WEDNESDAY AUG. 12
Living in a recession is hard. We at WWE! have already sold a kidney to pay for ramen and Playboy, and we can still only afford to drink Natty Light (in bottles when we feel like classing it up or we have a lady friend over). The Enquirer reported today that although Cincinnati leaders are making similarly difficult decisions regarding layoffs and pay cuts, they won’t actually feel a dent in their own wallets because their salaries are set by state law. Our calls to inquire as to whether they would consider reducing their own pay were met with raucous laughter, so we just hung up. Councilman Chris Bortz said he’s willing to make a donation similar to a United Way contribution, but he’s just waiting for someone to tell him how much and to help him wipe his ass.
THURSDAY AUG. 13
When former Vice President Dick Cheney shot his hunting buddy in the face, most of us just thought, “Damn, that’s one evil sonuvabitch.” Many other people believed it was an accident (a similar number still thinks Britney Spears was a virgin before marrying K-Fed), but it turns out that the whole thing was a not-so-subtle warning to President Bush, who the former veep felt was ignoring his advice during their second term. USA Today has reported that the prince of darkness Dick will be coming out with a tell-all memoir in 2011 in which he will dish about slumber parties, pillow fights, boys and why the former president is a pussy for caving to public sentiment during his second term.
FRIDAY AUG. 14
People who refer to themselves in the third person are usually creepy or really pretentious — like that one art major you knew in college or The Rock while he was still a legitimate actor (before Scorpion King). But when a weatherman does it, it’s oddly calming and reassuring. That’s why it was sad today to learn that after four years of telling us it would be like this (where was he before the 2000 election?), WLWT Chief Meteorologist Derek Beasley is leaving us for parts unknown. Though the station has yet to officially announce the move, channel president and GM Richard Dyer sent out a Twitter message confirming Beasley’s imminent departure: “Derek never said it would end like this :-(.”
SATURDAY AUG. 15
If you’ve ever been to a bar in Kentucky you know that the worst thing that can possibly happen is someone smoking a cigarette indoors. It can ruin your night worse than Dave Matthews Band coming on the jukebox while you’re trying to explain how to make a Lavender Sapphire Collins. Today an Anderson Township bar called O’Neal’s Tavern got in big trouble for trying to re-create the Kentucky experience when it was sued by the state, accused of 12 violations of Ohio’s anti-smoking law. Owner James “Shanky” Shank had no comment, but was seen quietly smoking a cigarette at the corner of the bar while growling menacingly and sharpening a shiv.
SUNDAY AUG. 16
When somebody mentions Nazi Germany, what’s the first thing that pops to mind? That’s right, socialized health care. So it’s understandable why hundreds of tea baggers have flooded town hall meetings across the country, brandishing swastikas and comparing our man BHO (Barack Hussein Obama) to Hitler in order to protest America’s slow descent into a socialist gulag the administration’s proposed health care reform. Rep. Jean Schmidt, who has a long history of ignoring such discourse and getting her background information from the palm reader at the state fair, said, “Poor people didn’t vote for me, so screw ’em.”
MONDAY AUG. 17
If there’s one thing Canada is full of, it’s good bud people who pronounce the letter “O” funny. And yetis. And ice. Well, maybe not that last part. In preparation for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver this February, The New York Times has reported that Canada’s icemeisters — a fancy title for someone who freezes water — are worried that the stuff won’t stay frozen long enough for 90-pound “ice dancers” to dry hump their way across the rink. While scientists are largely worried that the city’s altitude and high humidity will cause the ice to turn back into water, at least one expert has blamed Vancouver native Hayden Christiansen’s shitty acting in Star Wars Episode III: George Lucas Needs Another Private Jet.
TUESDAY AUG. 18
It’s difficult for career politicians to continue their success once a friendly administration leaves office (if by difficult you mean lucrative). Some people can keep on keepin’ on — there are lobbying positions, consultancy jobs and Karl Rove even found a job selling arms to third-world nations (and manufacturing the wars in which to use them) — but when you’re Tom DeLay and pretty much unhireable, there’s only one place to turn: Dancing With the Stars. DeLay will appear on the show beginning Sept. 21. The former congressman, who has professed a love for the polka, two-step and unitards, has dropped 12 pounds and, after taking lessons with his wife, is ready to dazzle America with his disco skills.
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