WEDNESDAY JAN. 9
As a sign of growing maturity and responsibility, WWE! is going to refrain from making some sort of poop joke about the proposal to install new public toilets downtown. The solar powered, graffiti-proof units will be open around the clock, with the first to be installed at Findlay Market. According to the blog by Citizens Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes (which has the same effect on brain activity as deeply inhaling and holding in a big breath of paint fumes), “Councilman Chris Seelbach is now pushing the City to buy $130,000 public toilets! Just like the ones they have in...You Guessed It...Portland! We haven’t seen this many Pacific Northwest Poseurs in Cincinnati since the grunge era!” The group plans to keep using exclamation points to punctuate every sentence and making terrible jokes to articulate its point that if money is spent to modernize Cincinnati we’ll all soon be marching outside of the Kremlin along with our socialist president.
THURSDAY JAN. 10
Blue Ash city officials today apologized for a private fireworks celebration held at a local event center. A combination of leafless trees, low humidity and the fireworks being way louder than expected combined to scare residents. The apology states that the event was “simply a means of celebration, not intended to frighten or upset anyone.” To avoid further unannounced pyrotechnic displays, Blue Ash plans on downloading AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock” into the city’s tornado siren system and playing the song on repeat for one hour before anything gets blown up within city limits from now on.
FRIDAY JAN. 11
Bruno Mars’ hit “Locked Out of Heaven” has become the first song to be streamed a million times in a single week on Spotify. In recognition of this momentous occurrence, the music streaming service will allow listeners to check out the full-length album and only hear two personal lubricant commercials during it instead of the four or five listeners are usually treated to.
SATURDAY JAN 12
In a scheme that must be admired for its absurdity, a former teacher is suing her Cincinnati school district for discrimination. The grounds for her suit are that she is scared of young children and suffers from “chest pains, vomiting, nightmares and higher than healthy blood pressure” when she has to be around them. Although it’s not hard to understand how she feels about kids, it will be very interesting to see how the presiding judge rules in this case. Lawyers are optimistic that a compromise can be reached, in which the younger kids she is assigned to teach will be forced to start wearing bifocals and cotton-ball beards to class every day.
SUNDAY JAN. 13
After an online petition to the White House calling for the construction of the Star Wars Death Star got more than 25,000 signatures, the administration recognized the idea with an official rejection. The Office of Management and Budget’s response cites the “more than $850 quadrillion” it would cost to build the Death Star as the biggest reason the project can’t be undertaken. It goes on to explain that usually when the government sinks that type of money into a project, it’s for something with little use that most of the country doesn’t think is a great idea. A new petition is now being circulated online suggesting that if Death Star is out of our price range, perhaps we can still build the one shaped like a vacuum featured in Spaceballs.
MONDAY JAN. 14
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today called for Ambien and equivalent memory-blanking sleepy time pills to lower the standard dosages. At current dosages, people risk being impaired and extra zombie-like in the morning. Instead of prescribing 10 mg pills, physicians are being urged to offer the 5 mg version. While it is unsettling to know that doctors all over the country have been significantly over-prescribing powerful sedatives, at least this problem is being addressed. The agency would have figured this out sooner, but the user testing they did wasn’t of much use since none of the participants could definitely say if the things that happened between the time they took the pill and woke up the next morning were dreams or not.
TUESDAY JAN. 15
Facebook today announced a new tool that will enable users to search pictures, posts and likes. The new function, which Mark Zuckerberg called the “graph search,” finds and sorts content in a manner that will modernize and increase the efficiency of creeping to new levels. The graph search is a comprehensive and accurate tool that one day might be able to tell users why Facebook has become super boring and worthless but you still can’t stop scrolling through it way too many times a day.
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