John Boehner’s Blog Team Uses GIFs, Surprises EveryoneJohn Boehner likes being rich and suntanned, and he also likes driving for show and putting for dough. He’s played more rounds of golf in the past year than most ham-and-eggers do in their entire lives, yet he somehow plays the card of knowing what’s best for the blue collar vox populi of American society. He also knows how to make things that are puzzling (like trying to make college available to more people and less fiscally ruinous) and put them in terms that make sense to our Duck Dynasty watchin’ asses. Boehner’s blog usually goes along the lines of “Obummer suxx LOL,” but the Speaker’s communication staff took a new approach at dissing the president by featuring 12 GIFs of dead-eyed pop star Taylor Swift to demonstrate the point that “not even all the Taylor Swift album sales in the world would cover” the stupid liberal idea about making community college educations more accessible to people whose parents aren’t members of country clubs. While some might think that using tax dollars to make political points with GIFs from music videos is a stupid idea, Boehner supporters are into it and sincerely hope the next blog will feature the old-school dancing baby GIF with President Obama’s head superimposed on it because “that would make him look real stupid.”
Mayor Cranley Enters Year 2 Feeling Smart, Rich, Accomplished
These days it is tres chic to bash Mayor John Cranley for opposing the streetcar we voted for and doing things like trying to intimidate restaurant owners for humorously naming hot dogs after him. Unfortunately, voting wasn’t all the rage when our city held its last mayoral election, which is the reason he is now in charge of it. One year into his four-year term, Cranley was the subject of an Enquirer editorial that came off as if it were written by a second grader explaining why his or her dad is the best dad in the entire world. With gems like, “He didn’t go to Harvard for nothing — as he showed with his pension and budget solutions, the man is smart,” it is obvious that Cincinnatians should ignore the fact that Cranley acts as if his constituents are stupid and incapable of identifying things that are good for our community and embrace him because he is wealthy, smart and went to an Ivy League school. In addition to improving road quality and working to include minorities more, Cranley plans on talking less shit about the yuppies who support the streetcar and asking for a “do over” on the photo op which resulted in the picture of him sitting on a red bike looking like he is from a distant star galaxy and had never touched a bicycle before.
Keebler Company to Bring New Human Jobs to Kentucky
The Keebler Company could be bringing 75 new full-time cookie-making jobs to Boone County sometime soon, as Kentucky state officials are considering tax incentives associated with an expansion of the company’s Northern Kentucky manufacturing plant. By adding a production line to its existing plant, the $19 million investment would re-establish some of the production capacity lost when the company consolidated its U.S. cookie network, shutting down many of the inner-tree, elf-run factories commonly seen in Keebler cookie commercials. Some local officials were hesitant to OK the addition of the production line, but The Keebler Company helped allay their fears by explaining that all plant employees will be regularly drug tested to ensure safety and that the stoners who came up with the Keebler Elves concept will not touch heavy machinery at all ever.
NBC News Anchor Lies About War Stuff, Doesn’t Really Get Punished for ItWhen blue collar folk don’t tell the truth, it’s called lying, and they are usually held accountable for it. However, if you have a job that entails wearing pancake makeup and talking about other people and things on the TV, you can do so with relative impunity. As you’ve surely heard, NBC’s Brian Williams got in trouble for making up a story about his time in Iraq — and then describing his deceitful statements as “misremembering” rather than lying. Williams will take a few nights off from doing the news, during which he will try to figure out if he remembers fighting in Vietnam or if those experiences are just from him dropping acid and watching Apocalypse Now twice in a row at a frat party back in the early ’80s.
Schmucks’ Plan to Monopolize the Weed Game Takes a Hit
By now, most are familiar with ResponsibleOhio, a group of profiteers who bonded together to try to subvert the free-market economy and make weed production in Ohio something that only they can do once it inevitably becomes legal and stops being such a drain on law enforcement. Fortunately, the Ohio legislature crafted an amendment placed on the Nov. 3 ballot that will prohibit any addition to our state’s constitution that creates “a monopoly, oligopoly or cartel” to sell federally controlled substances like the potweeds. Stoners across the state are rejoicing, glad that their state’s representatives realize that KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell cartels are OK but monopolies and oligarchies and stuff like that is just plain wrong in most instances.
