12 Weird Stories from 2022 That Were ‘So Cincinnati'
Plenty of important things happened in Cincinnati this year, but do you remember the goofy stuff? Really strange shit went down that either made you proud as hell to be from the Queen City or embarrassed AF when your friends asked if the entire city was possessed. Check out some of CityBeat’s favorites below.
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Creepy Wolf Statue from Benito Mussolini Stolen from Eden Park
There’s a she-wolf in someone’s
closet. In June, a vandal meticulously cut down and stole the Capitoline Wolf statue, which previously had sat in Eden Park since 1931. The statue — a bronze work depicting a she-wolf nursing two young boys — was a gift from Italian dictator Benito Mussolini. The statue still has not been located, even after the city posted a $50,000 reward for information leading to its return. In August, Cincinnati Parks announced that it would recreate the statue with the help of Italian officials. Read CityBeat’s story about the bizarre heist and find out how much reward money Cincinnati Parks has offered up for the wolf’s safe return.
Illustration: Joseph E. Baker, public domain, U.S. Library of Congress
West Chester Rep. Jennifer Gross Asks Pastor to Banish 'Witchcraft' at Ohio Statehouse
House Rep. Jennifer Gross from West Chester, who previously had a lot of weird takes on COVID-19 and magnets, has shifted her focus to casting “witchcraft” out of the Ohio Statehouse. During a December chamber session, Gross introduced Curtis Hill, an associate pastor at LifeChurch, who proceeded to rally House members against the "dark forces." He then shared a long list of things he wanted to cast out, including "witchcraft" and "perversion." Read CityBeat's story about Hill's fire-and-brimstone "prayer" before a public government session.
Photos: Jesse Fox; Tri-Star Pictures
'Big Johnny' Stands Out as a Testicle-Obsessed Cincinnati City Council Candidate
As council member Reggie Harris sifted through applicants who wanted to be appointed to Greg Landsman's freshly vacated Cincinnati City Council seat, one applicant bulged out but was not seriously considered. Someone who goes by the name of "Big Johnny” had their application dismissed as a joke, but CityBeat was curious about the person who seems to be be pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ, pro-social good and pro-large testicles. Read CityBeat's story about "Big Johnny's" fixation on the Miami Marlins, Bible study, their ex-wife and more.
Photo: Provided by The People's Republic of Chicken Island
New Pirate Island Appears at Confluence of Ohio and Little Miami Rivers
If you're looking for a slice of Margaritaville living, there's no need to make your way to Key West when Cincinnati will do just fine. A new island has popped up at the confluence of the Ohio and Little Miami rivers. Its name? The People's Republic of Chicken Island. The island was formed during the floods that happened early in the year. Is it a real place recognized by any sort of government? Not really, but it does have a mayor. Read CityBeat’s story to meet the population of two on Chicken Island, Nick Motz and Kevin Schmidt.
Photo: Matthew Field CC 2.5
Jizz Trees Are Finally Going Away
The Callery Pear tree has beautiful white flowers, but it also harbors compounds that are derivatives of ammonia, which produces the familiar scent of, well, semen. And if your block has dozens of these things, you know that the air smells like a never-ending orgy. Aside from causing the post-coital smell that blankets the city every spring, the non-native species creates other problems, like crowding out useful trees and damaging local ecosystems. There’s good news, though: Ohio has outlawed buying, selling and planting these things beginning Jan. 1. Read CityBeat’s story for the reason behind the cum-tree ban.
Cincinnati TSA Stops Woman Traveling with Bag Full of Goetta
When Chelsea Cawood Trinidad was flying back home to Tulsa from Cincinnati, she was stopped by security for a strange item in her luggage. Turns out her stash was more delicious than suspicious, as Trinidad stuffed eight packages of Glier's Goetta into her luggage to bring to friends and family. TSA agents at Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport (CVG) were stunned. Read CityBeat’s story to find out what happened to the precious goetta.
Photo: White House Streaming Service
Some Jerk Impersonates Cincinnati Mayor Aftab Pureval on Instagram
For a while this spring, a since-deleted Instagram imposter pretended to be Pureval, using similar photos and posts. The faker even managed to rack up more followers than the mayor’s real account before being removed from the platform sometime this year, but not before DMing followers and causing general confusion. Read CityBeat’s story about the creepy fake account.
Joe Burrow Receives Viral, Loopy Love Letter from NKU Student
“I know he’s got a girlfriend, and I’m happy for him, but I’m not happy for me,” Haven Wolfe says between staggered sobs in a viral video that eventually drew attention from her daydream paramour, Joe Burrow himself. The Northern Kentucky University student had posted the video of her post-wisdom teeth removal in November, racking up thousands of views and shares on social media thanks to her obvious – albeit drugged-up – love for the Bengals’ starting quarterback. Read CityBeat’s story to find out why Burrow thought she was actually calling him ugly.
Photo: U.S. Customs and Border Protection
Cincinnati Gets Pounded with Massive Illicit Erectile Dysfunction Drugs
U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized huge, illegal loads of pills used to treat erectile dysfunction that were coming through the Port of Cincinnati in January. Feds sucked up more than 32,500 Viagra, Cialis and Levitra pills along with 1,050 packets of jellies containing "miracle honey," which features Viagra's active ingredient of sildenafil. The illegal packages originated in China, India, Malaysia and Sudan, and the criminals faced stiff penalties. Read CityBeat’s story to find out where the dick pills were headed.
photo: Vera Arsic, Pexels
Confirmed: Kentucky Is Terrible for Horny Singles
If Ohio is for lovers, Kentucky is for miserable singles. In WalletHub's Best & Worst States for Singles list for 2022, Ohio came in strong at No. 11. Kentucky, on the other hand, proved to be disastrous for dating. The Commonwealth landed at No. 45, almost at the bottom of the list. But, hey, Greater Cincinnati singles can always check out Dayton, Ohio, which was named one of the top-ten horniest cities in 2021. Read CityBeat’s story to also find out where Ohio ranks for sexually transmitted diseases – *pssst* it’s not good.