Worst Week Ever!: Nov. 26-Dec. 2

The state of Ohio found the state’s first case of chronic wasting disease (CWD) on a deer farm in Holmes County.

Ohio Deer Tests Positive for Rare Disease; You Might Too!

Whether the Ebola scare was a real thing or something pushed super hard by the media in order to distract the masses from lots of other shady stuff that’s going on in America and the world abroad, one thing it did teach us is that the next outbreak of gnarly disease or zombie scenario could be triggered by eating animals that have said gnarly disease or zombie DNA. We may find out soon enough, after the state of Ohio found the state’s first case of chronic wasting disease (CWD) on a deer farm in Holmes County. The deer was transferred from a Pennsylvania farm where other cases of CWD were found. Many states, including Ohio, allow the importation of deer from other states. Deer are farmed then released onto enclosed properties where shitty but financially solvent hunters shoot them and act like they are talented and manly. Without these canned hunts causing deer to be shipped state to state to be slaughtered for sport, CWD would not be as big of a threat since the natural migration of deer is considered fairly slow. Now the disease will probably spread everywhere and to humans, and children will be born with deer eyes and antlers. While the CWD outbreak could be a bad thing, the silver lining is that its spread will cut down on the amount of times this winter season in which people ask you to try deer jerky or other deer products that they made and taste like oily parts of a living and sweating deer.

Local Protesters Receive Special Holiday-Themed Punishment

Regardless of your opinion on the unfortunate events in Ferguson, Mo., it is important to note how protesters are treated by law enforcement. After eight people were arrested during demonstrations Nov. 25, many were puzzled as to why the protestors were being held for the entire weekend when they had only been charged with misdemeanors and seven had posted bail. Turns out, Hamilton County Judge Melissa Powers considered the protesters to be flight risks (as if a Ph.D. student has any money to get outta town…) and sentenced them to wear electronic monitoring devices upon their release even though the office that provides electronic monitoring devices was closed until Monday. Powers’ decision forced the protesters to spend Thanksgiving in jail, though Judge Ted Berry overturned the monitoring requirement on Friday because he was in a good mood after spending the holiday with his non-protesting friends and family members who never commit misdemeanors and believe in the rule of law.

Kasich Passes Important College Football-Related Resolution

If there’s one thing that Buckeye State politicians are good at, it’s spending time being paid a lot of taxpayer money to putz around and craft important pieces of legislation like the one Gov. John Kasich passed this week right before the annual Ohio State vs. Michigan football game. Kasich released an official proclamation Nov. 28 asking Ohioans to “avoid using the letter ‘M’ when possible,” and making Saturday “Scarlet Letter Saturday.” Following sections of the proclamation explain that Scarlet Letter Saturday is a day for celebrating Ohio State University and the scarlet and gray uniforms worn by their athletic teams, noting that it will have absolutely nothing to do with Puritan role play, accusations of adultery or exploration of themes of legalism, sin and guilt. Kasich and other Ohio policy makers also disclosed that they’ll come up with some wacky promotions for the upcoming college basketball season and get around to crafting a resolution that addresses the absurd amount of money college costs at some point in the future after that.

New Bill Will Make it Harder to Sue Doctors if They Fuck Up

Doctors save thousands of lives in America each day through their skilled care and guidance. They also kill a fair number of people each day through malpractice, but it will soon be harder to use doctors’ admissions of guilt or fault against them in courts of law after the hilariously named “I’m Sorry” law’s powers are expanded. Under the new guidelines, doctors who acknowledge responsibility for taking off the wrong arm or leg, or however they maim or kill you, will not have to worry about that conversation being used against them in court when the victim or survivor and family sue to get big new homes with in-ground pools to help them get over the medically induced death or disfigurement of a loved one. Shockingly, this bill is supported staunchly by physicians and reviled by trial attorneys. Similar legislation is pending in Congress and other states across the country. While it seems like a bad idea to make it easy to keep admissions of guilt or mistakes from a jury, backers of the expansion of the “I’m Sorry” bill note that it will encourage more medical professionals to apologize or at least say “my bad” after screwing up because they won’t have to really mean it.

Columbus Police Urge Locals to Stop Peeing in Public and Getting Arrested for It

The Columbus Dispatch recently relayed a message from the Columbus Police Department about how officers are tired of arresting people for peeing where they shouldn’t pee. In the last decade, nearly 1,500 people have been cited for urinating outside. According to The Dispatch, Cmdr. Chris Bowling (who would get called “a real wisenheimer” if he wasn’t a cop) said, “You don’t buy beer, you rent it.” Bowling patrols an area including the University District bars, which is a location where many public urination arrests are made when crowded bars and long bathroom lines make drunk people want to pee just like Daniel Boone or Lewis and Clark used to. It is hoped that spotlighting this quality of life issue will lead to better self-policing and discipline within the community. Columbus Police don’t want to make fighting public urination a top-line priority. They would prefer citizens of our state capital to know that they should stop doing it within Columbus city limits, but pissing on the rest of Ohio is still totally acceptable.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]