‘Enquirer’ to Replace Sloppy Copy with Naughty Copy?At Worst Week Ever!, we often resort to writing gross and inappropriate headlines because we aren’t very funny. Unfortunately, part of our measly pittance for writing these dumb articles requires us to occasionally be humorous, and being gross kind of counts as being funny in some circles. The Enquirer dabbled in such lowbrow, attention-seeking behavior this year when it published a story about a local doctor losing his medical license for what we might as well describe in the exact words our city’s daily newspaper published in its print edition: “Doctor losing license for fingering patients’ G-spots.” The story drew complaints from even the conservative paper’s not-so-prudish readers, and editors quickly changed the online version to something that did not contain words best defined by Urban Dictionary . The story was published just days after Enquirer Editor Carolyn Washburn in an email to her staff ripped reporters for turning in “sloppy copy,” though she noted in the apology for the finger-bang headline that at least the writer put the apostrophe in the right place in “patients’.”
Reds Manager Bryan Price Is Sick of His Fucking JobCincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price has plenty of problems these days, from multiple relievers blowing 8th inning leads multiple days in a row to the (multiple) catchers he’s had to bring up from the minors because Devin Mesoraco’s hip hurts. This week Price responded to the stress by using multiple expletives in an epic rant about how media coverage of his players not being at the stadium with the rest of the team is making it harder for him to strategically not use the players in the games the team is losing. The Enquirer didn’t take kindly to Price’s five-and-a-half-minute rant directed toward its reporter, publishing the entire transcript , which included 77 F-bombs and 11 versions of the word “shit.” An early version of the story even had the phrase “five-minute, 34-second tirade” in there twice, as if an editor were copying and pasting it all over the article to see where it might make Price look the dumbest. That early version also promised to post audio of the rant, but it never happened, presumably because Reds content is worth more to The Enquirer than 5,000 copy editors. Price later apologized via the Reds Twitter account.
Santa Ono, Clifton Leaders Don’t Think I-74/75 Hopple Street Ramps Look Scary EnoughUniversity of Cincinnati President Santa Ono and other influential Clifton businesspeople have thrown their support behind a plan to build a bridge connector to better connect Cincinnati State to South Cumminsville near the I-74/I-75 interchange. In a letter to Mayor John Cranley and Cincinnati City Council, the group asked them to come up with $42 million to fund the project and to also get the whole thing done on time despite this massive addition. Ono and the group of Clifton business leaders would also like Mayor Cranley to purchase more sledgehammers and demo equipment so every building in the neighborhood built before 1990 can be razed and turned into another sandwich shop.
Mayor Cranley Appoints Guy to Historic Conservation Board Who Loves Tearing Down Old Buildings
Because young people who were unsure if they would be given stickers and/or the opportunity to gloat on Facebook about voting didn’t show up in Coney Town’s last mayoral election, we have spent the last few years dealing with John Cranley’s Montgomery-Burns-in-his-younger-years persona. Cranley’s right-hand man, City Manager Harry Black, appointed a developer named Shree Kulkarni to a position on the city’s Historic Conservation Board even though Kulkarni once waged a two-year battle to raze a building on Fifth Street and replace it with a tiny parking lot. Kulkarni also opposed the Historic Conservation Board’s efforts to keep the Davis Furniture building in Over-the-Rhine from being demolished. Local media soon made the connection between Kulkarni the building smasher and an $8,300 donation to Cranley’s 2013 mayoral campaign. Kulkarni has only lived in Cincinnati for eight years and likely needs more time to study our city before identifying which historical property should meet the wrecking ball next. Mayor Cranley has asked that people give his new appointee a chance to serve before judging and not to pay attention to rumors that he and Kulkarni will partner to open up the old subway tunnels and then create some sort of ruse to lead the new streetcars into them to be sealed for eternity.
