Recurring Theme: Suckiness

Last week Bengals owner Mike Brown sat down for a rare interview, obliging Enquirer reporter Mark Curnutte with a few short answers to some very basic questions: Why do the Bengals suck all the time? Where do you go from here? Do you want to try another new coach and see if that works? —-

Brown’s answers were all fairly unrealistic and some very insulting, but the most hilarious comment by the old rich guy was that the Bengals lost their best defensive player, Odell Thurman, before the season started. Mike Brown thinks that a guy with one year of experience who has spent the last couple years working manual labor is better than any of his defensive players.

Not only is this an insulting premise for fans to accept, it also puts into perspective the relative values of the three first round draft pics that Brown has chosen on defense the past three years. Time to work harder so you can be as respected by your employer as the guy who is banned from the league!

Furthermore, does this statement not prove that Mike Brown himself is the dumbest of the dumb people associated with the National Football League? Mike! You’re the dickweed that drafted all these guys who are shittier than the guy you shouldn’t have drafted in the second round because everyone knew he was going to get in trouble! You are such a dick!

Anyway, in response to Curnutte’s final question, “Are you going to essentially fire yourself and hire a general manager?” Brown responded: “I call them themes. They (fans and customers) like to talk about different themes when things don’t go well. Part of being in this job, the good side of the coin is it shows the emotional connection the fans have with this football team.”

That’s insane. If Mike Brown wants to use literary references to demonstrate

the sad state of his daddy’s franchise and its relationship with fans, he should look into some of Shakespeare’s comedies for a more accurate comparison. Mike Brown probably has a copy of All’s Well that Ends Well under his fancy desk for reassurance that if one day he can get his Bungles to win the championship that all will be forgotten.

The only problem is that the Internet says nobody really likes that play because it's nearly as tragic as it is humorous and the whole proverb itself is sort of unbelievable. From the Internet: “There is no evidence that All's Well was popular in Shakespeare's own lifetime, and it has remained one of his lesser-known plays ever since, in part due to its odd mixture of fairy tale logic and cynical realism. The final scene in which Bertram suddenly switches from hatred to love in just one line is considered a particular problem for actors trained to admire psychological realism.”

I don’t think Bengals fans are too keen on Mike Brown’s disinterest in psychological realism either.

Image: Mike Brown explaining to Mark Curnutte how scouting works.