WEDNESDAY SEPT. 27
Father of Playboy and cultural icon Hugh Hefner died of natural causes in his infamous mansion at age 91 Wednesday. Friends and fans alike shared memories of Hef and his magazine, which as we all know is read primarily for “the articles.” In fact, Playboy shifted its focus more toward editorial content when it stopped showing full-frontal nudity in 2016. It took less than a year for the company to reverse its decision, bringing boobies back this past spring. Of course, Hefner was a longtime controversial figure. A recent New York Times op-ed identifies the professional playboy as “a pornographer and chauvinist who got rich on masturbation, consumerism and the exploitation of women, aged into a leering grotesque in a captain’s hat, and died a pack rat in a decaying manse where porn blared during his pathetic orgies.” Oof. And one of Hef’s creepier attributes was his complicated relationship with Marilyn Monroe, a woman he’d never met. Monroe appeared inside and on the cover of the magazine’s debut issue in 1953, in old photos Hefner purchased without her consent. Considering that, it’s especially unsettling that in 1992 he purchased the crypt next to Monroe’s for $75,000, saying, “Spending eternity next to Marilyn is too sweet to pass up.” Gross, Hef. R.I.P. — rest in perversion!
THURSDAY SEPT. 28
Move over, Pennywise. This real-life killer clown is scary AF. In 1990, a Florida woman was attacked in her home in one of the most disturbing of ways: a person in full-clown regalia carrying flowers and balloons came to her door and shot her. The victim, Marlene Warren, eventually died from her wounds and the case was never solved. Fast-forward 27 years and the mystery has finally come to an end. Longtime suspect Sheila Keen Warren was arrested this week, and if you’re wondering if she’s related to the victim due to their shared last name, think again — 12 years after allegedly killing Marlene, Sheila married the woman’s husband! It’s believed the two were having an affair at the time of the murder. Lifetime should really jump on this story and create a dramatized TV movie. With the popularity of ’90s true crime, this could be the Amy Fisher-It crossover deranged fans could only dream of.
FRIDAY SEPT. 29
Savage Trump burns are a dime a dozen these days. I just read the headline, “Kim Kardashian Goes Nuclear On Trump And Twitter Is Loving It,” so... It turns out a Massachusetts school librarian wins the #resistance award this week after rejecting the First Lady’s donation of books. In honor of National Read a Book Day (these pseudo-holidays must be stopped), Melania Trump donated a collection of 10 Dr. Seuss reads to top-ranked schools across the country. Librarian Liz Phipps Soeiro from Cambridgeport Elementary School was all, “Thanks but no thanks.” In an open letter to Melania, Soeiro explained that many other schools have a much higher need for book donations than the award-winning institutions she chose to honor, that the White House ought to turn its attention to education policies and that Dr. Seuss is actually cliché and kinda racist! In the ultimate “boom, bitch” move, she encouraged Melania to reach out to her local librarian for more recommendations. I’d cheer for Soeiro, but she’d probably just shush me.
SATURDAY SEPT. 30
Saturday Night Live returned this week for its 43rd season. Ahead of Saturday’s premiere, it was announced that Butler County native Luke Null, a Lakota East grad and Ohio University alum, was among the three new cast members. Countless entertainment websites shared the casting news, struggling to spell “Cincinatti” correctly. Being a newbie, Null didn’t get too much airtime in Saturday’s episode, which featured Ryan Gosling and Jay Z. Alec Baldwin returned as President Trump and likened 45 to the football players he’s raging a Twitter war against, saying, “I’m combative, I like to win and I might have a degenerative brain disease.” Elsewhere, Gosling took credit for “saving Jazz” via La La Land, recounted his abduction by aliens and raged against Avatar’s use of the lamented Papyrus font.
SUNDAY OCT. 01
The Juice is loose: After serving a nine-year prison sentence, O.J. Simpson was released on parole early Sunday morning. Simpson left a Nevada facility dressed in head-to-toe denim, also known as a Canadian tuxedo. Paparazzi followed Simpson after his release, catching up with him at a gas station where he was spotted in the back of a white SUV an — oh Lordt, here we go again...
MONDAY OCT. 02
Tom Cruise may have an inflated ego, but does he also have an inflated booty? An eagle-eyed viewer and true American hero noticed Cruise sporting an unusually plump bubble butt in a scene from Valkyrie, sharing on Twitter back in August. Some speculated he may stuff his cheeks like he stuffs his shoes with lifts; others argued as an actor who does his own stunts, it may be nothing more than protective padding. And it could have ended with that. But Cruise commented on the conspiracy this week, claiming no prosthetic was used in the film and he always does his own “mooning,” ew. Tom Cruise fake butt-gate is the kind of news I live for, because it’s so silly yet you know he takes it seriously. This week Cruise probably wishes ass-implant speculation was his biggest problem after his latest film, American Made, had one of the lowest openings in his career. Heh, “lowest opening.”
TUESDAY OCT. 03
This week in questionable decisions: Twitter began testing 280-character tweets, doubling its previous limit; Spanish luxury fashion house Balenciaga collaborated with Crocs for Paris Fashion Week, with models stomping the runway in plastic platform clogs; conditioned to froth at the mouth whenever an athlete bends a leg joint, confused fans at Sunday’s Steelers-Ravens game booed loudly when the team kneeled in prayer before the singing of the National Anthem; MTV’s Total Request Live is back on the air.
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