Your Lack of Grammar Skills Is Keeping You From Getting Laid IRL Just Like It Is on the Internet
When the Internet was created, it was intended to better link researchers and other eggheads with cushy university jobs. These days, the web is used primarily for pornography, gambling, pizza-ordering and trying to find people to do it with. The last is still a little rough around the edges, but fortunately there are journalistic bros like the Wall Street Journal to help people out when they struggle with finding a mate in the real world as well as on digital platforms. According to the Journal, it turns out that not knowing the difference between “there,” “their” and “they’re” can be a major turn-off to other people on the web who want to have sex but don’t like people who aren’t very smart. Dating site Match.com reportedly asked more than 5,000 single people about the criteria they use when assessing dates, with personal hygiene coming in first (96 percent of women valued this the most, as compared with 91 percent of men) followed by a person’s grammar. In addition to typing in a manner that shows a cursory command over the one goddamn language you know how to speak, it is also advisable to avoid including “69” in your profile name because no one has thought that was funny since America Online allowed people to further demonstrate their stupidity with lengthy profiles and questionnaires.
New EPA Clean Air Standards Might Make Things Less Gray and Hazy This Summer
The Environmental Protection Agency has given local Ohio and Kentucky counties passing grades for the past few years. However, it turns out that we’re just like stupid American school kids who pass because the test-givers lowered the standards enough so we would have a shot at getting by. Now the issue is figuring out how to let factories and other polluters operate enough to make their owners wealthy and happy while not poisoning the air and water to the point that the public gets concerned or deathly ill. Even though it was a mild summer last year, Greater Cincinnati just barely met the standard for air quality. New rules this year will make complying more difficult, which could lead to regulations and fines against factory and transportation service companies. Living in a river valley full of stagnant, poor-quality air seems like something we should shy away from, but the National Association of Manufacturers believes new EPA regulations will reduce America’s gross domestic product by $270 billion… which is not the kind of thing that America likes. Mathematicians, climate scientists and concerned economic groups are set to meet next week to come up with a ratio of air quality/profit wherein people can still be rich but not too many people die from air and water pollution issues.
Bengals Win Again, Astrophysicist Confirms This Is Real and Not Part of Parallel Universe
It’s hard to remember all the words to the Bengals’ fight songs and rhetorical questions about who is going to defeat the Bengals in a jungle, because most of the time when people go to a game they end up blacking out drunk at some point before alcohol sales in the stadium are cut off. Despite such difficulties maintaining one’s facilities during the contests, Cincinnati’s pro football team has won most of its games, sitting in first place in the AFC North at 11-3. After week five’s cool win over the Seattle Seahawks, famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson dropped some knowledge on sports fans, explaining how the game-winning field goal that clanged off the upright — and then went through — was aided by the Coriolis effect, a scientific explanation of which direction things bounce based on the Earth’s rotation. In the Who Deys’ case, the flying, spinning rock we call Earth altered the football’s flight by 1/3 of an inch, pretty much making it bounce through the uprights and proving that the Seahawks suck.
Warren County Lawmaker Doing Best to Keep Same-Sex Couples on His Mind
State Rep. Ron Maag is going to try to keep idiots that think Jesus would want them to treat gay people like shit happy by crafting legislation that will allow licensed wedding officiants to deny their services to same-sex couples on religious grounds. After all, who would want to see two people happy together forever if their sexual preferences were different than yours? The mere thought is enough to get anyone riled up! Maag explains as such: “The intention of this bill is to preserve every person’s freedoms while still being respectful and cognizant of each individual’s equality.” He went on to explain how he hasn’t yet figured out why same-sex couples would seek the services of a wedding officiant who hatefully rejects their right to love, but also noted that you can never tell what the gays will do next.
Cincinnati Elevator Code Enforcement Goes Through Ups and Downs
Forty-eight of Cincinnati’s 2,918 elevators are not up to code, according to records analyzed by an Enquirer reporter who probably was assigned an elevator investigation as punishment for doing something wrong. Apparently, many building owners will not let inspectors in to examine elevators and gauge the likelihood of its future occupants plummeting to their grisly deaths. The exposé is expected to increase the rate of compliance and guaranteed safety in local elevators, though elevator activists are reportedly pushing for inspections to first test an elevator’s ability to go down safely rather than up, since if anyone is going to be reduced to pieces in an old-timey-sounding elevator catastrophe, most would prefer for it to happen in the morning rather than when they’re trying to leave work at the end of the day.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]