Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 29-Nov. 4

For hundreds of years many people have looked to revered religious figures with big hats for guidance on how to be good people.

click to enlarge More exclusives, less editing
More exclusives, less editing

Pope Francis Admits God Isn’t Anti-Science, Tries to Make Catholic Church Seem Less Uninformed

For hundreds of years many people have looked to revered religious figures with big hats for guidance on how to be good people. It used to work, but as we have become less interested in church activities as a society, the Bible has become less relevant in much the same way as the Farmer’s Almanac when it comes to weather forecasting. Pope Francis wasn’t a member of Hitler Youth like his predecessor/vampire stunt double Pope Benedict XVI, and he also has a more sensible approach to evolution and science in general. While speaking at the Pontifical Academy of Sciences, Pope Francis stated that the theories of evolution and the Big Bang make sense and were not invented by heretics who should be burned at the stake. The Pope also went on to explain that God is not “a magician with a magic wand” and that despite the depth and depravity of the pedophile-sheltering service the Catholic Church ran for years, most of the stuff you see in The Da Vinci Code and Dan Brown’s books aren’t true either.

‘Enquirer’ Employees Leaving Rather Than Re-Interviewing for Their Jobs and Way Less Money

It’s been suggested that we at WWE! level too many barbs and jokes toward The Cincinnati Enquirer, so let’s preface this by noting that we do so because our daily local newspaper is an important information and culture sharing device in our community and it dismays us to see a paper that used to be good start looking and reading like a Target ad and featuring headlines like “How this election affects…your love life.” Be that as it may, it’s only going to get worse thanks to editor Carolyn Washburn’s bold decision to effectively lay off seasoned staffers and then ask them to re-apply for “fundamentally new jobs,” which sounds like something Karl Rove would say to describe how people with a decent salary and benefits have to choose between leaving or applying for the jobs they already had, with the understanding that the new position would only be different because it pays less and doesn’t offer benefits. According to the Cincinnati Business Courier, more than a dozen newsroom staffers are leaving ahead of the humiliating re-interview process, including its No. 2 editor and several longtime, well-respected journalists. We would like to extend our respect and thanks to the talented Enquirer employees who aren’t taking this bullcrap for two reasons: 1) Journalists (and employees in general) have to stick up for themselves when money-focused overseers try to reduce their pay and quality of life to benefit themselves and 2) With the hastily assembled, less experienced replacement staff that The Enquirer will have to throw together after running their employees off, the paper will be sure to provide us with ample fodder for this and other wise-ass columns CityBeat is likely to develop in the near future.

Study Finds Ohio Hates Public Transportation Funding, but You Already Knew That

If you close your eyes, you can imagine John Cranley and our Steelers fan Governor Jon Kasich playing in a huge pool like Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and throwing model train cars and buses to the bottom of it after smashing them together really hard a few times. They might as well be, as Ohio’s funding for public transit lags behind states like North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming and Vermont when it comes to per-capita funding. A new state-commissioned study by the Ohio Department of Transportation found that we’ll need to double our investments for public transportation funding over the next 10 years to meet the needs of our citizens. While some believe more regionalized services are necessary, others believe funds should go to speed up the development of apps that tell you when the bus will be at your stop. People from both schools of thought agree with switching to lighter colored seats so you can tell if you’re about to sit in something gross on the Metro.

Out of Towner Food Critic Eats Skyline, We Make BFD Out of It

Cincinnatians have developed some sensitivity in regard to our local style of chili since people from flawless coastal paradises like New York and California have taken to making sport of how simple Rust Belt folk like us eat, and why it’s gross. Even though the big cities where Ohio-cuisine haters dwell have some of the foulest, dirtiest establishments within our nation’s borders, it still hurts when we get hated on ad nauseam for something that is part of our culture. That’s why Food Network impresario Alton Brown’s visit to Cincinnati this week was so well received — the guy came here, performed at the Aronoff Center and ate at Skyline and other local landmarks without making us out to be rubes. Officials from Cincinnati’s Board of Tourism would like to encourage more food critics to come check our city out, except that one girl from that ultra-annoying “Ohio Food Taste Test” video that came out a few weeks ago because if you don’t like chocolate and peanut butter together and have no peanut allergies you are just dumb.

Trick-or-Treater in Adams County Gets Bullets Instead of Candy From Some Wacko

A preschooler in Peebles, Ohio came home from trick-or-treating with an interesting hall over the weekend. The boy and his mother found that her 4-year-old’s four boxes of Milk Duds each contained three .22 caliber bullets. Perhaps more disturbingly, it was quickly determined that the candy came from the young boy’s preschool Halloween event. Understandably, representatives of the preschool declined to comment on how someone mixed up bullets and candy. They boy’s family wants more information on how this mix-up occurred but declined to ask for real Milk Duds to replace the bullets the boy got because Milk Duds suck.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]