WEDNESDAY JAN. 23
State Board of Education President Debe Terhar has made some folks not so happy. She shared a link on Facebook from some pitiful source who posts things like photos of our president with the caption “Where’s Lee Harvey Oswalt when you need him?” (their misspelling, not ours) and a picture of a polar bear with the caption “Holy f*** I’m glad I’m white.” The intellectual gem she mined and shared today was a quote from noted humanitarian and all-around good guy Adolf Hitler about gun control that makes no sense. Tehra admitted that it might have been uncouth of her to bring up a genocidal maniac while making a clumsy attempt at solving the gun control issue once and for all. After the negative reaction to her Facebook fail, she is reconsidering the content of her planned speech next week at the Department of Education’s Pupil Transportation conference titled “When Hitler Was in Power the Trains Ran on Time.”
THURSDAY JAN. 24
Some eighth-graders from Batavia last week won second place at a Future City engineering contest in Columbus for their inspired design of “Pema Koe.” Using SimCity 4 Deluxe software, the students were able to create a breathtaking cityscape. They also constructed a model of their creation using recyclable materials. Education works best when involving elements from the past and the future, and SimCity software was very futuristic and helpful in the design process. According to teachers in the school, the students also looked at Cincinnati’s past and used that experience to help guide a futuristic society whose leaders won’t get caught paying for space-prostitutes via check.
FRIDAY JAN. 25
Just when it looks like WWE! might have turned the corner and stopped including wiener jokes on the reg, news happens which renders this impossible. Subway has apologized for making mad songs about footlongs and deluding the public when in reality its subs often fail to eclipse the 11-inch mark on the tape measure. The company stated that it will try harder to “ensure consistency and correct length” in all its sandwiches and expressed “regret” for “any instance where we did not fully deliver on our promise to our customers.” Subway hopes that this sincere apology is better accepted than if it decided to just trim the toppings around the subs to make them look bigger.
SATURDAY JAN. 26
All the smoothest gentlemen in the New York Rangers’ marketing department came up with the idea to publish a “Girl’s Guide to Hockey” on the team’s website. It offers advice in the line of “speak when spoken to” such as “don’t be afraid to ask questions, but ask questions [the men] will enjoy answering.” The guide also informs all the ladies out there that “you can tell if something huge has happened by their reaction, and if you’re absolutely lost, wait for the replay. There’s always a replay after a major play.” Women’s groups agreed that sometimes they need a man to explain things to them and would like the NHL to start by detailing the league’s complex reasoning behind having three work stoppages in the past decade and no longer being popular enough to have games on ESPN.
SUNDAY JAN. 27
WLWT today published a story titled “Lottery winner’s toilet paper wish realized,” detailing how a local woman who won a million dollars gave back to the community that helped her through hard times in the past. The story succeeds in showing how nice it is when people give back to those who helped them, and confusing readers who expected the piece to describe how the lady could now afford a bidet but isn’t going to get one because she thinks they are weird.
MONDAY JAN. 28
The Reds Radio Network now boasts 93 affiliates, a number that continues to climb and might even reach the highpoint — 115 — it saw during the pinnacle of the Big Red Machine’s heyday. With the Reds likely to contend for a World Series title this season, expansion could increase rapidly. In addition to expanding their presence across the Midwest, the network promises to give listeners a different radio presence than the Bengals, one that does not include yelling “oooh,” “oh” and “baby” a lot instead of describing events on the field to listeners.
TUESDAY JAN. 29
Catholic Bishops in Colorado have promised to review a Catholic hospital’s legal stance in a case involving the death of a seven-month-old fetus. The hospital argued that the fetus is not a person in order to win a lawsuit, a stance that wildly contradicts the Catholic Church’s stance on when life begins. A spokesperson for the hospital has asked everyone to reconsider what God really wants everyone to do but promises that the church won’t stop interfering with women’s rights to govern their own bodies unless that too somehow turns out to be economically imprudent.
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