THURSDAY FEB. 16
Cincinnati Christian University announced today that Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will come to Cincinnati on April 25 to take part in the school’s Leadership Initiative 2012. CCU describes “A Talk With Tebow: A Conversation About Faith and Football” as a casual event that includes a speech by Tebow and an interview about faith and football. In addition to the expected clichés about leadership, God and praying for on-field success, Tebow is expected to discuss what he calls “Phases 3 and 4 of Crazy Christians Taking Over The World of Sport.” Tebow believes God’s plan to get his word out to sports fans is “halfway complete” because of his unlikely success in the NFL, in conjunction with fellow Christian Jeremy Lin’s meteoric ascension in the NBA. According to God, the only particulars left to be decided for the next two phases of the plan are the ethnic backgrounds of the next two stars and which sports they will get absurd amounts of attention for playing.
FRIDAY FEB. 17
Contrary to what The Coalition Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes told everyone, the skies didn’t part and start raining blood, fire and sulfur down on the Cincinnati leaders who took part in the ceremonial groundbreaking for the Cincinnati streetcar today. Instead of waiting a decade or so before being able to gauge the effects the streetcar transit system will have on the Queen City, COAST leaders continue to trash the plan and vaguely imply that Cincinnatians will be less safe because of it. Since it seems too late to stop the streetcar system from being constructed, COAST has decided to focus its efforts elsewhere. By advising their members to create as many fake Facebook accounts as possible, they can ensure that any comments section of an article on Cincinnati.com will be littered with foreboding insights about how everyone who goes downtown on the streetcar will die of crack or bullets.
SATURDAY FEB. 18
Jill Haney, owner of Cincinnati-based JH Image Consulting, wrote a column in today’s Business section of The Enquirer that was very helpful for professionals of all ages! Titled “Try to restrain your use of !!!,” the piece explains that when communicating in the business world it is not wise to end sentences with exclamation points! Haney is rumored to be doing a series of articles for The Enquirer, with the next two expected to be called “Avoid rapping in company emails or your employer will not LOLZ” and “MLK Day: not the time for j/k.”
SUNDAY FEB. 19
After writing and posting the headline “Chink In the Armor” on espn.com in response to a Friday New York Knicks’ loss, former writer/online editor Anthony Federico explained that the wordplay was totes an accident and not related to the Knicks’ Asian-American point guard Jeremy Lin. The explanation wasn’t enough, however, as ESPN shitcanned him today and suspended for 30 days another anchor who used the phrase. Federico, who said he “meant nothing by it,” is said to be quite upset about the uproar, adding that just because his parents “always make Asian jokes when they eat at the Chinese buffet, that doesn’t make them biased towards Orientals.”
MONDAY FEB. 20
When you include people who still have landlines in your political polls, you’re bound to find unexpected results (“75 percent of respondents said they were angry about being disconnected from something called ‘America Online’”). A new Quinnipiac poll released today offered an expected level of surprise, as a majority of Ohioans apparently support becoming a “right-to-work” state so workers in certain industries won’t be required to join a union as a condition of employment. Ohio AFL-CIO spokesman Mike Gillis said the results are due to Ohioans thinking right-to-work actually means they’ll start getting a chance to work at Ohio companies that currently outsource their workforce to foreign companies that don’t even have “right-to-freedom” laws.
TUESDAY FEB. 21
A new report by The Enquirer today detailed where more than $2.8 billion that President Obama gave the Cincinnati area
because he is a socialist
went. The report, “Three years later, where did stimulus money go?” explains that the money was spent by various local programs, businesses, schools and governments in Hamilton County. Next week’s report will detail how CityBeat readers spent the stimulus checks they received back in ’09 and be accompanied by a pie chart that will make clear how much of the funds went to sushi, video games and really big tabs at local bars.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
