Worst Week Ever! April 8-14

What could earthlings possibly gain from abducting people like Randy Quaid in Independence Day who drink too much and live in the stupid desert?

click to enlarge It's very lonely in here. Hello? Hello?
It's very lonely in here. Hello? Hello?

NASA Eggheads Pretty Sure Humans Aren’t Alone in the Cosmos

The problem with getting people to believe extraterrestrial life is real is that most people who make such statements look and sound like the last people that anyone from another planets could learn anything from. After all, what could earthlings possibly gain from abducting people like Randy Quaid in Independence Day who drink too much and live in the stupid desert? Be this as it may, top NASA brains like chief scientist Ellen Stofan are of the presumably well-informed opinion that we are going to find definitive evidence of life beyond Earth in the next decade or two. Such revelations contrast sharply with past generations’ theories on whether or not little green men (or at least boring microbes) are Tokyo Drifting through our galaxy on the reg. After such a large shift in opinion, NASA is now eager to start researching potential new universe-mates and figuring out it if it is more likely that the other lifeforms will want us to come live with them or if they’ll need to stay with us because they fucked up their home planet’s environment until it could no longer support life.

State Representative Wants to Make Everyone in Ohio Free and Allowed to Shoot Everybody Else

Guns are a tricky issue in America. They reduce the quality of life drastically for those who end up getting shot by them, while those shooting or hoping one day to shoot someone in some crazy yet righteous Wild West scenario where they play the role of “good guy” think guns are what everyone needs to thwart off Obama’s Health Insurance Death Squad (or anyone trying to bring trouble their way). It takes lots of well-paid politicians to figure out who gets to shoot what at who, and part of this process right here in the state of Ohio just got a lot more wild thanks to Rep. Ron Hood, a Republican apparently from a place in our state called Asheville. Hood and 20 co-sponsors are trying to pass a bill that would enable Ohioans of legal drinking age to carry all manner of bad ass weaponry wherever they please without needing some stupid permit from the bigwigs in government. Many people think this is an awful idea, including the Fraternal Order of Police of Ohio, which says licensing and training are pretty good ideas. Despite such expert input, people like Rep. Andrew Brenner, a Republican from Nowhereseville, says he hopes some of the nutjobs who skip background checks will get training anyway, though it is difficult to tell by reading news reports who exactly he was mocking with such a statement.

School Kids Might Soon Have to Learn Cursive Like Old, Stupid People Used To

Judging by how stupid most people you encounter on a daily basis are, it seems obvious that in addition to not being properly socialized they didn’t learn enough back in grade school (so much math and letters and shapes and antiquated and distant historical things that you’re supposed to memorize for tests then forget). Still, it’s critical that young kids in Ohio learn a lot before they get old enough to start skipping school and become bona fide delinquents. That’s why it’s hard to understand why lawmakers introduced a bill last week that would make writing in cursive a part of the curriculum like it was the 1950s again. It seems that this skill is not one that is vital and those precious educational hours with young students could be better invested in other ways. However, it may prove to be time well spent if society ever breaks down in the future and we need someone to write a new Constitution or some other communication is necessary that can’t be taken care of via emojis or emails.

Warren County Lawmaker Doing Best to Keep Same-Sex Couples on His Mind

State Rep. Ron Maag is going to try to keep idiots that think Jesus would want them to treat gay people like shit happy by crafting legislation that will allow licensed wedding officiants to deny their services to same-sex couples on religious grounds. After all, who would want to see two people happy together forever if their sexual preferences were different than yours? The mere thought is enough to get anyone riled up! Maag explains as such: “The intention of this bill is to preserve every person’s freedoms while still being respectful and cognizant of each individual’s equality.” He went on to explain how he hasn’t yet figured out why same-sex couples would seek the services of a wedding officiant who hatefully rejects their right to love, but also noted that you can never tell what the gays will do next.

Stowaway Sets Bad Example, Forces Alaska Airlines Flight to Turn Around

As if flying wasn’t already scary enough, next time you do it you might have to turn around just like a Los Angeles flight from Seattle did last week after the pilot heard a trapped employee’s pleas for help from inside the cargo hold. The aircraft was only in the air for 14 minutes before turning around to land and keep the worker from becoming an icicle or worse. It is unclear if the employee will face discipline for this big-time screw up, as the only thing that Alaska Airlines has confirmed thus far is that it is sorry for letting word leak that it is possible to fly from Point A to Point B without paying way too much money and being stuck sitting next to people who crowd your personal space and basically make the whole trip terrible.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]