Worst Week Ever! Sept. 30-Oct. 06

Hedge Fund manager with power to put profits over human lives does exactly that; Pope comes to America, informs members of Congress they suck at their jobs; black people only vote to get free stuff and noted election-rigger Jeb Bush knows it; Bill Nye go

click to enlarge John Boehner
John Boehner

Hedge Fund Manager with Power to Put Profits over Human Lives Does Exactly That

If humanity has taught us anything, it’s that given the opportunity to make some money, people will do the most vile and inhumane things to one another in order to do just that. Our species’ latent desire to do this might even be the reason that currency was invented. That way when people make choices that cause discomfort and/or death they can be like “Yo, I was just trying to make some money! It’s all good!” As most of us already know, former hedge fund manager Martin Shkreli purchased Turing Pharmaceuticals and promptly raised the price of a drug used to treat AIDS patients from $13.50 per tablet to $750. In the past, Shkreli was reportedly behind a move that made a kidney medication that has been on the market for years jump in price to 20 times its original cost, so it’s not even like this despicable AIDS drug price-gouging stunt is a one-time thing. Shkreli wants everyone to know that he’s not a person who deserves to be imprisoned for the rest of his life without parole, noting that he wouldn’t put profits before human lives in all cases, like if there was a drug on the market that could keep him from looking like a forever baby.

Pope Comes to America, Informs Members of Congress That They Suck at Their Jobs

Religion and politics are alike in that they represent ancient power structures which heavily influence society and its norms through the use of fear-mongering, enemy-creating and other things that would seem sociopathic if not presented with imagery of waving flags, important buildings and angels. Even if you have a less-negative view of both entities, most humans agree that the power of these structures will not wane any time soon. Pope Francis came across the pond this week to be fawned over by politicians and treated as if he were something greater than a human being. During a visit with members of congress, he told those fools something crazy about how legislative activity should always be based on care for the people. “To this you have been invited, called and convened by those who elected you,” the pope said, plainly ignoring the reality that laws and governmental intervention is mostly done by the ruling class to benefit the ruling class. The pope also took part in an activity that Americans love deeply, which is talking about how other people could be better at doing their jobs. Once the members of congress had some time to soak in and process what the religious leader implored them to do, they realized that they could be a better congress and that the church and the Vatican could be better at not systematically aiding and abetting sexual abusers of children for decades.

Black People Only Vote to Get Free Stuff and Noted Election-Rigger Jeb Bush Knows It

Would things be different if Jeb Bush and his white friends hadn’t, um, helped George Bush defeat Internet-inventing Al Gore in that one presidential election a few years ago? Probably not, because most politicians are beholden to the same masters, and making money off of war is fun. Would black people have voted in the last presidential election if they weren’t given “free stuff?” According to Jeb!, the answer to that one is “hell no.” Bush isn’t the first Republican white guy to suggest that black people only care about free stuff rather than how the country they live in is governed — Mitt Romney did the same in 2012 and was widely blasted for it. That didn’t stop The Jebster from telling the lily-white East Cooper Republican Women’s Club that his message is one of hope and aspiration, as opposed to “one of division and get in line and we’ll take care of you with free stuff.” Jeb! continued: “Our message is one that is uplifting — that says you can achieve earned success.” At his next campaign stop in New York City, Jeb! is reportedly expected to discuss the time a black guy who said he was a rapper gave him a CD to listen to then asked him for $5 for it, which Bush thought was “kind of messed up.”

Bill Nye Goes off on Anti-Abortionists, Talks About Science vs. Stupidity

Planned Parenthood is like one of those “Cash 4 Gold” places, but instead of cash and gold they deal with infant body parts and some imaginary black market that you could only believe was real if you are especially stupid — the kind of stupid that proposes shutting down the government to keep Planned Parenthood from being funded, because denying women access to a wide range of health care services is a brilliant idea. Celebrated nerd Bill Nye The Science Guy had it up to here with this country’s recent trend of restricting women’s rights and debating some Planned Parenthood video of baby organ harvesting, which, much like the Republican Party’s support of women’s rights, does not exist. Nye released a video explaining that abortion is not akin to murder because so many more eggs are fertilized than become humans. Nye said anti-abortionists are ignorant and their beliefs are “a reflection of a deep scientific lack of understanding” and that they “literally” don’t know what they’re talking about. Nye later professed regret over using the word “literally” in his skewering because people who use that word are almost always self-centered, stupid and inarticulate.

Teary Orange Politician Quits; ‘WWE!’ Gets Harder to Write

Writing a column is like piloting a rickety ship across a large body of water. There’s a certain amount of time in which it must be done, and certain things that must be done in order to complete it. That’s why lighthouses are so important — they’re always there to guide one along his or her way and keep them oriented. In many ways, John Boehner has been like a lighthouse for this column over the years, always there to help a homey out by saying stupid things and representing Ohio in a way that made us wish he was from another state so ours wouldn’t be associated with his dumb, war-mongering ass. Nothing lasts forever, and Boehner’s political career has come to a crossroads this week after he spent some time looking like a fucking idiot crying while sitting behind the pope, then resigning shortly thereafter. On his way out the door, Boehner lambasted his detractors as “false prophets” and told constituents that those who disagreed with him made our Town Crier so angry he was red in the face, but most people couldn’t tell because his tan level is so high he looks like an Oompa Loompa who spent his entire life on a golf course instead of a chocolate factory.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]