WEDNESDAY MAY 9
Barack Obama today became the first sitting president to endorse same sex marriage, in what will go down in history as an important step toward non-heterosexual Americans being treated the same as everyone else. Many news outlets have theorized that this momentous event was spawned by “a shift in public opinion,” though some pundits have a more specific-sounding theory, which is referred to as “the president showing North Carolina and the other 29 states that ban same-sex marriage that everyone else thinks they are hateful.” Meanwhile, the people who think that their interpretation of a book justifies their hatred of other humans are said to be waiting to hear someone who feels the same as they do make sense of this stunning development. Eventually, homophobes hope smart Americans can see that a black president supporting the rights of non-heterosexuals means the world is going to explode soon and you don’t need a Mayan calendar or some other stupid artifact to see it.
FRIDAY MAY 11
A man shopping in the gardening aisle of a Walmart in Washington state was bitten by a rattlesnake last week. The snake latched onto the victim’s hand until he got primal, knocked the snake loose and stomped it to death. A bystander rushed the man to a nearby emergency room, where he was treated with anti-venom and informed that the bite could cause permanent disfigurement of his hand. On the bright side, the snake attack occurred before the man made his way inside the Walmart and had a chance to contribute to the end of America by purchasing any low-quality products from the evil retail giant.
SATURDAY MAY 12
Germany’s Der Spiegel reported today that during 2011 German police shot only 85 bullets, and most weren’t even aimed at humans. Out of 85 bullets fired, 49 were warning shots. These numbers make it seem like it might be possible to greatly reduce the number of times per year in this country a person gets shot to death by the police in a situation where it seems like other resolutions could have been reached. Law enforcement professionals around America are trying to figure out if this is because people here are armed to the teeth and much more violent than people in other countries, or if it is possible to attribute this occurrence to characteristics of society in Germany without making stereotypical references to their efficiency.
SUNDAY MAY 13
A security supervisor at Newark Airport in New Jersey was arrested today and accused of assuming a murdered man’s identity two decades ago, according to authorities. Prosecutors are weighing how severely the man should be punished because airport security professionals lying about their identity isn’t so good for national security. Getting a jury to find the accused identity thief guilty could prove difficult because anyone who has travelled through Newark Airport would consider being killed 20 years ago a better option than having to show up to work there on a regular basis.
MONDAY MAY 14
Testimony from Democratic pollster Harrison Hickman in the defense of politician John Edwards has revealed that he feared his wife Elizabeth’s temper, specifically after his affair with a mistress. Hickman stated: “I don’t mean to say this in a disparaging way. It was volcanic ... She could get upset about things, but she was really upset about this.” The following day, Hickman reportedly planned to discuss more examples of how Elizabeth Edwards was a real hot head, then focus on how upset and mad she got the time her cheating, piece of shit husband left her while she was dying of breast cancer.
TUESDAY MAY 15
Angry Republicans have concluded that everyone on welfare is on drugs and that the best way to fix that is enforcing mandatory drug testing of certain welfare recipients. Louisiana Republican John LaBruzzo is a staunch supporter of the state’s House Bill 380 despite the fact that he lost his re-election bid last fall because people didn’t vote for him. LaBruzzo believes that making people go downtown and piss in a cup like they are convicted criminals every so often is a good way to make sure they are on the straight and narrow. Supporters of the bill note that is probably going to be easier to catch people on welfare who do drugs because poor people are less likely to be able to scramble to a head shop and buy the expensive home testing kits and detox aids that white collar folks rely on to keep their drug habits and their jobs.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]