Worst Week Ever! Dec. 09-15

Climate change BS still annoys us; Washington Post reminds us all to keep thinking of dreams in context of race; 9/11 first responders fight for health care because politicians are disgusting and more.

click to enlarge Hang in there, buddy!
Hang in there, buddy!

America Supports France Against Terrorism, but Climate Change BS Still Annoys Us

France is a place that Americans don’t know a lot about, other than thinking the people there all wear white-and-black-striped shirts and subsist off of cigarettes, wine and baguettes because who knows what grows out of the ground over there? For a while we expressed solidarity, support and sorrow for the recent terrorist attacks in Paris, but now America’s leaders are on to the next hot-button issue, visiting the city to explain why climate change might be real but our desire to make money has to come ahead of the planet’s well-being. While attending the COP21 gathering on Dec. 7, President Obama explained that he realizes climate change is real, needs to be viewed as a big problem and ultimately solved, but the Republican-controlled chambers of Congress are still focused on arguing that things like climate change and evolution are just opinions that latte drinkers have. Realizing that getting the U.S.A. to take meaningful action to address this issue, Obama floated the idea of asking Facebook to come up with some sort of “climate change thingie” option for users’ profile pictures so we can push a button or two and feel like we’ve actually done something.

Washington Post Reminds Us All to Keep Thinking of Dreams in Context of Race

There was a lot of bad news this week. Finding humor in the midst of such a cornucopia of death and inter-human stupidity isn’t as easy as it would be if we were doing a better job of treating each other with love and respect. As if all the other bad news wasn’t enough, the Washington Post piled on with a simply heartbreaking blog titled “Young white people are losing their faith in the American Dream.” After all, if white people are not happy then that’s really cause for alarm because… wait, that doesn’t make any sense at all. A recent Fusion 2016 Issues Poll that used questions from a similar poll taken in 1986 sort of revealed that people have a less positive outlook on things than they did back then. While the white people of America might be less stoked about things today than ever before, the poll takers noted that while public opinions might change over the years, one constant remains: The importance of portraying human goals and emotions in terms of skin color, nationality and gender remains a vital process to keep the masses from focusing their dissent and anger toward the wealthy evil ruling class that has vacation homes and such care-free lives that you can’t help but to simultaneously hate them while wishing you were one of them.

Oh Man, Did You Hear About How Close Those Elections Were? What a Rush!

One great way to get people interested in things is to make them feel like they’re going to miss out if they don’t take part immediately. If this concept were true for voting — a use it or lose it-type scenario — more people would vote and fewer people would end up with a mayor that everybody hates. Unfortunately, voters in two southwestern Ohio elections — Arlington Heights mayor and a seat on Franklin city council — failed to see the value of this civic duty, resulting in both elections being decided by a single vote. In response to such a literal demonstration of why every vote counts, Republicans and Democrats alike have urged prospective voters to view these nail-biter elections as a pertinent reminder that wearing last year’s “I Voted” sticker is not a reasonable substitute for casting a vote for the lesser of two evils or the candidate who looked dumber on a random campaign flier you didn’t ask for.

In Wake of Most Recent

Killing Spree, Americans Decide Doing

Nothing Makes Most Sense

All Americans are expert drivers sharing the roads with idiots, and most of us would make better decisions than the ones being made by the people who actually make them. Everybody is an expert, which makes it somewhat surprising that nobody has figured out why so many people meet their end by getting shot. Just hours before the San Bernardino massacre, doctors appeared on Capitol Hill to petition Congress to lift a ban on funding gun-violence research, which commonly views the topic as a disease. Much like climate change, it seems unlikely that Congress will lift a finger to address this plague of an issue, instead relying on shitbag politicians to suggest using a finger from each hand to place over our eardrums to better tune out the people who wonder how things like classrooms full of grade-schoolers being killed spur less change than Janet Jackson’s boob cameo during her Super Bowl performance.

9/11 First Responders Fight for Health Care Because Politicians Are Disgusting

The attacks on 9/11 took place not so long ago and have successfully been spun and used to sell big pickup trucks and T-shirts amid a nation’s despair. But this week we found out that those tragic events are now far enough removed from the front page that politicians have decided to take the next step in the grieving process by delaying extending health care benefits to first responders who ended up with things like non-Hodgkin lymphoma for their heroic efforts. The extension of benefits wasn’t included in a huge transportation bill as expected and many sick people are worried that the same people who shut down the government will leave them without the help they need. Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell reportedly addressed this situation, noting that “9/11 Never Forget” says nothing about insurance benefits at all.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]