WEDNESDAY FEB. 13
Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill and The Banks development are at odds over their lease agreement, according to a recently filed lawsuit. The restaurant has not paid rent in three months because it believes The Banks violated the terms of their agreement to make Toby Keith’s the only “country-themed” restaurant in the complex when it allowed Tin Roof to open last September. Toby Keith’s Cincinnati’s Facebook page describes this issue as “simply a contract dispute between the Landlord and the Tenant.” Lawyers for The Banks contend that if payment is not made “this big dog will fight when you rattle his cage, and you’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A. Cuz we’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way.”
THURSDAY FEB. 14
Those against opening an indoor gun range in Loveland won a brief reprieve today when a 45-day moratorium on granting permits was granted. Some residents have expressed concerns about safety and other flying-bullet-related misgivings. Others aren’t sure what kind of firearms should be featured in the new gun range’s logo. City officials hope to gain clarity on these issues within the allotted amount of time. Before permits are approved to begin construction, members of the community would also like to know what targets a shop in their city would make available for purchase and use now that Osama Bin Laden is dead and no longer that exciting to shoot at.
FRIDAY FEB. 15
Research by a Northern Kentucky University assistant professor funded by the National Institutes of Health shows that mixing liquor with diet soda will get you 18 percent more drunk than if using regular soda. Sugars found in regular soda slow down the absorption of alcohol, which the researcher says makes mixing liquor with diet drinks have the same effect “as if you didn’t mix it with anything.” Learning about this topic could help reduce the number of drinking and driving arrests, though publicizing these research findings can also encourage people to switch from liquor and diet drinks to liquor and regular soda drinks after their speech becomes slurred enough that having one less word to say to the bartender is probably for the best.
SATURDAY FEB. 16
The St. Dominic Parish and School in Delhi announced today that its annual Las Vegas Night will take place in the school’s gym next Saturday. Funds gathered from admission and people’s poor gambling skills will be used to renovate the bathroom in the church and fix its front steps. St. Dominic parishioners hope that the variety of table games, horse racing action and instant tickets will make visitors feel like they’re actually in Sin City, just without the creepy guys on every street corner who try to give you business cards for prostitutes.
SUNDAY FEB. 17
Today marks the 50th birthday of basketball star and cultural icon, His Airness, Michael Jordan. As one of the most exciting and dominant athletes ever, Jordan won titles at the collegiate and pro levels, was an All Star like 29 times and notably saved the human race from alien criminals in Space Jam. Jordan has also taken part in long-running and memorable ad campaigns with brands like Hanes and Ballpark Franks. The man who could score 50 on any given night has turned 50 and plans to spend the next few years “trying to figure out how anyone actually thought people with shoes named after them and millions upon millions in the bank eat hot dogs.”
MONDAY FEB. 18
A Houston suburb called Missouri City has decided to start charging drivers deemed to be at fault a “crash tax” if EMTs have to come to the scene or try to revive you or whatever. Drivers will be charged even if they don’t call for help, in amounts ranging from $500 to $2,000. The proposed crash-tax plan is being monitored closely by Republican groups who would like to expand on this concept by demanding that people in Texas who get injured in auto accidents display proof of citizenship and insurance before medical care will be administered to them.
TUESDAY FEB. 19
Scientists learned some new things about the cosmos today, and (typically, for them) it’s a bunch of scary news that could change based on “precise numbers.” This time it’s the Higgs boson getting international pub, as researchers used it to figure out a new concept called vacuum instability that could result in a new universe opening up inside our universe and straight-up replacing it. The replacement universe would presumably have to start over in time, but scientists say there’s a possibility the new universe’s Medieval period could include some prehistoric animals, giving the dinosaurs a chance to fulfill whatever storyline Game of Thrones is currently entertaining with its stupid dragon tale.
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