WEDNESDAY NOV. 18
In the national news’ “You bet your ass I will” department, local intellectual and House Minority leader John Boehner joined what a silver-tongued reporter referred to as a “legal crusade” to keep the phrase “In God We Trust” inscribed above the visitors’ entrance to the U.S. Capitol. People who don’t believe in God don’t think it should be there. Just like we don’t think they should be here. Or anywhere. Boehner’s crusade was in response to a federal lawsuit by the Freedom From Religion Foundation, an organization dedicated to keeping religious leaders’ hands off our children’s dicks religious interests out of public policy. Boehner’s response to the dust-up was to recite another sacred pledge of the Republican Party: “I’m proud to be an American/ Where at least I know I’m free.”
THURSDAY NOV. 19
Erlanger resident Lester Henry learned the hard way today that the Boone County Library’s main branch will “Shhhhh!” you and call the law even if you remain silent while masturbating in their computer lab. Responding officers had a hard time figuring out several aspects of the incident: why Henry chose wrestling as his visual stimulation; if being named Lester means that at some point in your life you have to live up to the name; and if the years of “Mo” Lester jokes will suck or be kind of funny after a while.
FRIDAY NOV. 20
According to Cincinnati Neighborhood Councilman Paul Naberhaus, Hyde Park’s streets are hell. “We have a crime wave growing in Hyde Park” is the sort of statement that, to those of us who due to financial constraints have to live near renters, at first sounds funny and greatly exaggerated. Not until The Enquirer compares the 28 crimes committed there in 2008 to the 48 thus far in 2009 does it become clear that Naberhaus is serious. Naberhaus was also reportedly miffed that the closest Panera isn’t close enough and that his paperboy never throws the paper all the way to his porch so he has to put on slippers and go out in the yard to get it.
SATURDAY NOV. 21
Big Brother is watching Covington. The Kentucky Department of Homeland Security has used $200,000 of its Buffer Zone Protection Program grant money to install cameras to protect the soft belly of our nation’s infrastructure. Shelby Lawson, the deputy director of the department and also a hilarious recurring character on The Dukes of Hazzard, would not disclose the locations of the new cameras. Lawson also politely declined to confirm or deny widespread rumors that the city of Covington plans to synch up all the video footage with the “Benny Hill Theme Song” and pitch the product as a reality show to Spike TV.
SUNDAY NOV. 22
The residents of North Pole, Alaska, today were pleased to see the U.S. Postal Service reverse an earlier decision that would have prevented the townsfolk from answering the estimated 150,000 letters sent to “Santa Claus, North Pole” each Christmas season. A similar letter-exchange program came under fire in Maryland last year after a volunteer helper turned out to be a registered sex offender. Bright ideas like not letting volunteers view the kids’ names and addresses have been implemented, and the decades-old tradition of sending letters to Santa is all systems go. Poor people’s plans to blame sex offenders and child predators when explaining to their children why they didn’t get a Playstation 3 have been scrapped as a result.
MONDAY NOV. 23
Cincinnati.com blogger/cliche machine Chick Ludwig’s review of the Bengals’ loss to the Oakland Raiders today really helped put the team’s loss in perspective. Calling things “travesties” and ripping Cincinnati players with such witty barbs as “The Bengals had the Raiders by the throat, 14-0, and forgot to squeeze,” while making the article appear to be written by a WWF wrestler’s manager, set the bar high for next week’s dispatch. Topics of Ludwig’s next edition of the “Typing Away” blog are said to include the importance of giving 110 percent, putting a hat on a hat and lamenting, “You know what they used to do when they scored a touchdown? They tossed the ball to the ref. Act like you’ve been there. Son of a bitch!” Head to citybeat.com next week and check out WWE!’s “Both Sides Played Hard” blog for daily attempts to predict what Ludwig will type about.
TUESDAY NOV. 24
A CNN poll of people who are flying somewhere for Thanksgiving, might have the death flu and don’t give a shit about you found that half the respondents would fly sick rather than cancel and have to pay a rebooking fee. The results suggested that catching or transmitting something that can kill you is considered a negligible risk when one is trying not to waste money on air travel (it also found that more than half the respondents would rather watch Glenn Beck than even consider standby). Poll analysts expect travelers on their way back from a holiday weekend spent eating more food than the glutton from Seven and binge drinking to be quite confused as they try to pinpoint exactly why they feel that death is imminent.
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