WEDNESDAY JULY 31
People who say that things are “meta” are usually annoying and prone to trying to make themselves appear way more intelligent and informed than they truly are. That said, there seems to be a debate within the debates when it comes to the upcoming Cincinnati mayoral election. The heart of the issue is that multiple candidates are permitted to run for mayor, but come Sept. 10 voters will pick the top two in a primary. The two most popular will face off in a televised event, which makes it seem likely that wacky fringe candidates aren’t likely to be made part of it. Independent candidate Sandra “Queen” Noble falls into the category just mentioned, which caused her to send an email to the mayoral debate organizers portraying her feelings with vivid imagery and panache. “Queen Noble is being robbed of the elections thanks to motherfuckers such as yourself seeing the future and shit. The fuck you mean debate after the election robbing primary. It’s a rip off for the incumbents in it self (sic). Dirty motherfuckers are backed by dirty motherfuckers cheating the public out the best candidates so fuck you and the primary election. Queen Noble will debate now asshole.” While CityBeat’s political pundits don’t think Noble is the clear-cut favorite to become Cincinnati’s next mayor, they are pretty much certain that her prose and active writing voice has solidified her status as the third-string Worst Week Ever! writer from here on out.
THURSDAY AUG. 1
Immigrants are different than us. That’s a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you talk to. What can’t be debated is that Ohio is going to start offering undocumented immigrants with temporary legal status the opportunity to pay in-state tuition rates to attend public colleges as long as they meet some residency requirements. In the past, most public schools charged undocumented immigrants an out-of-state or international rate that could be up to three times greater than what Ohio students were charged. It is hoped that encouraging everyone in the United States to pursue an education will result in the state having more trained and skilled professionals within its borders. Additionally, immigrants are guaranteed to feel like real Americans once they graduate and go from broke to still broke also saddled with massive amounts of student loan debt like we natives have been doing for years.
FRIDAY AUG. 2
Thanks to public records obtained by The Enquirer, we now know that Kings Island’s mysterious “world record-breaking” attraction will be a roller coaster. The new bone rattler will be built in the north end of the park, in the area where the Son of Beast stood until it was torn down last fall. The Son of Beast came into this world in 2000 and left it in 2009 after some people were injured while riding it. One can only guess which world record the new roller coaster will break or what its name will be until project details are released next week. The coaster’s architects initially planned for it to break several world records, but after recent events elsewhere decided to scale back their new creation in favor of building something decent that won’t cause anyone to fall to gruesome deaths.
SATURDAY AUG. 3
Federal and state regulators want Apple to be banned from entering e-book distribution contracts for five years after it was alleged that the company conspired with publishers to raise e-book prices. The U.S. Department of Justice and 33 states have come out in support of those sanctions after a federal judge in New York ruled that Apple played a “central role” in the conspiracy. Apple plans on killing time during their ban by coming up with more App Updates that don’t do anything but annoy the shit out of their customers.
MONDAY AUG. 5
Lots of people went to Washington Park over the weekend to attend the LumenoCity event, which combined symphony music and a laser show projected onto Music Hall. The Enquirer’s article on the festival sounded like an 1890s review of a new kind of locomotive, including whimsical gems like, “a young man from Downtown could have never imagined that many people coming to Washington Park at night and not being terrified” and, “a wealth manager from Blue Ash told 15 people Monday that they must go into the city for the next event like it.” Organizers estimate that 35,000 people came to the park over the weekend to witness LumenoCity, with many viewing the event as a historic change in the neighborhood in which it was held. A Cincinnati Police Department district commander even went so far as to proclaim that it occurred in “the new Over-the-Rhine.” The commander also explained that LumenoCity would not have been possible to pull off in the “old Over-the-Rhine” before all the homeless people in Washington Park were run off or run over by police cars while sleeping.
TUESDAY AUG. 6
President Obama is a dick for tricking millions of impressionable people who like being hopeful and like change into thinking he would somehow be different than other politicians. It turns out he supports programs that rob us of our constitutional rights and advocates harsher punishment for whistleblowers than he does those for whom the whistle is righteously being blown. Some people have hated the president for a long time and have even gone as far as holding nationwide “Overpasses for Obama’s Impeachment” events where people gather and waive signs while people drive and honk to show their support or warn other drivers that someone else honking is creeping into their lane. One Northern Kentucky resident was more than pleased with the turnout but complained about all the horns honking. She reportedly expressed relief that the target of the protest’s last name starts with an “O,” because if it started with some other letter they might have to hold their protest in a tunnel or some other gross kind of roadway.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN:
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