WEDNESDAY FEB. 6
Everyone knows that grocery shopping sucks, but that if you eat out too many times in a row you start wondering if your parents would call you a loser or feel bad for you if they knew how bad you are at taking care of yourself. Eventually, you end up at Kroger with the rest of the community. That doesn’t sound too bad, until a five-cent discrepancy on a can of tuna pisses someone right off and they start making a big deal out of it on Facebook. That’s what happened after a local woman’s visit to the Florence, Ky., Kroger. The chain responded to the negative social media coverage it has been receiving as a result and offered to take 10 cents off cans of anything if you will please just stop calling it “Kroger’s.”
THURSDAY FEB. 7
AirAsia has come up with a great idea, offering passengers willing to pay an extra $39 for a seating upgrade that will guarantee them a seat in the section of the plane reserved for those 12 and older. This idea comes after Malaysia Airlines’ decision last year to ban children from the top deck of their A380 planes. Airline industry executives are said to currently be working on an improvement to these initiatives, which would involve placing children in ejector seats that can be activated by fellow passengers when they start being brats.
FRIDAY FEB. 8
Frozen food company Findus is in a lot of trouble for selling frozen lasagna meals to folks in Britain and Sweden that contained between 60 and 100 percent horsemeat. The embattled company is now likely to sue its French suppliers, Comigel, for this little mix-up. Legal analysts for Findus are unsure of how it will be able to stay in business now that everyone knows about the mystery meat. When asked how long this unappetizing conspiracy has been going on, a spokesperson speculated, “probably for a long time,” and that “if you’ve ever tried to eat at an Irish pub or an Ikea, you could see how we thought the people in those countries wouldn’t ever catch on.”
SATURDAY FEB. 9
Reuters reports that a court in Egypt has suspended YouTube for one month for broadcasting a film critical of Muhammad. Egyptians were rightfully upset by the film, which apparently “depicts the Prophet as a fool and a sexual deviant.” The hard line Egypt is taking against the popular video-sharing site’s insensitive content doesn’t stop there. The court also wants YouTube to know that not a single person in any country anywhere is going to click and find out what vevo.com is no matter how many of their stupid ads you put on before playing the video we want to watch.
SUNDAY FEB. 10
Fox News continued to wipe the egg from its face today after being called out for proclaiming that solar power works in Germany because they get more sunlight than the United States. Host Gretchen Carlson and reporter Shibani Joshi tried to toss some shade on President Obama’s solar power initiatives by explaining that solar power only works because “they’re a smaller country, and they’ve got lots of sun. … They’ve got a lot more sun than we do.” Joshi and Carlson went on to explain how solar power won’t work in Australia, because everything is upside down there.
MONDAY FEB. 11
UC’s Public Safety Director & Police Chief Michael Cureton sent an email today describing how a message system that alerts people when people near campus pull guns on people and take their things will change this week. Instead of university folk having to opt-in to the text-message system, it will now be set up so that they have to opt out to stop receiving the warnings. The alert system could lead to UC’s campus area becoming safer over time, but the email fails to describe what to when a text message alert is sent to your phone but it has already been stolen from you. The next safety directive will address this issue and also recommend creating an app that would function like the map of Los Santos in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and start blinking red in the sections of Clifton in which violent crimes were currently being committed.
TUESDAY FEB. 12
Miley Cyrus, famous from her days as Hannah Montana, is now hanging out with a rapper named French Montana. The two arrived together arm-in-arm at Ne-Yo’s Midnight Grammy Brunch, according to a hot piece of celebrity gossip in today’s New York Post. The tabloid made no mention of whether Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana would come along to round out the Montana triumvirate, since he is the only one of the Montanas to have some sort of discernible talent.