he looks like the kind of guy who would beat a woman.

SATURDAY AUG. 30
George Bush and his friends found a really good excuse for skipping the boring Republican National Convention today, citing a looming natural disaster as reason for doing their jobs instead of going to Minnesota to support John McCain. The AP reported today that with Hurricane Gustav threatening to smash New Orleans again, GW and Dick Cheney aren't going to let the liberal media bring up the shitty way they dealt with it last time. Bush said he'll go to an emergency operation center in either San Antonio or Austin on Sunday but that he wasn't going all the way into the forecasted storm because he recently saw people chasing tornados on the Discovery Channel and it looked scary.

SUNDAY AUG. 31
We at WWE! realize that there's a lot of misery in the world: war in the Middle East, rampant poverty in Africa and repeated seasons of the Bret Michaels reality show in America. But The Enquirer today explained that there's actually a unit of measurement for the misery we feel in this country called the "misery index," a combination of joblessness and inflation representing how sucky the economy and life are on any given day. The mid-1990s saw local misery levels in the low 5s, but about five years ago it got into the 7s and today is at 10.5, representing a suckiness that rivals the 1980s when corporations started heavily outsourcing and there were no cool cars to buy.

MONDAY SEPT. 1
One of the country's largest Internet providers has placed a limit on the amount of Internets its customers can use during a month. The New York Times reported today that Comcast, an American company that helps distract people from their real lives and nature by providing cable TV and Internet service, has capped Internet usage at 250,000 gigabytes per month, which many nerds, recluses and musicians say isn't enough for the growing file sizes of high-def movies and interactive video games. Comcast says it's not trying to create a "pay-as-you-download" situation but that people who get "Cat of the Hour" e-mails probably deserve it.

TUESDAY SEPT. 2
Residents of Mount Washington were excited today for the fake-taping of a new traveling game show, even though it wasn't actually taped and won't be on TV. The ABC show, Opportunity Knocks, is a quiz game that takes place in a family's front yard and embarrasses them by asking stupid personal questions they probably can't answer. Produced by former A-list actor Ashton Kutcher, who made his name by dating older ladies and tricking celebrities into acting like dicks, a real episode of the show will air Sept. 23 between I Hate My Wife Let's Trade and Dancing With People Who Were Formerly Good at Something Else.

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