White Castle's Guide to the Supreme Court

I’ve been working at Kroger for about six years now. The union, however, will tell you it’s about four because of the frequent absences I take in the name of higher education. (And believe me, this makes a drastic difference in my pay scale.)

In the six (four) years I’ve been at Kroger, I thought that the worst thing that could ever happen to me was having to clean shit off of the walls, floor and seats of the women’s bathroom. Imagine my surprise: Up until this point, I was convinced that girls didn’t poop. But, no, apparently it can get worse.—-

Now what, you might ask, is worse that someone who manages to shit all over and around the pot, while miraculously avoiding spilling anything inside of it? Answer: Someone who manages to shit on the floor in front of the customer service desk.

Miraculously, nobody managed to catch the shitter in the act. If it weren’t for the smell, I wouldn’t even be upset. It takes mad skill to pinch one off in a crowded supermarket without anyone taking notice.

And this wasn’t your run-of-the-bowel, average, viscous, gelatinous shit; this was thin, watery, diarrhea-like excrement, and anyone unfortunate enough to have sampled White Castle™’s Crave Case knows how that smells coming out.

Now, I don’t want to turn this into a race thing, but it had to be a white guy. Because white people have a long history of shitting all over everything. Yeah, I read A People’s History of the United States — so what?

So imagine my surprise when that very same day the Supreme Court handed down a ruling in favor of some white firefighters who were complaining about racial discrimination. The irony was more delicious than a White Castle™ Slider This has to be symbolism at work.

But then, while sitting on the john, I got to thinking hard about it. Maybe these guys were discriminated against. In a majority white fire station, with a test undoubtedly written by a white guy, in a city whose population is mostly white and a government controlled by a majority of white people, not to mention a Supreme Court populated mostly by whiteys, maybe these 18 white guys were discriminated against.

Maybe, somehow, the test givers and the local government got together to conspire to keep whitey down.

And maybe White Castle™ makes a quality burger.