WEDNESDAY MARCH 27
Florence Elementary School’s student body today celebrated the birthday of legendary author and illustrator Dr. Seuss. Kids dressed in costumes to look like characters from the author’s extensive trove of works and took part in “Reading the Most from Coast to Coast,” an event organized by a nationwide Accelerated Reader program.Plenty of attention will be paid to the lifelong lessons which can be gleaned from the philosophy and works of Dr. Seuss. Organizers plan to gloss over the part about how Theodore Seuss Geisel started writing under the name Dr. Seuss after being kicked off of Dartmouth University’s literary magazine for boozing it up during Prohibition and ingeniously avoided being a zombie employee of the corrupt power structure which makes this unjust world function in the merciless way it does.
THURSDAY MARCH 28
It’s been said that our god is an awesome god, and that he reigns from heaven above ... with wisdom, power and love. Judging by Xavier University’s decision to open a 10,000-square-foot indoor golf facility, the man upstairs also realizes the potential damage from UV rays that can occur whilst driving for show and putting for dough. The Francis Xavier Homan Golf Center will be a place for Musketeer golfers to hone their short game and avoid having their skin tones darken like Jesus’s did because of the lack of indoor golf facilities in the Middle East back in the Bible days. In addition to the 3,000-square-foot indoor putting and chipping green, the complex will also feature an executive boardroom and a member’s lounge where Xavier students and alums can congregate to watch colleges who have football teams play on large screen televisions.
FRIDAY MARCH 29
The debate over “angel investors,” also known as rich people who put money into start-up companies and claim state income tax credit for their investment, continued in Northern Kentucky today. Members of the state legislature are pondering the merits of this issue, while admitting that rich angels are crucial when it comes to competing with Ohio businesses. Republicans are in favor of allowing this type of investment and have vowed to keep pushing to allow them until they are permitted. However, they will continue to face stiff resistance from Kentucky Democrats who oppose angel investors regardless of how cute and benevolent they sound.
SATURDAY MARCH 30
A Palestinian man has been found guilty of “libel and slander” and sentenced to six months in prison for clicking “Like” on a Facebook status that criticized a Palestinian Authority official. Another man was recently sentenced to a whole year in prison for sharing a photo which failed to flatter the Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. Human rights groups around the world have decried the imprisonment of human beings for wasting their time on Facebook, but do admit that imprisonment or at least heavy fines should be levied against people stupid enough to think that Bill Gates will give you $5,000 if you share some crappily Photoshopped image of him holding a piece of paper.
SUNDAY MARCH 31
Lego today recalled some products in response to allegations that the products are anti-Islamic. The uproar centers on a Star Wars Jabba the Hutt-themed playset which the Turkish Cultural Association of Austria condemns for looking like the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul. The association stated that because Jabba is a villain it will reinforce negative stereotypes toward Muslims. A spokesperson for Lego apologized for the perceived religious insensitivity and later described how the Star Wars Cantina playsets would be pulled from circulation due to to concerns about how the bar located in “the pirate city” of Mos Eisley on the planet Tatooine was full of violence and racist for not allowing drones to enter.
MONDAY APRIL 1
Today was Opening Day, and everybody was really excited to see the Cincinnati Reds play and start second-guessing every managerial move made by Dusty Baker, so nobody did any work.
TUESDAY APRIL 2
In a move sure to delight moderate Republicans, Ohio tea party activist Tom Zawistowski today announced that he will run for chairman of the Ohio Republican Party. His opponent, Matt Borges, has the backing of pretty much all the important Republicans but hasn’t yet received the support of what The Enquirer describes as “conservative activists.” By focusing his attention on gathering the support of what some consider the lunatic fringe of the Republican party, Zawistowski hopes to win his party’s nomination and help Ohio avoid what he calls the “split among social conservatives, fiscal conservatives and rank and file Republicans that will assure that John Kasich loses his bid to be re-elected as governor in 2014 and risks Ohio becoming a permanent Blue State.” To accomplish this, Zawistowski hopes to convince non-heterosexuals and minorities in the Buckeye State to vote against what is in their best interest and support the tea party.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]